Social Media Detox

I hate what social media has become. For every 1 good post, there are 100 negative posts. No one wants to be happy anymore. It's nothing but manufactured outrage and fear, over things they don't have control over or may very well just be a false boogeyman. It angers me to see people try to create divisiveness, regardless of ideology or political affiliation.

I've decided to make this my home now. No one's reading anyways.

Only Yesterday

It's really interesting how once you reach a milestone in your life, your past becomes, for the most part, forgotten. I'm already a quarter of a century old and I honestly can't remember a lot of things in my past. Not so much memories as it is exact details and feelings I had at the time. Getting disowned by your family changes you permanently, in a way. There's been many times where I feel different, like I've lost my past self or lost a part of me that no longer exists in my history. It's like Young Link waving goodbye to Adult Link because he's forever stuck in the future he fast-forwarded to and can never go back to his childhood and live it out.

I've had plenty of time to grow up, but one thing that I do know when I was with my family, the older I got, the more my parents wanted to coddle me. I knew they were afraid of me growing up and leaving the nest. But even more, I think they were afraid of letting me change and become my own person because then I would be someone they could no longer control. It was always about control. It always amused me how they made it seem like they didn't care what I did, despite always sabotaging my efforts, cancelling many meetups I wanted to have with friends, and saying I did have a choice, but always made it a loaded question to force me to make decisions they wanted. I was so worried about wanting to make my parents happy that I always gave up my own happiness in the process. What I did wrong was accept comfort over freedom in the form of being somewhat spoiled as I was growing up. I always got the latest video game consoles that wanted up until the PS2/Gamecube/Xbox era. When college started, the recession happened, my mom got terminated from her job, there was no money. Financial strain really adds more stress than needed to any relationship. I think what annoyed me the most about my parents was how fiscally irresponsible they were and how it became very obvious their marriage was a sham ever since they got together.

When I started college, I had a 4 year scholarship, which I used most of it for rent. I only claimed 3 years because my grades tanked 2 semesters. I had federal and state grants which really helped. I didn't have to take out federal student loans until the last two years of college. It took me 7 years to finish my Aerospace Engineering degree. I had trouble in classes because I was insecure, never asked for much help and tried too hard to do everything on my own and not cheat/use solution manuals like everyone else was doing. The stress of living a double life and my parents getting more angry with me with each year I was in college, and then just pressuring me to finish college even when I just started and comparing me to other kids of friends they know who are finishing their degrees in 4 years and have 4.0 GPAs or grades more stellar than mine...

I felt vastly undervalued and unappreciated for making efforts to improve myself. Everything I did in school, I did all of the work on my own. Maybe a few times my parents helped me, but they couldn't. I had to help myself. They didn't guide me on how to apply for scholarships and financial aid, I did that myself. They had no connections, I had to network on my own. Even if they had some, their connections didn't lead anywhere and had nothing to do with the degree I was pursuing. Being told everyday that I was a burden on my family just for going to college was the worst feeling in the world. My parents held my education hostage by making it seem I couldn't go to college without their help, financially speaking.

The most stupid decision my parents made financially was constantly repair a car they had for more than 10 years and racking up credit card debt to make the repairs, rather than trade it in and finance a newer, but economic car that'll fit their budget. The second worst decision was not allowing me to take out some student loans to help ease the financial burden I had on my family. I completely understand my parents' point of view. So many people my age will be in student loan debt for the rest of their lives or for a very long time, but with the degree I was pursuing, engineering is always in demand, I would have eventually found a decent paying job.

I understand my parents had that immigrant mentality, where they came to a better country to give their children a better future that they couldn't have. But when you're so insecure about not being able to provide for your kids and then disable them from trying to help themselves or the family, you're doing a disservice to everyone. It's funny how my parents said they would've let me leave home at 18 to get a job and live on my own, but that's after the fact, after they outed me and put me on house arrest. You can't change your words after the fact, that's just being petty and unwilling to admit you were wrong. Yes I appreciate my parents helping me out through college, but they always did it with too many strings attached. They never wanted to trust me, they never did trust me, they were always afraid of the potential I had to become my own person, but that was inevitable.

It hurt me at the time when my parents said they wished I was never born, but now I see it as just completely silly and a testament to how fucked up they are in the head. On the surface, they seem like good parents, but they're soulless tyrants behind closed doors. The longer my mom was unemployed, the more tantrums she threw like a spoiled brat when she didn't get her way, always saying her kids never respect her when she doesn't give respect to begin with. My parents were so insecure, they lived through their kids in order to feel validated for existing. They felt their kids' success was their own, as if they did the work when they didn't. The sad part is how they brainwashed my sister into being their obedient servant. I always served my parents willingly, but it was out of the real love I had for them. The love my sister probably has for my parents now, is out of fear. She got so manipulated that she lashed out against me when my parents got angry at me for being gay. I couldn't tell if my sister really sided with my parents, or if it was a power play because I was always the favorite just for being the oldest and the first born son. Traditional parents always pull off this bullshit of favoring first born sons the most. Growing up, I always tried to defend my sister and try to be strong together whenever our mom got out of hand with her tirades. My sister used to rebel before I did. But I didn't stop her, because I wanted to play by the rules and keep a low radar. I regret not being by her side when my parents were chewing her out. It didn't become obvious until now how neglected my sister was by my parents.

And now? I'm the black sheep of the family. And yet, I still get phone calls and texts from my parents asking me to contact them back, trying to make it seem as if I was the only one who inflicted pain. But they're the ones who disowned me via text, who did everything they could to mentally break me down and get me to come home and give up on my quest for freedom. I blocked my family from Facebook, but after I left home, they were always making public posts about how happy they were as a family without mentioning me, and then it devolved to slandering me and my boyfriend and making baseless accusations. It would always get me angry, but I decided to heed some advice and completely block them out of my life after they disowned me. I'm now a lot happier not letting my curiosity for them get the better of me and seeing things lies they say about me that would anger me.

That's all for now. Next time, I need to get back on topic and talk about "bara" stuff again, not that I ever really did honestly. Lol

A New Home

I never post on here anymore, it's become forgotten. But now I've decided to make this my new home. Today I decided to try something new: I unfollowed all my friends on Facebook. I'm a rather strange individual. I'm very narcissistic, but at the same time very aware. My problem is I get very passionate and opinionated.

The past year has strained relationships for everyone. This past election has only divided everyone further because of how fast news and memes can get posted on the Internet. It's become a cesspool of shit posting and people staying within their echo chambers.

I came to the realization months ago that I'm quite the conservative, but not to the extreme. I hate how politically correct everyone is forced to be these days and I hate the self-righteous shutdowns extremist liberals use to shutdown people with dissenting opinions and then instantly doing all they can to ruin their relationships, their careers, and their reputation. The right/conservatives use the same tactics too, but not to the dangerous extremes the left has been doing as of late.

I think these days, it's just best to keep opinions to yourself or to just share them anonymously on the Internet. I like being challenged, I like seeing people's thoughts and opinions, but everyone has become so intolerant these days and few are so quick to share every single damn political article and meme that fits their narrative. I'm guilty of it too, but I usually try to qualify it and I never fully endorse something, because I don't know all the facts.

I've always felt alone most of my life. It's gotten better now though. My family disowned me, made me leave with nothing, I lost friends who helped me out of that situation because I learned they were exactly like my family, I made new friends and got closer with some I already had, I live with my boyfriend now, and I have a full-time job as an engineer. I'm pretty happy as of late. And I noticed a lot of my friends hardly post on Facebook anyways. They're busy with their own lives and probably enjoying it more than way too.

My boyfriend hates how petty I get, but it's my way of venting. I never get back at people, more like I walk the other direction and choose to be forgotten while I seethe in my anger. I forget it over time though, especially when I see less of a person who pisses me off.

So here's to new stomping grounds. I could care less who follows/unfollows me at this point. I just want a place to speak my mind and not care about anyone's feelings anymore. It's work I don't like being forced to do, and usually I'm very careful about that, but I'm just tired of dealing with people who are more close-minded than I am and don't want to listen and make a conversation mutual.

So I guess I'll just stick to spending time with my boyfriend, working, going to the gym, get my cosplay hobby started, play games online, watch anime... just be me.

