I can think I'm a good person, other people can think the same way of me as well. But the fact of the matter is, I'm still an asshole. I'm an asshole in the sense that in the end, I'm really a terrible friend. I think too much about my relationships with people. I let distance keep me away from talking to them over the phone or online. I assume that no one understands me, so I don't bother getting close to anyone. I give out mixed messages. First I'm really excited about meeting someone new, then I avoid them once I feel just only one instance of awkwardness where I feel that I'm just not compatible with someone. Sometimes I assume that I'm just too different for that person. Other times, I avoid people because I get the feeling they don't accept my personality.
When it comes to my anonymous friends online (you know who you are), I'm an asshole to them as well (except for one I think). It's like I want to find other people like myself, and sometimes I search for potential lovers. But in the end, I just chicken out when opportunity knocks. Or I just stop talking to them because I'm too lazy to talk to them (and I use work as an excuse, which is the worst I can do) or when I feel that the other person doesn't understand me anymore, I quit.
That's all I am really: a quitter. I don't seem to give people a chance at all. Or better yet, I just don't give myself a chance to be open. I've been alone for so long, it's the only goddamn feeling I know. I really could come out about my sexuality, my beliefs and thoughts on life, at anytime. The only thing stopping me?: Fear. Fear of my parents mostly. Even if I came up with a contingency plan if my parents abandoned me, I'd still be too afraid to make a move I think. My love for my parents is genuine, I do want to make them happy, and I knowingly do it at the cost of hurting myself. My love for them is out of a sincere love, but as well as a love out of fear. It's more along the lines that I fear hurting them more than I am afraid of them myself.
It's funny really; I don't want to hurt people, not because I know it's bad, but I do it for the most selfish reason of all... because I don't want to have a guilty conscience. Sure, sounds like a pretty self-less thing to do, but my motivation is based on selfishness. I always do feel truly ashamed of myself when I hurt someone else emotionally for being stupid, but sometimes I wonder if I really do care about other people's feelings, or if I just apologize or make nice just to save my own conscience.
Doesn't help with the fact that I'm a big pessimist and I see most of my actions as selfish-oriented. lol
I am a living paradox. I try to reach out to the world, to find some lost souls who can understand me. But I'm never willing to try to open everything about myself to other people, for now that is. So if you think what I post on here is similar to how you feel, great. If you think I'm an okay person based on what you've read: cool. But I give you fair warning: I'm a terrible friend. Don't bother trying to message me if you know you don't want to get hurt or get left in the dust because of my negligence (unless of course you really want to try on me, no matter how much time you may waste).
What's even more ironic is how I'm comfortable being alone, but once in awhile, I need someone to talk to otherwise I'll lose my fucking mind. Just goes to show you how selfish I really am...
3 months ago
