"Ever since I was little, I've been waiting for a friend like you..."

Throughout most of my life, I had always felt alone, even though I'm never alone physically. In elementary school when I first started, I was always eager to meet new friends. But over time, I lost enthusiasm. I never met or played with other kids except at school. I was always a stay at home child. Staying at home, I kept myself occupied by watching tv, playing video games, or playing with whatever toys I had. Ever since then, I've grown accustomed to living a sort of solitary lifestyle, with the exception of my family being around of course.

There were times when I would feel depressed about being alone. Likewise, there were times when I cherished my loneliness. There are certain video games, anime, and cartoons I have a fond attachment to. One category that sticks out to me are the ones that involve a loner protagonist; a protagonist who starts out as being a loner but by luck, they meet a lifelong friend, someone who they can have fun with. Not necessarily love, but more of a close-knit friendship. Playing video games and watching anime involving such plot lines made me yearn for such a friendship.

I have plenty of friends. However, in a setting where I'm with a group of friends, usually I feel like I belong. But then there are times when I feel out of place. I feel out of place because I feel I can't relate to my friends sometimes, or I feel like they don't understand me. I have good friends, but none of the relationships I have with them, I feel, have no intimacy or deep connection. And I'm talking about the kind of friendship where a strong bond is present and you understand each other completely. It doesn't have to be "monogamous" love necessarily. It's possible to be intimate with someone without loving them romantically or desiring them sexually.

Many Sonic fans hate Chris Thorndyke (from the Sonic X anime) because they felt he was a redundant, overbearing character; yet I understand Chris completely. Sure, Chris is a bit of a "Gary Stu", too perfect in character, morals, hardly any flaws in his personality. He's the richest kid in the world, yet he's humble about his rich background and hardly flaunts it (one of the things that viewers hardly believe and criticize about). The second part about him is that he becomes easily attached to Sonic. At the end of the second season, time in both Chris's and Sonic's world would stop unless Sonic and his friends returned to their world (which would fix the time rip between their worlds). And of course, Chris couldn't bear having Sonic leave him. So then ran away together.

It's implied that Chris probably didn't get any friends his own age either because his background alienated other kids, or other kids probably would've taken advantage of him. And it's made very clear that one of the things he wanted most, other than a friend, was to be with his parents. But they have to work, they're the richest people in their world apparently. In the end, Sonic and Chris did part ways, but their friendship stayed intact. There really isn't any finality to it until the 3rd and last season of the series. In the 3rd season, Chris goes to Sonic's world. In the last episode, he has to decide if he wants to stay or go back home. And there's no way for him to travel between the worlds through "chaos control" since the alignment between their dimensions/worlds was about to disconnect and it's unknown when they'll connect again (or if they ever will). And Chris does end up going home.

It's confusing. Children adore their parents at an early age (usually). But over time, a child and parent relationship becomes more distant as time passes. Either because the parent can't be there because of work (usually work) or because the child wants something more (friends). Probably both I think. I've always wanted a magical type of friendship, yet I wonder if it's comparable to infatuation in a relationship? It's possible for interest to die out in a friendship or any relationship really, and that's one of the things that stops me from getting to close to people sometimes. But I keep forgetting it's what you put into things that affect how things turn out most of the time.

I'm a living paradox. I don't want to be alone, yet I like being alone. Go figure. lol

I also remember watching the 3rd season of Digimon: "Digimon Tamers". In that season, they introduced a new type of evolution: "Biomerge Digivolution", which allowed a tamer and their digimon to digivolve together into one new digimon. That concept alone I've always found intriguing. It's a symbol of the connection between two people, but actually in physically form. Is it possible to be completely connected to someone close to you? I don't know. Perhaps it's just one of those things that don't need explanation and you just need to let happen.

But for now, I'll keep wishing (and searching with little effort) for more friends across the horizon.