The Oldest Record I Have

To All My Followers,

Sorry I haven't posted so much. I've needed some time thinking what I want to use this blog for. Always, it was an outlet for me to post my thoughts as a closeted gay man when I couldn't tell them to anyone. But over the years while I was in college, I came out to friends little by little, and I guess in a way, I didn't need this blog as much as I needed.

Fast forward to the present, a lot of crap has happened to me in the past year:

May 2015: I graduate with my Aerospace Engineering degree after 7 years in college after starting back in August 2008.
Sept 2015: Unable to find a full-time engineering job, I get hired for another internship, engineering this time at a local aircraft company I interned once before where my family lives. In the same month, my family forced me to confess I was gay and tried their hardest to shut me off from the world and cut all my connections.
Oct 2015: I finally ran away from home leaving with nothing, after trying for a month and a half to make up with my family, I realized they never wanted to acknowledge how they hurt me or ever wanted me to be happy just for being me.
Jan 2016: I move in with my boyfriend and his dad until I can find a job, was a happy time, and his dad was more of a father to me than my own dad was.
Mar 2016: I finally get a job as a junior engineering through a friend and live with him and his wife, also the same friend who helped me run away from my family and gave me a place to stay for two weeks until I could find my own place.
Jun 2016: I move out of my friend's place with my bf because we both found out how bitchy his wife was and uncannily similar she was to how my mom operated to push people away from her and blame others for everything. Unable to take the abuse anymore, my bf and I finally moved out to an apartment of our own and finally living our gay life as a couple.
Jul 2016 (Now): Things have been a lot more happier and chill for me. I don't get angry as much as I used to over frustration of the things I had no control in my life that was beating me down like family or roommates I had no choice but to put up with until I found my own place.

All in all, looking back, I've gone through so much. I'm 26 now, but sadly, most of that history is gone. When I was still with my family after they outed me from the closet, they forced me to use my friend who I stayed with later to breakup with my bf for me. And they wanted me to cut ties with all my friends and start my life anew "their way". One night, they sat me down and they all watched me as I deleted every social media account I had. The only ones I didn't delete were the gay ones I had that they never knew about, and my LoL, Steam, some Yahoo emails, MySpace, and a few other accounts that I've forgotten about. The biggest losses I had though were my Facebook and YouTube/Google accounts. I had so much history logged on my Facebook all the way back from high school, so many long posts about my life like I do here sometimes, all gone because my family wanted me to cut my ties. I stupidly put up with them for a month and a half because I honestly did feel guilty as a son for deceiving them, for talking shit about my mom on Facebook because she was driving me nuts with her erratic behavior, and I felt the need to repair things with them. But after a month and a half, I realized that was never gonna happen. All throughout that time, they emotionally abused me and made me feel and think such dangerous thoughts: that I was worthless with my degree because I took so long, that all my friends and my boyfriend were manipulating me, anything they could say to make me feel like a horrible person, and they were all accusations made on speculation that weren't true. In the end, it felt like I was the only one apologizing while my family did nothing to try and understand who I was or try to realize how they were hurting me.

And so one day, I left.

I guess for the future, I can try posting on here whenever I have something nagging at me. I've been open lately on Facebook but don't really get much response usually, my posts are too long and too personal that I don't think people want to hear more drama. But I have you guys. And I guess I'll try posting more bara pics while I'm at it, just hope I don't get flagged for copyright infringement.

Anyways, looking forward to posting a bit more on here. It seems like the best way, especially since this blog is unsearchable. I dare not open that option in fear of my family or anyone finding this. Even my journal, I must keep private, because I know how the world hates it when people go public with their true feelings, they do a 180 on you.

Thoughts on migrating

Not sure who's going to read this, but it seems that Blogger isn't widely used anymore for porn, let alone gay-oriented blogs. "The Bara Journal" was a blog I made to put my thoughts out there about what I was going through living in the closet all throughout college, and it helped, a lot. Especially with the few responses I got from the few guys who've followed me. My reason for leaving this blog is because I want to make a new one to my main gmail account. I made this before Blogger was bought out by Google, but the gmail I made for this, I never use... Oh hell, I guess I can keep updating it, idk.

And from the looks of it, only a few people I've followed still update their Blogger accounts. Thinking of making the same posts on Tumblr honestly, or other sites and keep them all unified.

And it's weird. I've gotten to a point in my life where I want to be more open about my sexuality, and it's a long story that I'll have to talk about another time. And there might be a few posts on here that I've made that are a bit too personal that I don't want the general public to tie to me in real life, such as revealing guys I've been with and things I may have done sexually.

What do you think I should do?

I lied

To all those who I promised that I'd start posting weekly, I'm sorry. Perhaps I should try keeping it real for once.

I recently got my first smartphone this past Christmas. First thing I did? Download phone app games of course. I play Sonic Rush Fever, Sonic Dash, Quiz RPG, Puzzle and Dragons, Marvel Puzzle Quest, and some bodybuilding game daily. Second? I downloaded gaydar apps: Grindr, Growlr, and Scruff. I'm pretty much obsessed with using these gaydar apps. I would like to believe that every guy thinks this: You be in a relationship, but still lust after other men. It's so true. What you lack in your relationship, you will want to fill the gaps with other men. Maybe your partner isn't attractive enough for you, your personalities don't create enough chemistry, whatever. I'd like to believe that gay men have an easier time maintaining open relationships, but almost always one will get more easily jealous than the other.

But at the end of the day, you'll realize why you love the person you're with even if he's not perfect, because you find out you get along with him the most out of any other man. That's somewhat the case with my bf. I love him, but he doesn't seem to excite me. We had a few talks before. I mentioned that I didn't find him attractive. He looks okay, he just doesn't make me lust for him. He didn't take that well. He told me: "It's not fair for you to expect me to be muscular if you aren't muscular yourself." Point taken, but I can't force myself to be attracted if I'm not. And it's not so much looks, it's attitude. If you want a healthy relationship, both partners need to be confident in themselves and trust that they love each other. If you get insecure easily and get jealous easily, then there will be constant misunderstandings.

I'm currently in my last semester of college. I can only hope I get hired for a job for my degree. I'll be graduating with a Bachelor's in Aerospace Engineering and a minor in Finance. Aside from all that, I'm still obsessed with wanting to get bigger and more muscular. I still would like to become a bara sempai someday and help other smaller guys become bara as well. For too long I've felt alone that I couldn't be with guys who I would actually like as friends and would want to have sex with. It sucks.

Other than that, I play League of Legends any chance I get. I main Olaf btw, and man there's so many bara studs in LoL. I just like playing Olaf because I love getting tanky and just being a bruiser. I always use his Pentakill Olaf skin because I love seeing his broad back and his massive pecs and beard. So sexy! Granted, I tend to die a lot as him since he's such a late game champ. I love spamming his Reckless Undertow (E) for true damage. I love his (W) for life stealing since it's a nice quick way to recover HP. His Q is great for chasing. And I usually use his ult to get out of sticky situations or get into a team fight after it started to do cleanup.

I use his new splash art as my lock screen wallpaper, and his old one as my home wallpaper:

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

"My name is Hov..." No, fuck no it ain't. lol

41 followers, dang. Y'all still following this dead blog? I appreciate it I guess.

So my name is "Baraboylover". As of now, I'm 24 years old, a 7th year as an undergraduate Aerospace Engineering student/Finance minor (long story, maybe another time), and I'm pretty much a guy who likes "bara".

Bara - refers to a category of Japanese yaoi which depicts men as manly/hairy/muscular/chubby, basically yaoi made by men for men.

Really, I just love muscles, it's like a fetish for me. To me, a muscular man represents the idea of strength, virility, confidence, and just raw sex appeal. I'm about 5 ft. 8 in. in height, 154lbs, and I have an average build with some muscle. So pretty much, I'm a "boy" who "loves" "bara" men hoping to be "bara" himself one day. And if you wanna see what I look like, find me on adam4adam, I go on that gay dating/hookup site a lot to chat with friends.

Honestly, I'm too lazy to backtrack right now and read what I've posted on here so long ago. Hell my motivation to make another post on here wasn't until a follower messaged me and said we talked a long time ago when he found my blog years ago. So I guess for now, I can just give a quick update on my life:

I probably mentioned this before, but in Fall 2010, I believe was when I lost my virginity. From then on, I started occasionally meeting with a few guys every so often for hookups. Some were one-time things, others were friends with benefits. And then 2 years ago, I met my boyfriend. My boyfriend's kinda like me: we both like bara, we're both gamers, we watch anime/cartoons, read manga online, we're both equally nerdy. Granted, we have some problems, but what relationship doesn't? I happy to be with him and I hope our relationship gets better over time.

