I Don't Give People A Chance

I don't think I do. I mean usually I don't give a fuck about people, I just let them be. It's not that I don't hate them or that I don't love them, I just want them to be themselves as much as I want to be me. But what I mean to say is I don't think I give people a chance to try to understand me. And the reason I don't give people a chance to do that is because I believe that such a task would be too hard for them and they probably wouldn't want to try. I think they'd quit out of frustration after trying. But it's self-defeating really. Hell... everytime someone tries to give me advice, there's a good chance I know what they're gonna say:

-I'm too pessimistic
-I think too much
-I worry too much
-I don't make any sense
-What's there to understand

And usually what happens afterwards, I contemplate what they've said to me. Next, I end up thinking about how I'm wrong or what I should change about myself. But as always, I go back to thinking: "I'm perfectly fine the way I am. They're just trying to trick me into thinking differently about myself when I'm the only one who's knows myself best."

It's my own fault for self-stigmatizing myself as being pessimistic. But even if I am pessimistic, I don't feel that depressed at all. I feel better after ranting on I don't know what. If I let anything out, I feel good afterwards. Crying. It's like expelling sadness and stress from the body so that it can function for happiness once more.

But the real question is: "If I feel content with myself, then why the hell am I writing this anyway?" Because I feel like it, and I need some place to rant.

Just recently, a friend of mine on Facebook (which I don't feel close to anyone really, not even my own family) said to me that he think I have a personality disorder. What do I have to say to that? In terms of evaluating me based on society's standards, I fully fucking agree. But my opinion of myself? Part of me agrees, although deep down, I feel normal to myself. He said I should get counseling. And I'll do, hell why not? I like to take life as it comes, and usually it does turn out fine. Usually in anything I do, I at least recognize one thing I may have earned/learned from the experience, even if it was a bad one. Even in losing, there's always something to be gained... sometimes.

But you know, everytime someone talks to me about my 'flaws', I do listen. But in such an argument, it really only serves to feed my ego in the long-run. When it comes to giving honest opinions to other people about what I think about them, I don't expect them to believe what I say. For all I know, I could be completely wrong about a person. I never really say much about other people, because quite frankly, no one ever really says much about me. Do I want to hear other people's opinions about me? Sometimes, but usually I don't care.

I wonder how many people who know me in person take my apathy as being a bad thing. I don't intend it to be a bad thing actually; my real intent is to just be carefree about everything and to just accept things at face-value. Say what you mean and show it.

It's also obvious that as I'm saying all this, that's I'm implying that I'm in the minority somehow. That no one understands me and all that "boo-frickity-hoo" bullshit. But I want to make a point about that idea actually...

A member of the majority, someone who is in the "In" group, would have no reason to defend their lifestyle nor their personality because they are deemed by society as being "normal". It's very hard for a member of the "In" group and for a member of the "Out" group to understand each other, because figuratively speaking: they live in separate worlds.

Everytime I rant like this, how I put up a show about how life's not fair for me... actually, I think life has been very kind to me actually. But my point is, I don't think I'm pessimistic. Pessimism to me is just a word. We assign words for everything because it makes the universe around us easier to understand, but then we create such a polarized system of morals. Everything can only be good or bad, and for some things, we don't like having anything inbetween. I don't know why, most people just accept the labels without really question why they're labeled so. I think the biggest reason why I intentionally make it look like I'm pessimistic is to just confirm people's suspicions about me. Everyone does it, we all make assumptions about what other people think of us even though we really don't know how they perceive us. And of course, I go about it the wrong way. Not everyone thinks I'm negative, most of my friends who are somewhat close to me understand me to an extent, or may even find me insightful. I never intended to be negative.

My problem is that I find hope in the weirdest and probably in the wrong places. I enjoy reading or watching something tragic from time to time, partly because it makes me appreciate everything I have at the moment. I also like negative emotions, sadness even. I like it best when it's sincere, because if I see a character in a movie or book, I feel I can actually relate to that feeling. I just find a sort of grotesque beauty about it. But if it's like a sappy drama, I'll totally hate it.

And now I've lost my train of thought, as always. Anyways, what I really want is for everyone to just shut up and listen, to just take everyone's word and to accept it as question. I don't hide anything about myself (most things), I just shut up about it to certain people so I can save myself for the trouble of falling into a pointless argument with another person who's just too closed off to even try to understand my feelings. When it comes to dealing with people, I usually take a defensive stance when approaching them, hardly ever an offensive one. If I don't want anyone getting in my face telling me who I am and who I should be, then I wouldn't do the same to other people.

I shall leave you all with a quote from one of my heroes, Daria Morgendorffer:

"I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else."