Brotherband and Bad News

Lately I've been getting emails from guys who are in the same boat as me... keep it coming! There's nothing that I enjoy more than an exchange of life stories and helping one another cope with life. Heh heh, I need to play more of Megaman Starforce 2: Zerker x Ninja. Anyone else here plays Starforce? I only have the 2nd one. I'd be happy to form a Brotherband with anyone of you. Although I'm pissed how there's only 6 slots available. Lame...

Recently, I noticed SoupGoblin's blog is under review for possible violations of blogger.com's terms of service. NOOOOOOOO!!! So let's all hope they don't delete a treasured bara blog, because the world can always have more bara!

The Mask

I will admit, I am a phony, but only in the sense that I do not display my true feelings to others about what is on my mind. I don't hold any critical secrets. The only secrets I have are my ambiguity on my sexuality and my thoughts about the world. The world; Throughout my life so far I had made many observations on it as well as ideas of what it could be.

The world as I see today is a place where there really is no absolute "freedom of expression". Even though we do have the will power to do as we please, we repress our desires. We hold back in fear of rejection, alienation, or perhaps even an inability to survive. The survival part I'd say would apply to people who depend on others for their daily needs (such as myself, I still live with my parents). And I also depend on the "companionship" of others, even though I find myself alone most of the time (which I like actually). In the world as it is today, it just doesn't seem practical to just be completely honest about who you are. The way how I see it, we all inevitably wear different masks for the different kinds of people we interact with. We do it to avoid being weirded out, to avoid unwanted attention, avoid rejection, avoid offending other people for our differences to their personality and beliefs. I can't say it applies to everyone, but for the most part, probably the majority of us.

In my ideal world, no living creature with a free will to think and act on its own would have to hide outlandish things about themselves; they wouldn't have to be afraid to reveal their true feelings either. But most of my friends whom I've talked this over with said it would just lead the world to anarchy and no one would get along. But seriously, we don't seem to be getting along anyways just trying to look like we're being decent about ourselves and looking all tolerant of each other, when really we're not.

I just wish we could just live in a world where we don't necessarily have to like each other's differences, but we could at least just accept the fact that we're different. And yes, I'm sure disagreements and heated arguments are inevitable, but I just want to believe that we all can get over that and just move on.

It's easy to just blame the world for the world's problems, but the other cause of the problem is the individual. In my case, I refrain from being too honest about myself. I'm quite honest about most of my feelings, but not everything. If I can't even be completely honest, then the ideal world I desire for will never exist.

The funny thing is, most of my deep thoughts come out in the form of blogging, quite sad really. I only blog whenever something is picking at my mind or when I have something I want to say but can never get the courage to say it to anyone. I've already established blogs on other social networking sites where my identity is revealed, and I have this one too. Not that it bothers me too much, but I wonder when this hidden identity thing will start eating at me. I try to push the envelope in my real blogs, but never too much. And here, everything is "no holds barred".

It's pretty obvious that I'm making a simple matter harder than it's supposed to be, but it's the only way I can think of at the moment. Who knows? Perhaps one day, I give a less of a shit about my perceived image by others and I'll really say what I want, lol. That's what has happened to me throughout the years. Every year, I care less about what people think of me. Perhaps the thing I worry about the most is my own survival. I don't have the means to support myself yet, so for now I depend on people such as my parents, to help me out. But when I start living on my own, shit wouldn't even matter anymore, I think. Socially, I've lived a rather solitary life. Most of my life I've spent my time doing things alone: playing video games, watching tv, randomly losing myself in thought. I stayed home a lot throughout most of my childhood too and I'm pretty sure I've thought about a lot of things way more than most children would. Actually, a lot of that thinking was daydreaming about what I thought life should be, lol.

One day, perhaps. One day...

Trojans

There seems to be a lot of trojans on anonib lately... guess I'll stay away for awhile. Nothing new or good gets posted lately on there. Guess I'll just stick to blogs and y-gal for awhile.

Which has more heart? Brains or Muscles?