In Summer 2013, I started working out by hitting the gym. At first, I was shy. I thought back all the way to my freshman year of college in Fall 2008. I remember always being intimidated by the big guys in the gym. It sucked being gay, in the closet, and going into the gym having no idea what to do. I'd say the first few times I went to the gym as a freshman, I quickly lost motivation, because I had no idea how to workout effectively for the goals I wanted. There were also times where I'd get so winded and tired the first few times because I hardly ever worked out before, I'd feel like throwing up (which I did sometimes) and felt like I was gonna die from exhaustion.

Fast forward to Summer 2013, I think I just got tired of sitting in my apartment doing nothing, so I decided to workout and be regular about it. This was of course after years of reading and looking up workout plans online. The workout plan I'm currently following is 5x5 Strong Lifts, and I like the concept, I'm seeing some gains in strength, but not so much in muscle mass as my diet isn't perfect or catered towards growth. I'm just focusing on strength for now since I feel I don't have the money to buy more food to eat to fuel muscle growth. lol

When it comes to weightlifting, I definitely prefer free weights all the way. Squats, deadlifting, bench press, barbell rows, and overhead presses (exercise all recommended by the 5x5 Strong Lifts program). There's nothing I like more than free workout programs online. Honestly, I feel all workout and diet information should be free, and I feel all you need to do is know the simple basics, apply them, and you'll see good initial results and retain them if you stay consistent. The only thing that needs to change is adding variety to your workout and maybe changing your diet as necessary to continue pursuing goals and overcoming plateaus. Am I an expert? Fuck no, and I definitely wouldn't recommend anyone to heed my advice unless they do their own research afterwards to see what works for them.

Aside from weightlifting, I also like swimming now, also started in Summer 2013, after being inspired after watching season 1 of  "Free! Iwatobi Swim Club" Rei Ryugazaki is my favorite character, and I still need to learn Butterfly stroke in the swim class I'm in right now. If I had to say what my goal is fitness-wise, it would be to be a big muscular swimmer; strong in lifting weights and having functional strength with massive muscles, but still able to swim gracefully in the lap pool. I wanna look fucking hot in speedos one day! Hell I think I look pretty okay in them, but I wanna get bigger.

I guess where my life stands now is that I will graduate next Spring (and hopefully have a job for my degree by the time I graduate). Classes are definitely my top priority right now, with my boyfriend and working out being a close second. I just wanna get out of my university so I can start working and make money to help out my family and to start funding my bodybuilding hobby that I wanna do so badly. I'm pretty shallow/narcissistic.

I'm not sure what I could talk about, but I'd like to talk about real gay issues, in a real way:

Real Gay M*********ing Talk

That was a Mad TV sketch reference btw. I have quite a bit to say about the gay community, but I'll save it for future posts.

Shit I hope to talk about in the future:
-Gay issues
-Video games
-Working out
-Gay dating
-Gay sex
-Anime
-Character shipping
-Music
-My life

I hate making promises, but I'm hoping to make this a weekly thing from now on, at least to just rant about what's on my mind each week. Thanks for the support up to now, I hope I can reach out to some of you and let y'all know that you're not alone.

Another one of those sparse updates

As always, I fail to update this blog. Part of the reason why is because I'm doing something else onling (and I only made a blogger account to follow my favorite bara artists). So yeah, I'm probably jacking off more than I am making posts. But if I had to give a distribution of where my time is spent online:

Facebook: following news feed and playing games (mostly YOU DON'T KNOW JACK!, the best trivia game ever)
Adam4adam: I usually just login to chat and see if I have any new messages. That's about it, since I found my boyfriend on there months ago sometime last fall.
boards.barachan.org: Who doesn't lurk on the board? Strangely, I mostly lurk on the Discussion thread to see if there's any new topics that I find interesting enough to reply to.
YouTube: Lately, it's to watch episodes of the J-drama "Liar Game"
MangaFox: So I could read the manga "Liar Game", which unfortunately I recently just finished reading all the chapters out as of now.
Crunchyroll.com: So I can watch "Attack on Titan", which is hot right now.
Tumblr.com: Because I find it easier to follow people on their than I do on here. Blogger loads kinda slow for me, but it's been awhile since I've checked out everyone's new work, including MonkeyGoGo, who always draws some good artwork consistently.
Webcourses2c.instructure.com: My university's online portal for classes. It's a necessity.
stocktrak.com: I recently used it for one class (Financial Markets) where I got to learn about different types of investments and how to create a diverse investment portfolio to minimize risk, but create stable, long-term returns. I don't understand it some of it too well yet, but it's interesting. Oh and, aside from my Aerospace Engineering major, I'm working on a Finance minor since I unfortunately have to be in college longer than I'd like to be, because my university offers a lot of upper level courses once a year, which screws everything up for students who fail or withdraw from harder classes and have to wait an entire year just to retake them. I'd move on, but with the way pre-requisites are lined up, it's impossible.

This summer, I'm taking only Finance classes for my minor. So far, an A and a B for two classes I took already. The B could've been an A, but I missed getting an A by one question on my last exam, so I'm kinda pissed about the narrow margin. Grades haven't officially come out yet, so I'll see whether or not my professor curves. I doubt it though, since his syllabus stated he doesn't do plus/minus grades or curving of any kind. His justification is because he provides extra credit opportunities.

Techinically, next Fall/Spring will be my last year of college, and I intend to try my hardest. I just wanna fucking graduate and quit throwing money away towards housing. I do have a work-study job on campus, but it's a part-time job, doesn't pay much either, since my supervisor doesn't come up with my work for me to do, and I'm too much of a wuss to ask if I could just get paid for showing up and waiting until work gets in. Currently, I took out $2,750 in students loans, but that's chump change compared to other people who have ballooning student loan debts. I lucked out, but it is getting harder every year to avoid taking out loans. I just hope I get a job after I graduate college. That's why this summer, I ought to make it a priority to contact a place I had an internship at last summer, just to give an update, and hope they didn't forget about me. My supervisor at that place told me they like to rehire their interns. Hope I get lucky then. And I ordered all my engineering textbooks for next fall and I'm gonna start studying for those hard classes so I don't have to panic as much in the Fall when I start Senior Design.

The Monarch's Henchmen: #1 (The Chubby Ginger)

#1 will always hold a special place in my heart. Not only because he was the one who took my virginity, but we still talk and will probably always be friends.

#1 was a middle-aged guy, redhead, freckled face, chubby. I didn't find him that attractive, but what really won me over was how easy it was to talk with him online (via Adam4Adam). With any hookup site, you really can't expect to find guys who want more than just sex. Luckily, there are a few guys who are looking for more than just a quick fuck.

"Ichiban-san" is part of that select group that is attracted to slim, Asian guys. The guy told me several times how hot I was. I gotta say, it really boosted my self-confidence. He was a quiet guy, we talked about our lives. I told him I was a closeted, college student, and he told me he was a cop/lawyer. He's been divorced for a few years, has a son and a daughter. As of now, they've both graduated high school already. And I think he lives with his son but hasn't told him yet, but is pretty sure his son got the idea. Ironically, he divorced his wife because he said she was crazy, not because he was gay.

He was a Pisces, and so am I (due to the shift in the astrological signs caused by a change in the Earth's tilt). Technically, I'm born an Aries, but I may be more of a Pisces. I think I am a Pisces because I find myself to be an emotional person. I recall some of our conversations consisted of me talking about what was going on in my life and his. Junior year was rough for me: Failed 2 classes in the Fall because I fell into this deep depression, sort of like a mid-college-life crisis and I felt like I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I didn't know what I wanted. Luckily, I'm out of that now and so close to graduating.

