You know, I have quite a few drafts now, none of which I have ever finished. I never finish my thoughts because I have other important things I need to do, or I just lost my train of thought at the time and I just lose all my motivation to finish. I never finish because I have a need to want to make every post perfect, laying everything out... but with that kind of attitude, I'll never get anything finished.
A lot of things can change in such little time. A few months ago I'd always be wasting time looking up porn, and I'd never get any work done because I was too lazy or I kept thinking about how much work that needed to get done, that I wasted more time worrying about it than doing anything about it. But this time, I've decided to just move on and just get as much shit done as possible. I've come to the conclusion that finishing everything ranks up with one of those really hard things to do.
I realize now that I would never do any work because I was preoccupied about other thoughts. I'd always keep thinking about how I don't really have a direction in life, or how I don't feel close to anyone at all. Loneliness was definitely one of the things that ate at me the most. But with all that time thinking alone, I just relearned something and believe in it more than I ever have...
I don't think I really care anymore if I am alone for the rest of my life. I've become quite content with it actually. While it is painful to feel, at the same time I feel a sort of solace or comfort in it. I don't know if I can describe it well, but it's like a heartache. It's kind of painful at first, but after awhile, you get used to it, and you feel as if you're more aware of your own existence; you feel as if you're whole. Sometimes I pretend that my subconcious-self, the part of myself that dreams, is a separate entity, and I feel as if I'm two people instead of one. I label it as my darkside, not necessarily evil, but more like my true self, maybe my true self, but definitely parts of myself I never really share. And this darkness, I personify it as fate, but more like a bully/friend who pushes me to keep me moving forward. No matter if it's into a fortunate situation or an unfortunate one, all of it is meant to allow me to grow as a person.
I think most people would say I'm crazy for thinking I'm two people instead of one, but it's just something I do to keep myself from being bored, or to stay sane probably.
There's nothing I want more than to connect with other people, but I keep debating about its worth in the end. I sometimes wonder what is the point of it all, if we're to face rejection, to become dependent on others when we're just as fine being independent, and if we're fated to say goodbye one day? And by dependency, I mean in terms of emotional needs: having someone listen to your problems, which could be solved or may never be solved because it's something you have to get over yourself. I also fear losing someone and not knowing how to live after being with them for so long.
There have been nights where I listen to love and breakup songs before going to bed. I cry, but after I'm done, I feel good afterwards. Hell, I actually enjoying crying and feeling sad, as weird as that sounds. It doesn't depress me, no. On the contrary, I'm quite happy afterwards, or at most: content.
When I was younger (and even now), I would always try to justify the darkness, or dark feelings; that we needed them and they're not as bad as we make them out to be. Everyone always wants to run after the light, running away from darkness. Why should the darkness be something I should fear when I can embrace instead? There seems to be a lot of it in the world, may as well put it to good use. Being the hopeless romantic I am, I see dark things as secretly wanting to be loved. It's like some girls that always fall for the bad boys, the tough guys that will probably treat them bad in the end. Perhaps they hoped they could find something to love about them, or they were just plain stupid.
But that brings another question: Do I only love the darkness because of the idea of what it could be? What I want it to be? I guess it all just boils down to wanting to change something in order to make it fit. It's really hard to love unconditionally, but perhaps I'm just overthinking things again, like always. I really don't give a shit about what people do with their lives or how they act. So if I'm content with the way people are, I guess I love them unconditionally? I don't know.
Most people would say I'm depressed, and that I'm depressing to others when I talk about things like these. I learned since last year that no one really wants to talk about depressing things. But things such as loneliness doesn't feel depressing to me at all; it's something I've learned to live with. It's one thing to know how you feel, it's another to be told by others what it is you're feeling, implying that you don't know yourself.
So, I live the rest of my days waiting to see if someone will come along that will understand me, but for now, I'll be fine walking alone.
3 months ago