I believe it's easily assumed that everyone would say that it's personality that counts more than looks, although deep down inside people do care about looks but logically they know it's the personality that counts.

The thing I'll be ranting about the most on this post are stereotypes, mainly the nerd jock stereotypes.

Nerds. I'm a nerd, but I don't fit the stereotype completely I think. I'm smart, but rarely do I ever apply my full potential. I'm a slacker at heart. But the perfect nerd is one who has the pocket-protectors, the glasses, the body-stick frame, a high IQ (sometimes), and a way of approaching people that comes across as awkward. The jock. The perfect jock is the sports buff, the popular guy, the one who gets the girls, the one with the good looks, the machismo, but lacks brains, is a complete dope, and is a bully to nerds (sometimes).

But nowadays, high school stereotypes aren't as extreme. At the high school I went to, everyone was pretty chill, didn't give a shit about anyone, just sort of segregated themselves into their own cliques or circle of friends and that was all that mattered. And then there's the nerd-jock or whatever you want to call it. I happen to be friends with a few, and they're pretty nice guys. They're normal human beings that just happen to be well-rounded (since fucking colleges make it an unofficial requirement for admissions, lol.)

Even though I am a nerd, I still care about my looks, hell everyone does. If you can't admit to your own vanity, you're lying, or so that's what I think. A few days ago I was just randomly searching on Google. As I've said in my recent posts, I have a burning desire to get ripped (and who the hell doesn't?) So I look up things like "bodybuilding nerds" or "nerds with muscle" and I come across threads posting the question "Who makes a better lover? A nerd or a jock?" or something similar to it. And of course, the expected answer is the nerd who makes the better lover. Most of the answers had something like "They work hard, their attention is focused directly on you, they're kinky during sex (must be all that hentai, lol.)" and etc., etc. And then the responses for jocks or muscleheads were like "They treat women like pieces of meat, they're too obsessed with themselves" and so on. These were women answering the question btw.

The thing that bugs me the most about the answers to the questions are the hidden assumptions made. While I think it's great that most people, I hope, look for personality (then again I think people are still shallow), I sensed a sort of prejudice towards guys who were buff or too muscular for most people. People tend to see them as dumb, narcissistic, and insensitive. I find that unfair. Okay, so a guy cares about how he looks? Is that really a problem? They do something about it. And then there's the easy way out that people always like to use by saying "Oh that guy's on steroids". I find it wrong for anyone to stoop down so low to say that just because a guy cares about his body. Sure, there are guys who are gym rats and are just full of themselves. But that isn't to say that all guys who are buff have no personality. It's as if the nerd and the jock just completely switched places, wtf dude? lol. I guess I can also say it's the same for girls too, same for anyone really.

I can't help but wonder why a person would say that. Past experience? Insecure about one's manhood maybe? Jealousy? I'd like to think the last two are the most likely reasons.

It's widely assumed that it's bad to be shallow, but I think it's just human nature to be at least somewhat shallow. Aside from feeling good about yourself wouldn't you also want to look good? Overall, it's always going to be inner beauty that counts the most. But wouldn't it be great to show that inner beauty on the outside too?

Just a random thought.

Dwarven Vow #7: "Justice and Love will always win."

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Hopes and Fears

Recently, I had gotten an email from someone who had looked at my blog. He said my relationships with my family and my friends are dishonest, and I actually agree with that unfortunately.

I think a lot, almost always more than I'm supposed to. Sometimes I think of possible worst case scenarios, and the more I think of it, the more fear overtakes me. But when it comes to my "gayness", I rarely think much of it at all. I'm fully aware of the fact that no one really knows, except for one person actually (who isn't close to me at all). I don't think I'm worried at all if I lose anyone. For years, I have felt such loneliness, even though I am surround by a loving family and great friends. This loneliness, it comes from my yearning for true love, someone who will accept me as a whole. I had never looked at myself being closeted as being deceiving, until now. However, I don't think I want to think about that right now. I can't let another thing eat at me. I have other things much important to worry about. First thing being college and then getting a job. My plan is to get settled first and then let out my secret after.