When I met with "Ichi-san", it was at a hotel near my university. We couldn't go to his place because at the time he was living with his son and daughter who were probably still in high school. We got to the room and brought some Chinese food we bought for dinner. Ended up talking for a bit, watched tv. I think I showed him some bara manga I had saved on my laptop. Showed him Takeshi Matsu's "Crime Scene Investigation" since he mentioned he was a cop. We read it together, and I guess it got him pretty turned on, because at some point, he put his arm over my chest, and then we just started kissing. I must've been nervous the first time we met because I didn't initiate any moves until he did. But I was definitely comfortable making out with him. It felt so nice that first time, to get that intimate touch I was looking for. We eventually got to him fucking me. He rimmed me and fingered me first of course. It was painful having him in me though, since he had a really thick cock. He asked me to fuck him, but I couldn't stay hard. I still have trouble staying hard sometimes actually. And then we took a shower together and tried going to sleep. I think he slept, but I couldn't sleep at all. Sleeping next to another person after sex was a new concept to me.

After that first time, we didn't meet again until a year and a half later. During that time, I had classes again Spring 2012. I probably didn't have anyone and I was horny, so he asked if I wanted to come over to his place. We knew each other for awhile and still talked online after the first time we met. We eventually got to talking about barebacking. I'm sure we were both nervous about it, but we trusted each other, I even told him about how I regularly get tested about every 3 months whenever I get the chance. This time, he wanted me to be the top. I think he was the first guy I ever topped and barebacked with too. We barebacked about 4 times I think. It was really hot the first few times, cumming inside his ass, and then he came right after I came inside. I was kind of in disbelief that I could actually make him cum, but it definitely boosted my confidence in sex. Although I can recall having a hard time "staying hard" because my dick is kinda thin and his ass isn't really tight. But when I got hard, man it felt good. He always came every single time I fucked and came inside him. I guess he really does have a thing for young, slim Asian guys. Eventually, we stopped having sex. The last time we had sex together, I wasn't really into it. I tried fucking him, but I just couldn't enjoy it. I eventually told him that I couldn't do it because it didn't feel right to me anymore. He was cool with it though, and I have a feeling he knew that I wasn't really into him. He knows what turns me on. We still talked afterwards though. He had another friend, a young Puerto Rican guy who he had a crush on. He didn't have a crush on me, but I'm glad he had a friend he liked. However, he always told me about how his friend didn't really reciprocate his feelings back. At the very least, he told me they had a great "friends with benefits" relationship going on, and even got to bareback with each other. He told me they got tested together and it made him really happy, strengthened their trust for each other. Unfortunately, his friend had to go back to Puerto Rico for family business and has no idea when he'll be coming back. So now, he keeps looking for a special guy to be with. I'd say another good thing that came out of it is that he has been hitting the gym these past few months, so hopefully that'll help him feel better about himself and to get a guy to get attracted to him. He has a huge problem of being bombarded by younger guys looking for "generous guys" or "sugar daddies". And he tends to talk with a few guys for awhile, but then they flake out on him and never meet.

He always messages me first, but lately he hasn't. I wonder how he is?

The Monarch's Henchmen

It's been awhile since I posted. I seriously neglect blogging because when I do, I always do long posts. And if I work on it too long, I get impatient and don't feel like finishing. Plus, I'm in my 5th year of college as an undergraduate unfortunately. I feel a little stupid because of that. Failed 2 classes, withdrew from 1. Yeah, that can definitely hold me back. And if you go to the second-largest university in the nation, where they offer upper level courses only once a year because they're too cheap to hire more professors to offer important classes for more than one semester because they're just out to make a profit... "Stands For Opportunity" my ass. Their motto's a load of bull. The services that come paid from tuition are great, but it could be better if the administrative staff didn't screw everyone over who deserves the money and support. But hey, Aerospace Engineering's pretty challenging. I think I can do enough to pass my classes, but getting A's in all of them, now that's another story.

Anyways, I'd have to say it's been about a year since I last posted. I learned that having a boyfriend or falling in love isn't necessarily that important. I'm much better off having close friends to hangout with and have sex inbetween. I don't think it would be fair to me or to another guy if I still had my own life that I wanted to work towards for. Some people can balance personal dreams and relationships just fine, but I feel for me I need my space. Or rather, I just don't want to be put into a position where the other person would feel I'm neglecting them. I can commit to a relationship, being devoted isn't that hard as long as you want to be. I think relationships start failing once you let the concept of commitment seem burdensome when it shouldn't. Relationships work best if you let them flow naturally, and if you don't think too much about it. Besides, if you can't trust the people you're with, then you'll never feel at ease. It's not that hard to tell who's trustworthy and who isn't. How open you are about your feelings tells a lot about your personality.

I have the unfortunate opportunity of temporarily living in Orlando, FL. The guys in the gay community here kinda suck. The guys are kinda shallow here, but so am I, and that's not really the problem. The real problem is the lack of personality in most of these guys. I feel like most guys don't know how to hold a decent conversation. There's a reason why I want to get to know a guy better before actually meeting him in person. The more I chat with a guy online or through texting, the better feel I get for his personality. I evaluated my choices in guys on a few things: looks, personality, common traits, and their display of affection during sex.

Despite my obsession with bara guys, I don't expect all guys to have that look. I'm shallow, but not in the sense that I'd ignore a guy because I didn't find him attractive. I'd still talk to you, sure. I might even have sex with you, but I'll be honest by saying that if I'm not really enjoying it, it because I'm not that attracted to you. I'm usually not put into that sort of situation, except when a close friend of mine asks me if we could have sex, I'll probably agree to it because I just want to be nice. I don't think my friends would find me to be an asshole, because they know beforehand what I like physically in a guy. We just have sex to satisfy our sexual hunger. lol

Out of all the gay dating sites I've used, Adam4Adam is my favorite. It seems to be the best "free" gay dating service in my opinion. For one, nudity is okay on the site, the only problem is that you don't have much space to describe yourself on your profile. But hey, I care more about the conversations I have with guys I meet on there.

You might be wondering why I titled this blog post "The Monarch's Henchmen". I've decided to keep track of the guys I've been with, whether it was casual or long-term. Within the past year, one of my ex-roommates forced me to watch DVDs he had. A group of them he had were all the Venture Bros. seasons released on DVD or Blu-ray as of this year. So I figured, why not number the guys I've been in bed with?

Takin' A Back Seat to the Dating Scene

Fuck it. Looking for a prospective lover in college takes up too much time. I've been seeing a counselor earlier this summer, and I'm glad I did. I know what my problem is now: I don't open up to anyone. I keep things to myself too long until I start hurting myself by thinking of the worst possible case scenarios and then assuming that no one can help me with my problems.

My primary problem right now, academically, is that I don't know how to ask for help in my classes. I'm too independent, I like doing shit on my own. I'm afraid of asking for help because I'm afraid of wasting their time and I'm afraid of being denied help, as well as a few other reasons. I find myself more focused on my classes more than ever. I used to use loneliness as a reason for being distracted and not being able to focus on my work... and I truly was lonely too. I still am, but not as much. After I did counseling, I started opening up to my friends about my feelings, usually online. So far I've gotten a lot of positive responses. I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. The next step for me is to actually solve my problems. It's like I wasted the first 3 years of college doing soul-searching to find out what my problem was and how to solve it. Or it's more like I wasted so much time to admit the truth to myself about who I am and what I really want. I know what I want: I want to fucking graduate and create shit that flies. Aerospace Engineering ftw, lol. It's still intimidating though, but I want to stick with it. If anything, I could probably succeed, if only I could change my attitude and outlook on life. I'm too negative, and I push other people away accusing them that they don't understand my pain. I'm not even close to my family at all. I can't even share my feelings with my parents without them getting mad at me for being upset over things they feel are insignificant. It's weird... they want me to be honest, but they get mad at me when they don't hear the type of "honesty" they want to hear, ya know?

I actually feel closer to some of my friends than I do compared to my parents. I mean, I love my parents, but I really do feel they just don't get me. But lately, ever since I started opening up to some of my friends, I've been better.

As for dating, I don't even lurk much on dating or hook-up websites anymore. Mostly because my searches usually bear no fruit. I don't have a car, and I demand too much from another guy. I just stopped trying altogether because I realize that I really don't have the time anyways. I'm not good at multitasking, so I really am putting all my focus on college for now (which I should've done in the first place). I think when I started college, I was pursuing a "Mr. degree" (sorta like the M.R.S. degree for girls). I was looking for friends and a potential boyfriend, while still in the closet, which I still am closeted actually. But I found those friends now, and after witnessing the failing marriage of my parents and failed relationships of my other friends, I realize it's just not worth the time right now.

