Throughout most of my life, I had always felt alone, even though I'm never alone physically. In elementary school when I first started, I was always eager to meet new friends. But over time, I lost enthusiasm. I never met or played with other kids except at school. I was always a stay at home child. Staying at home, I kept myself occupied by watching tv, playing video games, or playing with whatever toys I had. Ever since then, I've grown accustomed to living a sort of solitary lifestyle, with the exception of my family being around of course.
There were times when I would feel depressed about being alone. Likewise, there were times when I cherished my loneliness. There are certain video games, anime, and cartoons I have a fond attachment to. One category that sticks out to me are the ones that involve a loner protagonist; a protagonist who starts out as being a loner but by luck, they meet a lifelong friend, someone who they can have fun with. Not necessarily love, but more of a close-knit friendship. Playing video games and watching anime involving such plot lines made me yearn for such a friendship.
I have plenty of friends. However, in a setting where I'm with a group of friends, usually I feel like I belong. But then there are times when I feel out of place. I feel out of place because I feel I can't relate to my friends sometimes, or I feel like they don't understand me. I have good friends, but none of the relationships I have with them, I feel, have no intimacy or deep connection. And I'm talking about the kind of friendship where a strong bond is present and you understand each other completely. It doesn't have to be "monogamous" love necessarily. It's possible to be intimate with someone without loving them romantically or desiring them sexually.
Many Sonic fans hate Chris Thorndyke (from the Sonic X anime) because they felt he was a redundant, overbearing character; yet I understand Chris completely. Sure, Chris is a bit of a "Gary Stu", too perfect in character, morals, hardly any flaws in his personality. He's the richest kid in the world, yet he's humble about his rich background and hardly flaunts it (one of the things that viewers hardly believe and criticize about). The second part about him is that he becomes easily attached to Sonic. At the end of the second season, time in both Chris's and Sonic's world would stop unless Sonic and his friends returned to their world (which would fix the time rip between their worlds). And of course, Chris couldn't bear having Sonic leave him. So then ran away together.
It's implied that Chris probably didn't get any friends his own age either because his background alienated other kids, or other kids probably would've taken advantage of him. And it's made very clear that one of the things he wanted most, other than a friend, was to be with his parents. But they have to work, they're the richest people in their world apparently. In the end, Sonic and Chris did part ways, but their friendship stayed intact. There really isn't any finality to it until the 3rd and last season of the series. In the 3rd season, Chris goes to Sonic's world. In the last episode, he has to decide if he wants to stay or go back home. And there's no way for him to travel between the worlds through "chaos control" since the alignment between their dimensions/worlds was about to disconnect and it's unknown when they'll connect again (or if they ever will). And Chris does end up going home.
It's confusing. Children adore their parents at an early age (usually). But over time, a child and parent relationship becomes more distant as time passes. Either because the parent can't be there because of work (usually work) or because the child wants something more (friends). Probably both I think. I've always wanted a magical type of friendship, yet I wonder if it's comparable to infatuation in a relationship? It's possible for interest to die out in a friendship or any relationship really, and that's one of the things that stops me from getting to close to people sometimes. But I keep forgetting it's what you put into things that affect how things turn out most of the time.
I'm a living paradox. I don't want to be alone, yet I like being alone. Go figure. lol
I also remember watching the 3rd season of Digimon: "Digimon Tamers". In that season, they introduced a new type of evolution: "Biomerge Digivolution", which allowed a tamer and their digimon to digivolve together into one new digimon. That concept alone I've always found intriguing. It's a symbol of the connection between two people, but actually in physically form. Is it possible to be completely connected to someone close to you? I don't know. Perhaps it's just one of those things that don't need explanation and you just need to let happen.
But for now, I'll keep wishing (and searching with little effort) for more friends across the horizon.
3 months ago
