Takin' A Back Seat to the Dating Scene

Fuck it. Looking for a prospective lover in college takes up too much time. I've been seeing a counselor earlier this summer, and I'm glad I did. I know what my problem is now: I don't open up to anyone. I keep things to myself too long until I start hurting myself by thinking of the worst possible case scenarios and then assuming that no one can help me with my problems.

My primary problem right now, academically, is that I don't know how to ask for help in my classes. I'm too independent, I like doing shit on my own. I'm afraid of asking for help because I'm afraid of wasting their time and I'm afraid of being denied help, as well as a few other reasons. I find myself more focused on my classes more than ever. I used to use loneliness as a reason for being distracted and not being able to focus on my work... and I truly was lonely too. I still am, but not as much. After I did counseling, I started opening up to my friends about my feelings, usually online. So far I've gotten a lot of positive responses. I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. The next step for me is to actually solve my problems. It's like I wasted the first 3 years of college doing soul-searching to find out what my problem was and how to solve it. Or it's more like I wasted so much time to admit the truth to myself about who I am and what I really want. I know what I want: I want to fucking graduate and create shit that flies. Aerospace Engineering ftw, lol. It's still intimidating though, but I want to stick with it. If anything, I could probably succeed, if only I could change my attitude and outlook on life. I'm too negative, and I push other people away accusing them that they don't understand my pain. I'm not even close to my family at all. I can't even share my feelings with my parents without them getting mad at me for being upset over things they feel are insignificant. It's weird... they want me to be honest, but they get mad at me when they don't hear the type of "honesty" they want to hear, ya know?

I actually feel closer to some of my friends than I do compared to my parents. I mean, I love my parents, but I really do feel they just don't get me. But lately, ever since I started opening up to some of my friends, I've been better.

As for dating, I don't even lurk much on dating or hook-up websites anymore. Mostly because my searches usually bear no fruit. I don't have a car, and I demand too much from another guy. I just stopped trying altogether because I realize that I really don't have the time anyways. I'm not good at multitasking, so I really am putting all my focus on college for now (which I should've done in the first place). I think when I started college, I was pursuing a "Mr. degree" (sorta like the M.R.S. degree for girls). I was looking for friends and a potential boyfriend, while still in the closet, which I still am closeted actually. But I found those friends now, and after witnessing the failing marriage of my parents and failed relationships of my other friends, I realize it's just not worth the time right now.

Aside from classes, I'm terrible managing time. I'm quite the hedonist. I live for pleasure and fun. I have way too much leisure time. I could probably use a lot of that time doing homework, but when I look at the big picture and make it seem like a formidably hard task to do, I end up not trying. Starting is always the hardest thing for me. It's like I'm scared to try because I'm afraid I'll fail. Or I'm scared of trying, then succeeding, and then getting an even harder task to do.

Aside from classes, I have a few other goals in mind that I wish to pursue:
-still be able to do Orchestra while taking even harder classes
-actually start working out regularly (but I use classes and food as an excuse for not trying. I don't have a set meal plan in mind to help me stay healthy that would compliment my workout, if I did it.)
-still be launching rockets with this club I'm in

And probably a few others.

I use a planner a lot. Write down goals/tasks for the week, make sure I do them. Although usually I end up not doing them on time, so I write them in for the next week. Managing time is hard. If I controlled time, I probably still wouldn't be able to do everything I wanted out of laziness and fear of failure.

"Unwell"

Hey yo. Sorry for keepin' y'all hangin' like I always do. This is actually I note I wrote on Facebook. I tend to write these a lot, so I figured I should just copy and paste 'em here.

--------------------

Matchbox Twenty "Unwell"

"See... me...
Talking to myself in public
And dodging glances on the train
And I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind"

-Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20

I had a similar situation today. I was crying on the shuttle going home because I did kinda crappy on another quiz today, and because I chickened out of going to office hours... again. So I wore my "hat" again to hide my tears, but it doesn't help when I'm blowing my nose every 2 minutes, which is a dead giveaway that I'm crying. Whether I'm crying or just out in public, I wonder how many people actually notice me, and if they do, what do they think of me? I've had a reputation of being weird for so long, I just assume that's how people will look at me.

You know what I really want to do? When I'm frustrated, I just want to go out and yell, scream, and force everyone to listen to me. Sometimes I wish I could just grab a blunt weapon and start smashing things: cars, windows, people. Sometimes I wish I could just grab a random passerby and shake them by the collar, yell at their face, force them to listen to my problems, and then ask them if they feel me. They'd say "yes" out of fear, but my paranoia won't allow me to ever believe and I'd yell and say they're bullshitting me and they don't understand me at all.