Aside from classes, I'm terrible managing time. I'm quite the hedonist. I live for pleasure and fun. I have way too much leisure time. I could probably use a lot of that time doing homework, but when I look at the big picture and make it seem like a formidably hard task to do, I end up not trying. Starting is always the hardest thing for me. It's like I'm scared to try because I'm afraid I'll fail. Or I'm scared of trying, then succeeding, and then getting an even harder task to do.

Aside from classes, I have a few other goals in mind that I wish to pursue:
-still be able to do Orchestra while taking even harder classes
-actually start working out regularly (but I use classes and food as an excuse for not trying. I don't have a set meal plan in mind to help me stay healthy that would compliment my workout, if I did it.)
-still be launching rockets with this club I'm in

And probably a few others.

I use a planner a lot. Write down goals/tasks for the week, make sure I do them. Although usually I end up not doing them on time, so I write them in for the next week. Managing time is hard. If I controlled time, I probably still wouldn't be able to do everything I wanted out of laziness and fear of failure.

"Unwell"

Hey yo. Sorry for keepin' y'all hangin' like I always do. This is actually I note I wrote on Facebook. I tend to write these a lot, so I figured I should just copy and paste 'em here.

--------------------

Matchbox Twenty "Unwell"

"See... me...
Talking to myself in public
And dodging glances on the train
And I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind"

-Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20

I had a similar situation today. I was crying on the shuttle going home because I did kinda crappy on another quiz today, and because I chickened out of going to office hours... again. So I wore my "hat" again to hide my tears, but it doesn't help when I'm blowing my nose every 2 minutes, which is a dead giveaway that I'm crying. Whether I'm crying or just out in public, I wonder how many people actually notice me, and if they do, what do they think of me? I've had a reputation of being weird for so long, I just assume that's how people will look at me.

You know what I really want to do? When I'm frustrated, I just want to go out and yell, scream, and force everyone to listen to me. Sometimes I wish I could just grab a blunt weapon and start smashing things: cars, windows, people. Sometimes I wish I could just grab a random passerby and shake them by the collar, yell at their face, force them to listen to my problems, and then ask them if they feel me. They'd say "yes" out of fear, but my paranoia won't allow me to ever believe and I'd yell and say they're bullshitting me and they don't understand me at all.

But I wouldn't do all of that... Because it would be too weird. Because it's wrong. Because it's disturbing the peace that everyone "falsely" desires so much. I know everyone wishes they could let out their frustrations on the world the same way, but they don't admit for the sake of not alienating the people around them. I also don't do it because I know everyone has more power over me. I don't do it because my human conscience won't allow me to.

But if I was the most powerful being in the world, in the universe... and if I didn't feel guilty about bringing pain and sadness to others... I would do it. But for now, I'll play nice. I'll always play nice because I'll always see myself as a weakling. No one steps over me because everyone is nice. Sometimes I wish they did so I had a reason to fight to live. I feel like the best motivation for life is when it's threatened. But of course... I don't have much fight it me. I can hardly defend myself, I feel too much self-guilt when I hurt someone... I'm a softy. So the only option I ever have is to cry and feel depressed.

I was hanging outside the TA's office for Modeling Methods again today. I think this is the 5th or 6th time I was hanging outside. I asked help from him once before, but it did take a lot for me to actually go. I did the usual, worked on the project in the same building so I could figure out what questions I wanted to ask, made a list for those questions, and then sat outside his office. Everytime I sit outside someone's office, I'm always mentally preparing myself on how to ask my questions so I know I get what I want. But as I was sitting outside, he walked inside his office. So had I gone inside, he wouldn't have been inside. It was the perfect chance to go. But I still stalled. He left his office again and probably saw me still sitting in the same position. He's probably noticed by now that I sit outside his office a lot. I left because I felt he thought I was weird for sitting outside his office too long. If I had questions, I would've gone inside the moment he came back.

I'm afraid of asking for help because I'm afraid of turning it into a "counseling session" rather than actually learning the material. I've been such a lazy, average student for so long, my confidence has been hurt due to such an infamous academic history. I feel like if I did go to office hours, I would just break down and cry in front of them out of frustration. And I don't want to burden them with that. It's not their job or responsibility to deal with the emotional health of their students, they're supposed to get help on that from loved ones or actual counselors.

I did the whole "counseling" thing, so you can't say that I didn't try it yet, because I did. And honestly, I loved it. However, it's gotten to the point where I can go as many times as I want, but it won't help solve my problems. I know what my problems are, I just don't know how to solve them... or I just don't have the will to solve them.

I'm a "drama addict". I make problems for myself because I don't know how to deal with the "big picture". I don't know what I want in life. I worry that my future will be bleak, so I accept that the "worst" will happen, and I use pessimism as a way to mentally prepare myself for it. Even if there's a small chance that it will happen, the thought always takes me over. And the more I think of it, the more it becomes reality. It's hard for me not to think of it. I compare myself to other people all the time, and every time I conclude that I'm just "average". I'm not amazing academically. I don't have a lot of motivation to do my best because I'm not very disciplined and my "average" history tells me that I can try all I want, but I'll still be average. But with my bad attitude, I may very well become more stupid than I truly am.

The problems I have can probably be easily overcome by other people. They don't put too much thought into the issues I deal with. Despite the pain I feel over the silly social problems I give myself, I secretly enjoy it. I enjoy it because I feel like the star of my own show, a show called "Life". I could care less about what's going on with the world or with other people, because at the moment, I only care about "me". I am selfish, very much so. I consider myself to be very self-absorbed and narcisstic, but I know that I'm not that extreme about it. I just say that so people could tell me otherwise.

Why do you think I always put myself down? I do it as an ego check really. I don't really care how I compare to other people, I just care that I'm not trying my best, but I don't know how to... Well I know how to, I just don't have the patience or the discipline for it. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that... But it should only matter how I feel about myself, right? We all know that's the truth, but it's very hard to ignore how other people feel about you. If you tell me that you don't care what others think of you... YOU'RE LYING! You can be the most self-assured person in the world, but you'll care, even just for a little bit. We're too social with each other to not care.

I play games with people, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I put myself down as an ego check. I really do feel like I'm the hero of my own story... or the anti-hero, the villian, the tragic villian, whatever. Point is, I see myself as the main character even though I feel like a minor character in this huge society of ours. I also do it to hear what other people think of me. Whether they agree with what I said, or they say I'm not and compliment on how I am. I ain't gonna lie, I'm pretty insecure, but I prefer to be "openly insecure" because I feel it's the best way to not feel as insecure. The more you bottle everything inside, the more insecure you become. I know that the more I talk and open myself up, the easier it is to solve my personal problems. And I know I want to solve them, I just don't have the courage to go through with it yet. It's hard for me to take the first step. Even the second and third. It's always hard for me to start, but after the first few times, it become second-hand and I do it without thinking too much about it, like it feels natural. It's like how Sheryl Crow sang: "The first cut is the deepest." Although I think that was about you first breakup or something, totally unrelated to what I'm talking about.

Space exploration is the next frontier, but I'm already exploring one: It's called "interacting with others". I still don't know how to really "trust" new people I meet or other people I don't know well to hear me out and understand me. I get shy when dealing with people I don't really know well. I hardly gossip about other people I know behind their backs (but I find myself doing it more often...). I never really think if anyone is talking about me or what they do think of me. However, I do think about it sometimes. The times when I really do think about what they think of me, is whenever we share and "awkward moment" together or when I make them upset. I start to re-evaluate my relationship I have with them and I search inwardly for all the things I did wrong (which weren't that major in their opinion probably). I tend to let my guilt consume me, and I end up avoiding people... I also avoid people if I sense they feel uncomfortable being around me.

In my honesty box here on Facebook, one of my friends left a comment saying: "It's not that I hate it, but you're pretty immature and socially awkward. Man up and I'd want to hang out with you more." It was in response to my question: "Is there anything you hate about me?" With a loaded question like that, you would think I would have braced myself for the brutal honesty I so desired... But sadly I was immature that time and didn't take it well. We ended up arguing back and forth. He told me:

"There's nothing wrong with "being yourself". However, being different and eccentric do not preclude refusing to change the way you interact with people.

I'm talking about the way you carry yourself and the way you socialize with other people. You have that "air" of being a creeper. Posture and a less whiny tone of voice, as well a confident demeanor, go a long way in giving people good impressions."