Lost For Words

Don't you just hate it when you want to get something off your mind, but then you stop yourself from saying it for fear of having your own words used against you? Or actually, I just never blog as much as I used to because I want to say so much, yet midway, I look at what I've typed so far and I usually say to myself: "Oh, that's not right, better fix that." or "That sounds stupid, I better take that off." Or I just lose my train of thought and I get lazy and I don't feel like finishing.

Everytime I censor myself, even here of all places where I choose to be anonymous, I feel like I'm destroying a part of myself, or I feel I'm just building up the tension within me and I'm just gonna explode one day... well not really.

Even as I'm making this now, I'm constantly thinking about how I'm gonna say it, and then I overthink it. Oh fuck it, I'll just write as I think even if it doesn't make sense, and even if there are errors. Let the rants begin.

No Strings Attached

I can think I'm a good person, other people can think the same way of me as well. But the fact of the matter is, I'm still an asshole. I'm an asshole in the sense that in the end, I'm really a terrible friend. I think too much about my relationships with people. I let distance keep me away from talking to them over the phone or online. I assume that no one understands me, so I don't bother getting close to anyone. I give out mixed messages. First I'm really excited about meeting someone new, then I avoid them once I feel just only one instance of awkwardness where I feel that I'm just not compatible with someone. Sometimes I assume that I'm just too different for that person. Other times, I avoid people because I get the feeling they don't accept my personality.

When it comes to my anonymous friends online (you know who you are), I'm an asshole to them as well (except for one I think). It's like I want to find other people like myself, and sometimes I search for potential lovers. But in the end, I just chicken out when opportunity knocks. Or I just stop talking to them because I'm too lazy to talk to them (and I use work as an excuse, which is the worst I can do) or when I feel that the other person doesn't understand me anymore, I quit.

That's all I am really: a quitter. I don't seem to give people a chance at all. Or better yet, I just don't give myself a chance to be open. I've been alone for so long, it's the only goddamn feeling I know. I really could come out about my sexuality, my beliefs and thoughts on life, at anytime. The only thing stopping me?: Fear. Fear of my parents mostly. Even if I came up with a contingency plan if my parents abandoned me, I'd still be too afraid to make a move I think. My love for my parents is genuine, I do want to make them happy, and I knowingly do it at the cost of hurting myself. My love for them is out of a sincere love, but as well as a love out of fear. It's more along the lines that I fear hurting them more than I am afraid of them myself.

It's funny really; I don't want to hurt people, not because I know it's bad, but I do it for the most selfish reason of all... because I don't want to have a guilty conscience. Sure, sounds like a pretty self-less thing to do, but my motivation is based on selfishness. I always do feel truly ashamed of myself when I hurt someone else emotionally for being stupid, but sometimes I wonder if I really do care about other people's feelings, or if I just apologize or make nice just to save my own conscience.

Doesn't help with the fact that I'm a big pessimist and I see most of my actions as selfish-oriented. lol

I am a living paradox. I try to reach out to the world, to find some lost souls who can understand me. But I'm never willing to try to open everything about myself to other people, for now that is. So if you think what I post on here is similar to how you feel, great. If you think I'm an okay person based on what you've read: cool. But I give you fair warning: I'm a terrible friend. Don't bother trying to message me if you know you don't want to get hurt or get left in the dust because of my negligence (unless of course you really want to try on me, no matter how much time you may waste).

What's even more ironic is how I'm comfortable being alone, but once in awhile, I need someone to talk to otherwise I'll lose my fucking mind. Just goes to show you how selfish I really am...

Dreams Dreams

Every night before I go to bed, I wish for a dream. I wish to escape to a dream world: a place where amazing people and wonderful things exist. Even if it is only a dream, I want a place to escape; a place way different from the life I live called "reality". The most pathetic thing of all?: That I'm not willing to try to make my own life exciting if I'm really that bored. But still, every night is always the same. Get in bed, have a moment to myself, then slowly drift away to sleep. My slumber feels as if I've only slept for a few minutes. But those few minutes were actually hours. It's as if in reality, I really am still dreaming. I never find a place to escape to in my dreams. So in my imagination, my daydreams, I think of places to go to. In a way, it makes up for my lack of dreams in my sleep. But my imagination, it is not enough. In reality, I wait. I don't know what I wait for. I just hope that one day...

it will come.

Days That Are Forever Blue

You know, I have quite a few drafts now, none of which I have ever finished. I never finish my thoughts because I have other important things I need to do, or I just lost my train of thought at the time and I just lose all my motivation to finish. I never finish because I have a need to want to make every post perfect, laying everything out... but with that kind of attitude, I'll never get anything finished.