But I wouldn't do all of that... Because it would be too weird. Because it's wrong. Because it's disturbing the peace that everyone "falsely" desires so much. I know everyone wishes they could let out their frustrations on the world the same way, but they don't admit for the sake of not alienating the people around them. I also don't do it because I know everyone has more power over me. I don't do it because my human conscience won't allow me to.

But if I was the most powerful being in the world, in the universe... and if I didn't feel guilty about bringing pain and sadness to others... I would do it. But for now, I'll play nice. I'll always play nice because I'll always see myself as a weakling. No one steps over me because everyone is nice. Sometimes I wish they did so I had a reason to fight to live. I feel like the best motivation for life is when it's threatened. But of course... I don't have much fight it me. I can hardly defend myself, I feel too much self-guilt when I hurt someone... I'm a softy. So the only option I ever have is to cry and feel depressed.

I was hanging outside the TA's office for Modeling Methods again today. I think this is the 5th or 6th time I was hanging outside. I asked help from him once before, but it did take a lot for me to actually go. I did the usual, worked on the project in the same building so I could figure out what questions I wanted to ask, made a list for those questions, and then sat outside his office. Everytime I sit outside someone's office, I'm always mentally preparing myself on how to ask my questions so I know I get what I want. But as I was sitting outside, he walked inside his office. So had I gone inside, he wouldn't have been inside. It was the perfect chance to go. But I still stalled. He left his office again and probably saw me still sitting in the same position. He's probably noticed by now that I sit outside his office a lot. I left because I felt he thought I was weird for sitting outside his office too long. If I had questions, I would've gone inside the moment he came back.

I'm afraid of asking for help because I'm afraid of turning it into a "counseling session" rather than actually learning the material. I've been such a lazy, average student for so long, my confidence has been hurt due to such an infamous academic history. I feel like if I did go to office hours, I would just break down and cry in front of them out of frustration. And I don't want to burden them with that. It's not their job or responsibility to deal with the emotional health of their students, they're supposed to get help on that from loved ones or actual counselors.

I did the whole "counseling" thing, so you can't say that I didn't try it yet, because I did. And honestly, I loved it. However, it's gotten to the point where I can go as many times as I want, but it won't help solve my problems. I know what my problems are, I just don't know how to solve them... or I just don't have the will to solve them.

I'm a "drama addict". I make problems for myself because I don't know how to deal with the "big picture". I don't know what I want in life. I worry that my future will be bleak, so I accept that the "worst" will happen, and I use pessimism as a way to mentally prepare myself for it. Even if there's a small chance that it will happen, the thought always takes me over. And the more I think of it, the more it becomes reality. It's hard for me not to think of it. I compare myself to other people all the time, and every time I conclude that I'm just "average". I'm not amazing academically. I don't have a lot of motivation to do my best because I'm not very disciplined and my "average" history tells me that I can try all I want, but I'll still be average. But with my bad attitude, I may very well become more stupid than I truly am.

The problems I have can probably be easily overcome by other people. They don't put too much thought into the issues I deal with. Despite the pain I feel over the silly social problems I give myself, I secretly enjoy it. I enjoy it because I feel like the star of my own show, a show called "Life". I could care less about what's going on with the world or with other people, because at the moment, I only care about "me". I am selfish, very much so. I consider myself to be very self-absorbed and narcisstic, but I know that I'm not that extreme about it. I just say that so people could tell me otherwise.

Why do you think I always put myself down? I do it as an ego check really. I don't really care how I compare to other people, I just care that I'm not trying my best, but I don't know how to... Well I know how to, I just don't have the patience or the discipline for it. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that... But it should only matter how I feel about myself, right? We all know that's the truth, but it's very hard to ignore how other people feel about you. If you tell me that you don't care what others think of you... YOU'RE LYING! You can be the most self-assured person in the world, but you'll care, even just for a little bit. We're too social with each other to not care.

I play games with people, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I put myself down as an ego check. I really do feel like I'm the hero of my own story... or the anti-hero, the villian, the tragic villian, whatever. Point is, I see myself as the main character even though I feel like a minor character in this huge society of ours. I also do it to hear what other people think of me. Whether they agree with what I said, or they say I'm not and compliment on how I am. I ain't gonna lie, I'm pretty insecure, but I prefer to be "openly insecure" because I feel it's the best way to not feel as insecure. The more you bottle everything inside, the more insecure you become. I know that the more I talk and open myself up, the easier it is to solve my personal problems. And I know I want to solve them, I just don't have the courage to go through with it yet. It's hard for me to take the first step. Even the second and third. It's always hard for me to start, but after the first few times, it become second-hand and I do it without thinking too much about it, like it feels natural. It's like how Sheryl Crow sang: "The first cut is the deepest." Although I think that was about you first breakup or something, totally unrelated to what I'm talking about.