It really was great advice, but I still argued with him until the guy gave up trying to help me. I look back now and I think: "Damn, I used to be such an emo idiot back then."

I avoid people not because I hate them, but because I feel they hate me, or find me too weird to hang around. And yet, I still hang out with people... out of desperation; desperation of not wanting to feel lonely and to just have some company after not having some for so long.

Part of my problem is that I just don't hang out with friends a lot. I'm too lazy to set something up or to call them. And I use classes as an excuse for being too busy (which I am, but not really) to hang out with them. In a lot of cases, when I do hang out with a friend, I'll have fun of course. But the longer I don't see them, the more I feel like we're drifting apart, when in reality we're just busy. I don't call people because:

1. I'm on a shared family plan and I don't want to waste minutes. Sprint doesn't do rollovers either.

2. I'm afraid of calling them and having the conversation become awkward. I don't want to call someone and hear in their tone of voice that they didn't want me to call them, or they don't really know who I am.

I also don't hang out a lot because I like having time to myself. From a psychological standpoint, I feel like the more time I have for myself, the more freedom I have to schedule things in the future and do whatever I please. But I'm one of those people who like to have "surpluses" of things as insurance, but never actually uses those surpluses which go to waste in the end anyways.

I've even gone so far as wishing I had an imaginary friend, or maybe even schizophrenia. But I know even schizophrenics wouldn't wish the disease on themselves if they didn't have it. It's radically different from the way we perceive the disease to be. But even if I'm not schizophrenic, I still feel like a weirdo in public, an anomaly that doesn't belong. Sometimes I wish I could split myself into physical embodiments of different aspects of my personality/emotions. If that did happen, I would never be alone. I'd literally be friends with myself. There's a good chance I'd bring hell to the world that way since everyone would truly see every side of me.

Phony. I'm also afraid of being phony. At all times, I want to be as sincere as possible, even if I hurt myself with the truth. If there's one thing that pisses me off, it's when people don't take me seriously, when they don't believe that I'm being genuine. They could be right, but almost all the time I'm just me. But I am afraid of producing an image of myself that's not representative of who I really am, but I acknowledge that I go too far in expressing the negative parts of myself, that I don't really give people a chance to see the other sides of me. I don't really think about the things I do; I just do things if I feel like it. Sure, I think about it when I have to make big decisions. But most of the time, I just "do" without thinking. I act on the whims and desires of my own heart. The only time I don't is when I repress myself because I'm unsure or afraid of the outcome. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm also afraid of being accepted or getting my way, and then having the possibility of losing what I fought so hard to earn. If I did lose, I'm afraid I might not have the courage to try again. I think I'm afraid of trying...

Ha. Haha... Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! I avoid other people because of my own paranoia. And it's not even that hard of a problem, it can be easily solved. But aren't we all a little "Unwell"?

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay a while and maybe then you'll see...

A different side me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough, you're gonna think of me...

And how I used to be"

Damn it felt good to let all that out...

Coulomb's Law Isn't Always True in Love

To those of you who don't know what "Coulomb's Law" is: F is the magnitude of the force of attraction/repel. k (aka 1/4pi*eo) is a constant. q1 and q2 are the signs and magnitude of the charges. And r^2 is the distance between the two charges. The further away the charges are, the lower the magnitude is for the force of attraction/repel is between them. Everyone knows the rule for the attraction of charges. Opposite charges attract. Same charges repel. But when it comes to love, it's almost always the other way around.

I've always known this, but it's just become more apparent to me the long I've searched for sex and romance:

Guys usually like guys who are a lot like themselves. This statement alone should be a given, you don't need to be a genius to know it. This applies in terms of physical attraction and of personality. Nerds will most likely hang out with nerds. Jocks will hang out with jocks. Everyone goes towards their respective clique out of instinct, without thinking about it. And of course, gays who are out will want to hang out with other out gays. And closeted guys would prefer to stick with other closet cases to insure they can stay closeted. There really isn't much mobility for one to move between worlds. Because we try to make a definitive identity for ourselves, we're forced to make choices about who we want to be and to stick with it... for the rest of our lives probably.

It really is hard to find true love. I'm aware that people will at one point, be unfaithful. I think monogamy is overrated because we're all very sexual beings, especially guys. I'll admit, at the very least, I can just settle with having a "friends with benefits" type of relationship. I can't have sex with a guy unless I actually like their personality and can be friends with them outside the bedroom. But I understand why everyone values monogamy so much. Aside from being insured that you're with someone you can trust, know about their sexual health, and to always have someone beside you... If you're in a truly-loving monogamous relationship, then you'll know that "he" is the guy who understands and loves everything about you best.

However, I feel for gay males, the younger you are, the more likely you're just looking for sex than an actual relationship. I've tried for months now looking for a guy who I can really like. I had one, but he's with another guy now. We're still great friends though. At the moment, I have no one. The #1 reason being classes and my busy life. There really is some truth when parents say you shouldn't date until after you graduate college. But that in itself is too much to ask. Surely, there is time that can be made. But because I'm so busy, I really don't have time for another guy in my life. Almost everytime I message a guy or get messages from others, I tell them my schedule, my personality, anything important that I feel they should take into consideration. And of course, being too honest about yourself or coming on too strong early in the game by asking for love... really turns a lot of guys off. And I think the younger you are, the more you stay away from commitment. And the older you get, the more likely you're going to want to settle down for a relationship that's more permanent. It seems to be the trend so far.

I still cry at night sometimes, when I feel lonely and it gets to me. What I hate most about all this is the frustration. I end up wasting time looking for a guy to love that I may never find. I just don't like how I can't think straight or focus on work sometimes when I start feeling lonely. But you know, I'd rather die alone if I don't find the right guy. I won't settle for less, and I can't settle for just having a sex partner. It has to be something more than that or else it's just not gonna be worth it at all. It's only fair that I expect to be rejected as much as I am picky about who I'm looking to be with. And I feel that in any serious relationship (regardless of how many people involved) everyone involved has to "unconditionally love" the other(s), otherwise it isn't an honest love.

I think what I need right now is just to vent about this, or someone to rant about it with who has the same frustrations. It could probably help as an outlet.

And you know, at this point I'm not so scared of people finding out that I like guys. I even posted a pic of myself on OkCupid. Just search for my username on there and you'll find it, for those who've been curious up until now. I've stayed in closet pretty well so far, and I have a good feeling that no one will really go out of their way to see if I'm gay or not. Granted, I still say I'm bi because I'm still curious about dating/being with a woman, but I like guys more. And if it ever turns out that my life becomes hell if someone else outs me... oh to hell with it.

Currently in a Slump

New semester, but same goal: just pass all my classes and hopefully graduate with a job ready. But aside from all that, and having failed 2 classes last Fall (which I'll get into later). I haven't found a boyfriend. I have my big bro, who I'm very thankful that he came into my life (we haven't met up yet this semester). But he's really the only guy I'm seeing right now, and really, one is plenty (or so said Frosty the Snowman in "Frosty Returns").

I'm starting to heed my mom's advice. She really meant it when I shouldn't be dating while I'm in college. But really, that's bullshit. I haven't really met with guys much last semester, and that alone wasn't the reason why I failed miserably. Btw, I failed Thermodynamics and Solid Mechanics (or Mechanics of Materials). They're not hard classes, just intimidating. I failed because I procrastinated. I feel procrastination is the root of a lot of problems. The longer you procrastinate, the worse it gets and the more problems you get the longer you do.

Ever since I've started college, I really have felt lonely. But it's my own fault for never getting out much. I have friends, but I still feel lonely, if any of you get what I mean. Clearly, I'm longing for love or some form of relationship. I've been trying to find a guy my age, but so far, no luck. It's probably because I talk too much like this, and I probably seem needy because of it. I could care less if I don't find a true lover my age. I've alone for so long, I'm kinda used to the feeling. Sometimes I even enjoy feeling the pain of loneliness. I'm starting to get the feeling that my "closeted" status may be indirectly affecting me to feel this way... probably is.