A lot of things can change in such little time. A few months ago I'd always be wasting time looking up porn, and I'd never get any work done because I was too lazy or I kept thinking about how much work that needed to get done, that I wasted more time worrying about it than doing anything about it. But this time, I've decided to just move on and just get as much shit done as possible. I've come to the conclusion that finishing everything ranks up with one of those really hard things to do.

I realize now that I would never do any work because I was preoccupied about other thoughts. I'd always keep thinking about how I don't really have a direction in life, or how I don't feel close to anyone at all. Loneliness was definitely one of the things that ate at me the most. But with all that time thinking alone, I just relearned something and believe in it more than I ever have...

I don't think I really care anymore if I am alone for the rest of my life. I've become quite content with it actually. While it is painful to feel, at the same time I feel a sort of solace or comfort in it. I don't know if I can describe it well, but it's like a heartache. It's kind of painful at first, but after awhile, you get used to it, and you feel as if you're more aware of your own existence; you feel as if you're whole. Sometimes I pretend that my subconcious-self, the part of myself that dreams, is a separate entity, and I feel as if I'm two people instead of one. I label it as my darkside, not necessarily evil, but more like my true self, maybe my true self, but definitely parts of myself I never really share. And this darkness, I personify it as fate, but more like a bully/friend who pushes me to keep me moving forward. No matter if it's into a fortunate situation or an unfortunate one, all of it is meant to allow me to grow as a person.

I think most people would say I'm crazy for thinking I'm two people instead of one, but it's just something I do to keep myself from being bored, or to stay sane probably.

There's nothing I want more than to connect with other people, but I keep debating about its worth in the end. I sometimes wonder what is the point of it all, if we're to face rejection, to become dependent on others when we're just as fine being independent, and if we're fated to say goodbye one day? And by dependency, I mean in terms of emotional needs: having someone listen to your problems, which could be solved or may never be solved because it's something you have to get over yourself. I also fear losing someone and not knowing how to live after being with them for so long.

There have been nights where I listen to love and breakup songs before going to bed. I cry, but after I'm done, I feel good afterwards. Hell, I actually enjoying crying and feeling sad, as weird as that sounds. It doesn't depress me, no. On the contrary, I'm quite happy afterwards, or at most: content.

When I was younger (and even now), I would always try to justify the darkness, or dark feelings; that we needed them and they're not as bad as we make them out to be. Everyone always wants to run after the light, running away from darkness. Why should the darkness be something I should fear when I can embrace instead? There seems to be a lot of it in the world, may as well put it to good use. Being the hopeless romantic I am, I see dark things as secretly wanting to be loved. It's like some girls that always fall for the bad boys, the tough guys that will probably treat them bad in the end. Perhaps they hoped they could find something to love about them, or they were just plain stupid.

But that brings another question: Do I only love the darkness because of the idea of what it could be? What I want it to be? I guess it all just boils down to wanting to change something in order to make it fit. It's really hard to love unconditionally, but perhaps I'm just overthinking things again, like always. I really don't give a shit about what people do with their lives or how they act. So if I'm content with the way people are, I guess I love them unconditionally? I don't know.

Most people would say I'm depressed, and that I'm depressing to others when I talk about things like these. I learned since last year that no one really wants to talk about depressing things. But things such as loneliness doesn't feel depressing to me at all; it's something I've learned to live with. It's one thing to know how you feel, it's another to be told by others what it is you're feeling, implying that you don't know yourself.

So, I live the rest of my days waiting to see if someone will come along that will understand me, but for now, I'll be fine walking alone.

"Keep Your Friends Close, But Keep Your Enemies Closer."

Personally, I don't have any physical enemies. I'm usually reserved and I'm not one to instigate. However, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I never had an enemy: someone to argue against, fight against, someone who be the target of my anger and hatred, which would motivate me to better myself in order to outdo the other. And yet I wonder if there's a possibility of sharing mutual feelings with an enemy. I think if I did have an enemy, and I constantly bickered with him, I would probably get used to it and accept it as part of my daily life. But what if one day he just disappeared, and I never saw him again? It would probably be a bittersweet moment. At first, I'd feel relieved, thinking that I wouldn't have to put up with his shit anymore. But inside, I'd have this empty feeling, as if I lost something. Usually, I have a tendency to judge myself harshly. When I say something mean to someone, I will feel good about it at first, but at some point I'll feel guilty. I'll even have an urge to want to apologize for whatever wrongs I may have committed. But what usually happens is that I just let the guilt stay inside me because I feel I'm not worthy enough for that person to accept my apology. Hell, I'm probably overly-sentimental when it comes to those types of situations. What most people see as insignificant, I turn it into a bigger issue than it has to be.