Space exploration is the next frontier, but I'm already exploring one: It's called "interacting with others". I still don't know how to really "trust" new people I meet or other people I don't know well to hear me out and understand me. I get shy when dealing with people I don't really know well. I hardly gossip about other people I know behind their backs (but I find myself doing it more often...). I never really think if anyone is talking about me or what they do think of me. However, I do think about it sometimes. The times when I really do think about what they think of me, is whenever we share and "awkward moment" together or when I make them upset. I start to re-evaluate my relationship I have with them and I search inwardly for all the things I did wrong (which weren't that major in their opinion probably). I tend to let my guilt consume me, and I end up avoiding people... I also avoid people if I sense they feel uncomfortable being around me.

In my honesty box here on Facebook, one of my friends left a comment saying: "It's not that I hate it, but you're pretty immature and socially awkward. Man up and I'd want to hang out with you more." It was in response to my question: "Is there anything you hate about me?" With a loaded question like that, you would think I would have braced myself for the brutal honesty I so desired... But sadly I was immature that time and didn't take it well. We ended up arguing back and forth. He told me:

"There's nothing wrong with "being yourself". However, being different and eccentric do not preclude refusing to change the way you interact with people.

I'm talking about the way you carry yourself and the way you socialize with other people. You have that "air" of being a creeper. Posture and a less whiny tone of voice, as well a confident demeanor, go a long way in giving people good impressions."

It really was great advice, but I still argued with him until the guy gave up trying to help me. I look back now and I think: "Damn, I used to be such an emo idiot back then."

I avoid people not because I hate them, but because I feel they hate me, or find me too weird to hang around. And yet, I still hang out with people... out of desperation; desperation of not wanting to feel lonely and to just have some company after not having some for so long.

Part of my problem is that I just don't hang out with friends a lot. I'm too lazy to set something up or to call them. And I use classes as an excuse for being too busy (which I am, but not really) to hang out with them. In a lot of cases, when I do hang out with a friend, I'll have fun of course. But the longer I don't see them, the more I feel like we're drifting apart, when in reality we're just busy. I don't call people because:

1. I'm on a shared family plan and I don't want to waste minutes. Sprint doesn't do rollovers either.

2. I'm afraid of calling them and having the conversation become awkward. I don't want to call someone and hear in their tone of voice that they didn't want me to call them, or they don't really know who I am.

I also don't hang out a lot because I like having time to myself. From a psychological standpoint, I feel like the more time I have for myself, the more freedom I have to schedule things in the future and do whatever I please. But I'm one of those people who like to have "surpluses" of things as insurance, but never actually uses those surpluses which go to waste in the end anyways.

I've even gone so far as wishing I had an imaginary friend, or maybe even schizophrenia. But I know even schizophrenics wouldn't wish the disease on themselves if they didn't have it. It's radically different from the way we perceive the disease to be. But even if I'm not schizophrenic, I still feel like a weirdo in public, an anomaly that doesn't belong. Sometimes I wish I could split myself into physical embodiments of different aspects of my personality/emotions. If that did happen, I would never be alone. I'd literally be friends with myself. There's a good chance I'd bring hell to the world that way since everyone would truly see every side of me.

Phony. I'm also afraid of being phony. At all times, I want to be as sincere as possible, even if I hurt myself with the truth. If there's one thing that pisses me off, it's when people don't take me seriously, when they don't believe that I'm being genuine. They could be right, but almost all the time I'm just me. But I am afraid of producing an image of myself that's not representative of who I really am, but I acknowledge that I go too far in expressing the negative parts of myself, that I don't really give people a chance to see the other sides of me. I don't really think about the things I do; I just do things if I feel like it. Sure, I think about it when I have to make big decisions. But most of the time, I just "do" without thinking. I act on the whims and desires of my own heart. The only time I don't is when I repress myself because I'm unsure or afraid of the outcome. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm also afraid of being accepted or getting my way, and then having the possibility of losing what I fought so hard to earn. If I did lose, I'm afraid I might not have the courage to try again. I think I'm afraid of trying...

Ha. Haha... Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! I avoid other people because of my own paranoia. And it's not even that hard of a problem, it can be easily solved. But aren't we all a little "Unwell"?

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay a while and maybe then you'll see...

A different side me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough, you're gonna think of me...

And how I used to be"

Damn it felt good to let all that out...