College is hard. It's even harder if you feel you have to do everything on your own like I do. I hardly ask for help because I feel I should do everything on my own. And I wouldn't dare ask for help if I didn't do the homework or reading yet (which is usually most of the time). Usually, I do things at the last minute, or later. I felt that if I was a slacker, then I had no right to ask for help, which was really a terrible reason. It doesn't help either that I have an "inferiority complex". I'm secretly envious of the students around me who I feel do better than me, because I start saying to myself: "If they can do it, then why can't I?" I think I'll always have this feeling of inferiority, but I'll always have to work with people at some points in my life.

I've considered to see a counselor soon. I've kept in my true feelings for far too long, I think I just want someone in person to listen to me. I've just been avoiding such help because I'm afraid of being diagnosed as "crazy" or something like that. Or really, I just feel that matters of the mind should be solved independently. I do believe that only I can control my feelings. I see counselors and psychologists as mere placebos who are paid by feeding off of other people's insecurities, like a drug. That may very well be true, but surely, there is some validity to their existence and function.

I heard about the whole "Zodiac sign change". Technically, I'm an Aries based on my birthday. But now, I should be a Pieces. Pieces are known to be lost in their own worlds. They like to live in fantasy because it's more manageable than reality. Probably the complete opposite of an Aries. Aries are stubborn, strong-willed, and live in the moment. I think Pieces desires to be an Aries, I know I do. Maybe I truly am an Aries, and I'm just not giving myself a change to acknowledge that. Pieces are also known to get very depressed when things become hopeless; they need someone to help them up. Pieces, however, are very empathetic and like to listen to the problems of others. But the backlash of this is that Pieces can be so absorbed into other people's problems that they lose sight of themselves. Pieces are known to be artists, writers, and musicians. I feel stuck between being a Pieces and an Aries. If I could leave this world and go to a fantasy world where it's just the way I feel the world should be, I would. Strangely, I chose to do engineering. I chose engineering because I feel it is the bridge between fantasy and reality. Innovative ideas can become reality if you're persistent and lucky enough. I really don't know what I want to do as an engineer though. The only way I know how to live life is to be like "The Wind". I'm too laid-back to think far ahead into the future. I hope I can just live a life where I can just go with the flow. It's my goal in life to be able to adapt to any situation, for I feel that's the best way to be happy in life: "To be happy with anything." Because you really shouldn't need a reason to be happy. Existing should be a good enough reason, maybe the only reason.

No guy wants to be with a guy who's indecisive and lacking in confidence about himself. I don't have a dynamic personality either... Yet secretly, I enjoy this feeling of loneliness, I really do. Because it makes me more aware of myself. Sometimes I pretend that I'm actually two instead of one: There's me, and then there's my subconscious self. Despite acting a little schizophrenic, I'm aware of how unreal it all is. I've never really had a close friend (in person), nor can I think up an imaginary friend, too much work. So I'm fine just pretending to be friends with myself. The closest friend I have right now is "protoman_45". I dare not say his name because he's not out either. We both love bara, and we listen to each other's problems and understand each other's emotions. I hope to meet him in person one day. But other than that, I'm still waiting for my other, my "symbiote". Although, I might have already met him (my big bro), but we'll see where it goes.

I hardly post pics on here, but I've decided to since it'll relate to how I feel at the moment. I hope they don't get me for copyright infringement. I'll try to give credit if I know the source.














Artist: ~No-Restraints on DeviantArt
Source: http://no-restraints.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d2eti7m




















Artist: Most likely from someone on pixiv
Source: Unknown




















Artist: *Paradox-OS on DeviantArt
Source: http://paradox-os.deviantart.com/gallery/25924411#/d3247kh

I'm trying to be more structured now. I use my planner more than I ever have before. Anything that comes to mind that I know needs to get done, I write it down so I don't forget. I've even made printouts of my schedule, Professor and TA office hours, and important goals I have for this semester, to put up on my bedroom wall so I'm always reminded of them. Hell, I'm gonna try posting on here regularly (at least weekly), if I can. I'm too scared to be almost as honest like this on Facebook anyways. lol

Temporarily Back From Hiatus

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You know what I hate about internet porn?

The fact that I always feel inclined to "save" the pics. It's like I have to make my own personal collection, or else I won't feel satisfied. I'm quite meticulous about it as well. I organize my folders, based on websites I found them from, artists, the name of the series the fanart is from. One of my favorite folders: "Pokemon". Quite a few hot guys on there. Bruno of the Elite Four, Lt. Surge, Byron, hell I can't them of them all. Another one of my favorite folders: "Doushinjis" or comics/manga. There's nothing better than bara porn than a story that goes along with it. I back my collection up on adrive.com where anyone can get 50GB worth of storage space for free. The beauty of it is you can upload folders and you don't have to go through the hassle of uploading individual files. I already have about 12GB of my collection uploaded on there, but that doesn't include the straight hentai animes, the yaoi animes, or the gay Tube8 videos I have. I'm not gonna bother uploading videos on there. Need room for pics. The irony of all this? I don't even look through my entire collection. I don't have the time to. I'm a total rat-packer when it comes to porn; I just save it for the sake of knowing that I have it.

Btw, the only yaoi animes I have are "Sensitive Pornograph" (totally bishie) and "Legend of the Blue Wolves" (totally bara, but no cumshots *sad face)

M.I.A.

I'm way too inconsistent with posting on here. Anyways, thought I'd make a random post. It's summer and I'm home from college. Went to Walmart today, saw these two guys, they look pretty built. I assumed they were a couple. I made some discreet glances. And they wouldn't have noticed, I never stared... long. Besides, I was shopping with my mom. lol

I must really be a dude, since I always talk about sex and porn on here. Speaking of porn, I hardly look at it much anymore, although lately, I seem to be picking it up again. I waste my days lately playing video games, as well as surfin' the net. I also seemed to be obsessed playing games on gsn.com, trying to collect enough points for prizes. I also seem to be falling into playing Grand Theft Auto games again; just III and Vice City though. In my opinion, those were the best ones. But I'm biased saying that because I'm too cheap to buy the newer ones. The latest one I own is San Andreas, but that map was just too big for me. Vice City's the best.

I don't think I ever said much about myself, not like this at least. But lately, I feel like I couldn't care less if someone connected this blog to me. I think it'd save me the time and effort of having to come out to someone. I think I'd rather come out when questioned. I don't need to tell anyone if they're not curious.

867-5309

One thing that I am very, very guilty of is that I never call to stay in touch with friends. Hell I never even send emails, post on their Facebook walls, or keep up with them using any sort of communication. If I see them in person, I'll usually say hi, unless of course I ignore them. Not because I intend to be rude or to snub them like that, but because I assume that my presence is not desired or they might think: "Who the hell is this guy saying hi to me?" "Do I know this person?" But even that's not an excuse. I should say hi regardless.

In the rare times that I do talk with friends online or over the phone, I actually enjoy it thoroughly. I tend to drag out a conversation if I get really into it. And I'd say it's because of my lack of having anyone to talk to is why I'd be so eager to keep a conversation. The weirdest thing for me about having conversations with people, is that I'm never one to ask questions. I don't know what to ask people, I'd rather they asked me questions. I like talking, I just don't know what to ask, because I'm afraid of over-stepping boundaries. I don't think there is such a thing as a bad question. However, there are just certain questions that people don't want to give answers to. Very personal questions are taboo, but what's ironic is that deep inside ourselves, I feel that we do want to give answers to those types of questions because we just want to be honest. But we evade them for fear of being rejected or of alienating other people away from us.

I don't know if there really is any question that I would not be willing to answer. Hell I don't know if anyone would want to bother asking me such questions because they would already know by then that I love, love, love to think and I sometimes give out answers in forms of speeches or long-drawn out essays. I like to put so much thought into my answers, I don't think anyone would want to hear it because they'd get lost, get bored, and it would hurt their fragile vegetable minds which never like to think of these things.

But I love insightful questions about a person's personality. What better and easier way to get to know someone? There's also the issue of overthinking an answer. Or like, you can give the same answer all the time, but the other person won't believe you until you give them the answer they want to hear.

Since when did standards on how to approach people and how to connect with them, exist? I laugh at the way of life we've created for ourselves. We create the illusion that we are happy, that we are close... But we may have more people and bigger cities, but that also means that there's more people with even lonelier hearts. I'm certain everyone has had those moments where they contemplate life, and how they think about their relationships with other people. I bet they feel that there's no validity to it, nothing of value, and that it's nothing more than a facade that was created to show a false sense of happiness. Empty relationships I say.