As I said, I'm not afraid of being alone. What I'm more afraid of? Death. Defeat. Poverty. Right now, I don't think I can survive on my own. I am dependent on my parents to help me get through college (with the help of scholarships! Hurray!). It's quite selfish of me to do that to my parents, but actually, they won't even let me date right now (not that I had any motivation to begin with). As much as I would love to find true love right now, I actually do agree with my parents that my future comes first. My parents led poor lives I guess, and they just don't want me to go the same path. And they really do want what's best for me. I just don't know what they would do if they found out if I was gay. Personally, I can wait and find out later. It would probably be the hardest on my mother since she wants me to have children of my own.

Children. The seeds of our future who sprout unwillingly. They don't decide whether they want to be born or not. Birth is such a great gift but also a burden to children who end up having horrible childhoods or have a future that is bleak because of their family history, their race, etc. I would think that all parents would want their children to be happy. Isn't that what giving life should be? To give joy and hope for a newborn child? But some parents see their children as property, a jewel of some sort, to show off to other parents about what great parents they are (though they aren't). I believe every parent carries such an ego, it can't be helped, even my parents too. It's not bad, but it gets worse when parents become competitive and force their children to do things they have no interest in doing.

I don't want to have children, not because I don't like them, but because I fear of the possible evils I may do to a child. I fear that I may become the stereotypical parent that I hate the most: one who chooses the fate of a child rather than a child creating their own destiny. I'd also say I'd fear that I wouldn't be able to take care of a child, but I don't think I would do that bad. And perhaps my existence as a gay man could make a child's life difficult. My primary reason for not having children is that I get the feeling that my parents want me to owe them something. A good retirement? Grandkids? I don't know. It's that feeling of expecting returns of their part that makes me averse to wanting kids of my own. Why should a child give back? While I do believe they should, I don't think they should be required. It should be a parent's job to make sure their raise their child right. I hate parents who think highly of themselves and brag to other parents, "Oh, my child's not like that, because I raised them right." SO WHAT?!!! Dammit! That's your fucking job you idiot! I think it's okay to be proud, being a good parent, but seriously, that's what you're supposed to fucking do. I don't think any parent is worthy of their children really, because children don't decide to be born, we do. I sometimes wonder why adults, who live in poverty, who already have trouble surviving on their own, decide to have children anyways. I guess it's a willingness to give life, unless of course if it was an unexpected pregnancy due to lack of a condom (or a broken one) or rape. Perhaps that is why my parents conceived me, to give a better life to someone after them.

I really look down on parents who constantly have sex, have more children, but in the end suck as parents. I don't understand why some adults do that. They have children they don't even want or care about. It's a perversion to the process of birth itself.

Aside from the fact that I am physically attracted to guys, this just so happens to be another reason why I'm gay. I'm still a virgin, but I know that once I do start having sex, I'd probably be a horndog, hungering for more. And being gay, I wouldn't have to worry about accidentally having a child (as selfish as that sounds). But why would I give life to something I didn't want to have? The way how I see the world, I think there are probably a lot of orphaned children. This is another reason to my aversion of having children of my own blood. Why should I have children of my own, when there are clearly many more that are in desperate need of parents? If I wanted I child, I could adopt (although being gay, I don't think they allow gay adoption in Florida, FML). My parents have been so kind to me. They usually give me what I want, even though I don't ask for much, and I think they love me unconditionally (I hope, guess I'll find out whenever I drop the bomb on them).

The sad part is that back then, I didn't really want to continue my family name. But now, I actually do have a desire to create life.

I guess in a perfect life, I would be in a romantic, loving relationship with a gay lover and I'd have a close female friend who was willing to conceive a child for me. Although I know that would be very awkward for the child. To have 2 gay fathers, and a mother who isn't romantically involved with me. It's always that fear that my own existence alone, could make a child's life unbearable.