Coulomb's Law Isn't Always True in Love

To those of you who don't know what "Coulomb's Law" is: F is the magnitude of the force of attraction/repel. k (aka 1/4pi*eo) is a constant. q1 and q2 are the signs and magnitude of the charges. And r^2 is the distance between the two charges. The further away the charges are, the lower the magnitude is for the force of attraction/repel is between them. Everyone knows the rule for the attraction of charges. Opposite charges attract. Same charges repel. But when it comes to love, it's almost always the other way around.

I've always known this, but it's just become more apparent to me the long I've searched for sex and romance:

Guys usually like guys who are a lot like themselves. This statement alone should be a given, you don't need to be a genius to know it. This applies in terms of physical attraction and of personality. Nerds will most likely hang out with nerds. Jocks will hang out with jocks. Everyone goes towards their respective clique out of instinct, without thinking about it. And of course, gays who are out will want to hang out with other out gays. And closeted guys would prefer to stick with other closet cases to insure they can stay closeted. There really isn't much mobility for one to move between worlds. Because we try to make a definitive identity for ourselves, we're forced to make choices about who we want to be and to stick with it... for the rest of our lives probably.

It really is hard to find true love. I'm aware that people will at one point, be unfaithful. I think monogamy is overrated because we're all very sexual beings, especially guys. I'll admit, at the very least, I can just settle with having a "friends with benefits" type of relationship. I can't have sex with a guy unless I actually like their personality and can be friends with them outside the bedroom. But I understand why everyone values monogamy so much. Aside from being insured that you're with someone you can trust, know about their sexual health, and to always have someone beside you... If you're in a truly-loving monogamous relationship, then you'll know that "he" is the guy who understands and loves everything about you best.

However, I feel for gay males, the younger you are, the more likely you're just looking for sex than an actual relationship. I've tried for months now looking for a guy who I can really like. I had one, but he's with another guy now. We're still great friends though. At the moment, I have no one. The #1 reason being classes and my busy life. There really is some truth when parents say you shouldn't date until after you graduate college. But that in itself is too much to ask. Surely, there is time that can be made. But because I'm so busy, I really don't have time for another guy in my life. Almost everytime I message a guy or get messages from others, I tell them my schedule, my personality, anything important that I feel they should take into consideration. And of course, being too honest about yourself or coming on too strong early in the game by asking for love... really turns a lot of guys off. And I think the younger you are, the more you stay away from commitment. And the older you get, the more likely you're going to want to settle down for a relationship that's more permanent. It seems to be the trend so far.

I still cry at night sometimes, when I feel lonely and it gets to me. What I hate most about all this is the frustration. I end up wasting time looking for a guy to love that I may never find. I just don't like how I can't think straight or focus on work sometimes when I start feeling lonely. But you know, I'd rather die alone if I don't find the right guy. I won't settle for less, and I can't settle for just having a sex partner. It has to be something more than that or else it's just not gonna be worth it at all. It's only fair that I expect to be rejected as much as I am picky about who I'm looking to be with. And I feel that in any serious relationship (regardless of how many people involved) everyone involved has to "unconditionally love" the other(s), otherwise it isn't an honest love.

I think what I need right now is just to vent about this, or someone to rant about it with who has the same frustrations. It could probably help as an outlet.

And you know, at this point I'm not so scared of people finding out that I like guys. I even posted a pic of myself on OkCupid. Just search for my username on there and you'll find it, for those who've been curious up until now. I've stayed in closet pretty well so far, and I have a good feeling that no one will really go out of their way to see if I'm gay or not. Granted, I still say I'm bi because I'm still curious about dating/being with a woman, but I like guys more. And if it ever turns out that my life becomes hell if someone else outs me... oh to hell with it.

Currently in a Slump

New semester, but same goal: just pass all my classes and hopefully graduate with a job ready. But aside from all that, and having failed 2 classes last Fall (which I'll get into later). I haven't found a boyfriend. I have my big bro, who I'm very thankful that he came into my life (we haven't met up yet this semester). But he's really the only guy I'm seeing right now, and really, one is plenty (or so said Frosty the Snowman in "Frosty Returns").

I'm starting to heed my mom's advice. She really meant it when I shouldn't be dating while I'm in college. But really, that's bullshit. I haven't really met with guys much last semester, and that alone wasn't the reason why I failed miserably. Btw, I failed Thermodynamics and Solid Mechanics (or Mechanics of Materials). They're not hard classes, just intimidating. I failed because I procrastinated. I feel procrastination is the root of a lot of problems. The longer you procrastinate, the worse it gets and the more problems you get the longer you do.