Sure, I do have friends, but most of them are more like mere acquaintances to me. Most of the relationships I have are like we'll just say hi whenever we pass by, or like we'll talk for a little while and then never do until like after days or weeks... or even months. And then we'll pick up with a casual conversation as if everything is the same. There are of course a few friends who are a little closer to me, and some who even have an inkling of understand how my mind works, and for those few, I am grateful. But even to them, they don't fully know me. Well actually, the only things my closest group of friends don't know is that I have a preference for men, and they don't know the radical ideas I have on how I think the world should work. But my ideals for the world is another story, for another time.

And then come my parents. You'd think I'd be closest to them... not necessarily. Let me give you a little background on my childhood:

I never really hung out with friends outside of school; I only met with them during school. Elementary school, I was a carefree child and I was very friendly. Then came middle school, and I began to realize the loneliness I had in my heart. I think middle school was the time when I realized that people could actually be mean. I remember crying a lot back then, for weird reasons I think. Maybe someone made fun of me for being weird, and it might've not been a very harsh comment, but a joking one for their own amusement. But I'm a very sensitive guy and still am to this day, so I take personal comments seriously. I can't remember. Middle school was such a blur for me, I can hardly remember it. I didn't stay at the same middle school from 6th to 8th grade though. I moved and changed schools while I was in 7th grade. I used to live in New Jersey, and for some reason, the middle school kids there were kinda mean, even the teachers. But then I moved to Florida, and the people here are kinda nicer for some reason. When I moved, I felt like I had a clean slate again, that I could strip away those bad vibes I had, and surely I did.

But after awhile, I was beginning to lose touch, again. Once again, I never really hung out with friends outside of school. I did make friends with kids who lived near me in Florida though, but even that was a bust eventually. What's sad is that the combination of having ultra-proctective parents and a society where the only way to get around is by car... well it's not the best combination for hanging out with friends.

There was this one time, where I saw I friend who I met my freshman year in high school. We talked for a bit, but then we talked about how our summers were so far. And I ended up breaking in tears because I told my friend how I never hang out with anyone and that I'm probably a bad friend because of that. Or maybe I cried because I was so lonely. But this friend, I never talk to her anymore, but she told me that it's okay and that I'm a great guy to be friends with. She even sent me an email saying the same thing. That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I don't remember the exact words, but that was the gist of it. I cried out of joy after hearing that. But then my mom saw me, and asked me why I was crying. She had a "concerned" look on her face, she clearly showed she cared about my feelings. But then I told her why, and I said it was because I felt lonely that I didn't have anyone to hang out with and that I was touched by the nice things my friend said about me.

You think she'd show some compassion and share the warm moment with me. The worst that could happen did happen... She got all mad at me for no reason, yelled at me even. She yelled: "You have a family that loves you, why should you feel lonely?!" I love my family, there's no question about it. But after that day, I really began to distance myself from my mom. She's much more insecure than me actually. She's the type of my who's very clingy to her children, doesn't even have much friends too. I'd say that was definitely a defining moment for me. It's one of the events that caused me to be the distant person I am today.

I don't know if I'm willing to put up with such "human" insecurity really. It's seems all too troublesome. I'd talk more about my family, but that's another story, for another time.

My Final Thought:

"Relationships should be easy. But is there any validity in saying that they're supposed to be complicated because we're 'human'? What is human? It's just a word. A relationship can be with anything that feels and thinks on its own. There will inevitably be some insecurity in any relationship, no matter what. But it's up to us to reach out to other people, even if it means putting ourselves in a vulnerable state, leaving ourselves open to rejection. I think it's safe to say that we've all given ourselves this similar piece of advice, but it is perhaps the most hardest to act on. But let's face it: If you never give a chance, then you'll never know what could've been. Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other."

Audience: (cheers) "JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!"

I Don't Give People A Chance

I don't think I do. I mean usually I don't give a fuck about people, I just let them be. It's not that I don't hate them or that I don't love them, I just want them to be themselves as much as I want to be me. But what I mean to say is I don't think I give people a chance to try to understand me. And the reason I don't give people a chance to do that is because I believe that such a task would be too hard for them and they probably wouldn't want to try. I think they'd quit out of frustration after trying. But it's self-defeating really. Hell... everytime someone tries to give me advice, there's a good chance I know what they're gonna say:

-I'm too pessimistic
-I think too much
-I worry too much
-I don't make any sense
-What's there to understand

And usually what happens afterwards, I contemplate what they've said to me. Next, I end up thinking about how I'm wrong or what I should change about myself. But as always, I go back to thinking: "I'm perfectly fine the way I am. They're just trying to trick me into thinking differently about myself when I'm the only one who's knows myself best."

It's my own fault for self-stigmatizing myself as being pessimistic. But even if I am pessimistic, I don't feel that depressed at all. I feel better after ranting on I don't know what. If I let anything out, I feel good afterwards. Crying. It's like expelling sadness and stress from the body so that it can function for happiness once more.

But the real question is: "If I feel content with myself, then why the hell am I writing this anyway?" Because I feel like it, and I need some place to rant.

Just recently, a friend of mine on Facebook (which I don't feel close to anyone really, not even my own family) said to me that he think I have a personality disorder. What do I have to say to that? In terms of evaluating me based on society's standards, I fully fucking agree. But my opinion of myself? Part of me agrees, although deep down, I feel normal to myself. He said I should get counseling. And I'll do, hell why not? I like to take life as it comes, and usually it does turn out fine. Usually in anything I do, I at least recognize one thing I may have earned/learned from the experience, even if it was a bad one. Even in losing, there's always something to be gained... sometimes.

But you know, everytime someone talks to me about my 'flaws', I do listen. But in such an argument, it really only serves to feed my ego in the long-run. When it comes to giving honest opinions to other people about what I think about them, I don't expect them to believe what I say. For all I know, I could be completely wrong about a person. I never really say much about other people, because quite frankly, no one ever really says much about me. Do I want to hear other people's opinions about me? Sometimes, but usually I don't care.

I wonder how many people who know me in person take my apathy as being a bad thing. I don't intend it to be a bad thing actually; my real intent is to just be carefree about everything and to just accept things at face-value. Say what you mean and show it.

It's also obvious that as I'm saying all this, that's I'm implying that I'm in the minority somehow. That no one understands me and all that "boo-frickity-hoo" bullshit. But I want to make a point about that idea actually...

A member of the majority, someone who is in the "In" group, would have no reason to defend their lifestyle nor their personality because they are deemed by society as being "normal". It's very hard for a member of the "In" group and for a member of the "Out" group to understand each other, because figuratively speaking: they live in separate worlds.

Everytime I rant like this, how I put up a show about how life's not fair for me... actually, I think life has been very kind to me actually. But my point is, I don't think I'm pessimistic. Pessimism to me is just a word. We assign words for everything because it makes the universe around us easier to understand, but then we create such a polarized system of morals. Everything can only be good or bad, and for some things, we don't like having anything inbetween. I don't know why, most people just accept the labels without really question why they're labeled so. I think the biggest reason why I intentionally make it look like I'm pessimistic is to just confirm people's suspicions about me. Everyone does it, we all make assumptions about what other people think of us even though we really don't know how they perceive us. And of course, I go about it the wrong way. Not everyone thinks I'm negative, most of my friends who are somewhat close to me understand me to an extent, or may even find me insightful. I never intended to be negative.

My problem is that I find hope in the weirdest and probably in the wrong places. I enjoy reading or watching something tragic from time to time, partly because it makes me appreciate everything I have at the moment. I also like negative emotions, sadness even. I like it best when it's sincere, because if I see a character in a movie or book, I feel I can actually relate to that feeling. I just find a sort of grotesque beauty about it. But if it's like a sappy drama, I'll totally hate it.

And now I've lost my train of thought, as always. Anyways, what I really want is for everyone to just shut up and listen, to just take everyone's word and to accept it as question. I don't hide anything about myself (most things), I just shut up about it to certain people so I can save myself for the trouble of falling into a pointless argument with another person who's just too closed off to even try to understand my feelings. When it comes to dealing with people, I usually take a defensive stance when approaching them, hardly ever an offensive one. If I don't want anyone getting in my face telling me who I am and who I should be, then I wouldn't do the same to other people.

I shall leave you all with a quote from one of my heroes, Daria Morgendorffer:

"I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else."