Ever since I've started college, I really have felt lonely. But it's my own fault for never getting out much. I have friends, but I still feel lonely, if any of you get what I mean. Clearly, I'm longing for love or some form of relationship. I've been trying to find a guy my age, but so far, no luck. It's probably because I talk too much like this, and I probably seem needy because of it. I could care less if I don't find a true lover my age. I've alone for so long, I'm kinda used to the feeling. Sometimes I even enjoy feeling the pain of loneliness. I'm starting to get the feeling that my "closeted" status may be indirectly affecting me to feel this way... probably is.

College is hard. It's even harder if you feel you have to do everything on your own like I do. I hardly ask for help because I feel I should do everything on my own. And I wouldn't dare ask for help if I didn't do the homework or reading yet (which is usually most of the time). Usually, I do things at the last minute, or later. I felt that if I was a slacker, then I had no right to ask for help, which was really a terrible reason. It doesn't help either that I have an "inferiority complex". I'm secretly envious of the students around me who I feel do better than me, because I start saying to myself: "If they can do it, then why can't I?" I think I'll always have this feeling of inferiority, but I'll always have to work with people at some points in my life.

I've considered to see a counselor soon. I've kept in my true feelings for far too long, I think I just want someone in person to listen to me. I've just been avoiding such help because I'm afraid of being diagnosed as "crazy" or something like that. Or really, I just feel that matters of the mind should be solved independently. I do believe that only I can control my feelings. I see counselors and psychologists as mere placebos who are paid by feeding off of other people's insecurities, like a drug. That may very well be true, but surely, there is some validity to their existence and function.

I heard about the whole "Zodiac sign change". Technically, I'm an Aries based on my birthday. But now, I should be a Pieces. Pieces are known to be lost in their own worlds. They like to live in fantasy because it's more manageable than reality. Probably the complete opposite of an Aries. Aries are stubborn, strong-willed, and live in the moment. I think Pieces desires to be an Aries, I know I do. Maybe I truly am an Aries, and I'm just not giving myself a change to acknowledge that. Pieces are also known to get very depressed when things become hopeless; they need someone to help them up. Pieces, however, are very empathetic and like to listen to the problems of others. But the backlash of this is that Pieces can be so absorbed into other people's problems that they lose sight of themselves. Pieces are known to be artists, writers, and musicians. I feel stuck between being a Pieces and an Aries. If I could leave this world and go to a fantasy world where it's just the way I feel the world should be, I would. Strangely, I chose to do engineering. I chose engineering because I feel it is the bridge between fantasy and reality. Innovative ideas can become reality if you're persistent and lucky enough. I really don't know what I want to do as an engineer though. The only way I know how to live life is to be like "The Wind". I'm too laid-back to think far ahead into the future. I hope I can just live a life where I can just go with the flow. It's my goal in life to be able to adapt to any situation, for I feel that's the best way to be happy in life: "To be happy with anything." Because you really shouldn't need a reason to be happy. Existing should be a good enough reason, maybe the only reason.

No guy wants to be with a guy who's indecisive and lacking in confidence about himself. I don't have a dynamic personality either... Yet secretly, I enjoy this feeling of loneliness, I really do. Because it makes me more aware of myself. Sometimes I pretend that I'm actually two instead of one: There's me, and then there's my subconscious self. Despite acting a little schizophrenic, I'm aware of how unreal it all is. I've never really had a close friend (in person), nor can I think up an imaginary friend, too much work. So I'm fine just pretending to be friends with myself. The closest friend I have right now is "protoman_45". I dare not say his name because he's not out either. We both love bara, and we listen to each other's problems and understand each other's emotions. I hope to meet him in person one day. But other than that, I'm still waiting for my other, my "symbiote". Although, I might have already met him (my big bro), but we'll see where it goes.

I hardly post pics on here, but I've decided to since it'll relate to how I feel at the moment. I hope they don't get me for copyright infringement. I'll try to give credit if I know the source.














Artist: ~No-Restraints on DeviantArt
Source: http://no-restraints.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d2eti7m




















Artist: Most likely from someone on pixiv
Source: Unknown




















Artist: *Paradox-OS on DeviantArt
Source: http://paradox-os.deviantart.com/gallery/25924411#/d3247kh

I'm trying to be more structured now. I use my planner more than I ever have before. Anything that comes to mind that I know needs to get done, I write it down so I don't forget. I've even made printouts of my schedule, Professor and TA office hours, and important goals I have for this semester, to put up on my bedroom wall so I'm always reminded of them. Hell, I'm gonna try posting on here regularly (at least weekly), if I can. I'm too scared to be almost as honest like this on Facebook anyways. lol