There are a few fantasies that I play out in my head sometimes:

-A meek (probably nerdy) student constantly getting picked on by the school bully, but eventually they become friends
-Two soldiers of opposing, warring countries all alone on the battlefield, just the two of them. Eventually one overtakes the other and keeps the loser as prisoner. They'll exchange in conversation during their time together, but still show the same antagonisms they displayed towards each other when the first battled, yet consciously they note each other's similarities and differences and keep in mind that they're really not that different at all. Soon, the winner goes back to his home country and takes his prisoner with him. When he presents the prisoner to his government, it's decided he's to be executed. He lets his prisoner get taken away without opposition and they part their ways. BUT THEN! He grabs his prisoner friend and motions the lead for them to run away together... as a sort of "Ico x Yorda" pair. And they may escape successfully or die together, etc. I don't want to make an ending for this fantasy.
-A guy goes to prison for the first time and meets his new inmate. His inmate is everything you'd expect out of the typical prisoner: packed with muscle, aggressive, but overall keeps his feelings, personality, and past history a mystery. He may make the new guy his sex slave, depends. But say this new guy was like me and he truly wanted to knew his cellmate better. He would be open to his detached inmate, while his inmate constantly bashes him for acting womanly or too kind. But eventually, the new guy breaks through to him, and they start to share each other's life story. And of course, they become intimate lovers and make love every night in their happy cell.
-A guy one day encounters a winged, dragon-like, humanish type of demon. At first sight, the guy is scared, but at the same time in awe of the demon's appearance. The demon has a hunger to kill, so he tries to kill the guy. The guy braces himself for death and looks at the demon with pleading, but accepting eyes, and then closes them at the last second. Yet for some reason, the demon hesitates in trying to kill the guy. "What makes this guy different from all the others he asks himself?" So the demon runs away. And then the demon tries again and again to try to kill this guy, but he can't. So they guy approaches the demon one day and tries to communicate with him. And of course I want it to be another typical friends to lovers type of relationship. I bet y'all have me figured out now, doncha? lol.

I don't know why, but I have a burning desire to want to fall in love with a tough guy. Tough guys, I feel, secretly desire to find someone they trust. I'd like to assume that everyone wants a chance to just be human. I find villians and anti-heroes to be appealing to me. I want to bring out the sincere feelings they lock inside their hearts, and I want to make that particular tough guy's heart stronger. But I feel that fantasy is rather selfish on my part. Would I really be in love with such a person? Or am I only in love with the thought of the possibility of what that person could be?

"Ever since I was little, I've been waiting for a friend like you..."

Throughout most of my life, I had always felt alone, even though I'm never alone physically. In elementary school when I first started, I was always eager to meet new friends. But over time, I lost enthusiasm. I never met or played with other kids except at school. I was always a stay at home child. Staying at home, I kept myself occupied by watching tv, playing video games, or playing with whatever toys I had. Ever since then, I've grown accustomed to living a sort of solitary lifestyle, with the exception of my family being around of course.

There were times when I would feel depressed about being alone. Likewise, there were times when I cherished my loneliness. There are certain video games, anime, and cartoons I have a fond attachment to. One category that sticks out to me are the ones that involve a loner protagonist; a protagonist who starts out as being a loner but by luck, they meet a lifelong friend, someone who they can have fun with. Not necessarily love, but more of a close-knit friendship. Playing video games and watching anime involving such plot lines made me yearn for such a friendship.

I have plenty of friends. However, in a setting where I'm with a group of friends, usually I feel like I belong. But then there are times when I feel out of place. I feel out of place because I feel I can't relate to my friends sometimes, or I feel like they don't understand me. I have good friends, but none of the relationships I have with them, I feel, have no intimacy or deep connection. And I'm talking about the kind of friendship where a strong bond is present and you understand each other completely. It doesn't have to be "monogamous" love necessarily. It's possible to be intimate with someone without loving them romantically or desiring them sexually.

Many Sonic fans hate Chris Thorndyke (from the Sonic X anime) because they felt he was a redundant, overbearing character; yet I understand Chris completely. Sure, Chris is a bit of a "Gary Stu", too perfect in character, morals, hardly any flaws in his personality. He's the richest kid in the world, yet he's humble about his rich background and hardly flaunts it (one of the things that viewers hardly believe and criticize about). The second part about him is that he becomes easily attached to Sonic. At the end of the second season, time in both Chris's and Sonic's world would stop unless Sonic and his friends returned to their world (which would fix the time rip between their worlds). And of course, Chris couldn't bear having Sonic leave him. So then ran away together.

It's implied that Chris probably didn't get any friends his own age either because his background alienated other kids, or other kids probably would've taken advantage of him. And it's made very clear that one of the things he wanted most, other than a friend, was to be with his parents. But they have to work, they're the richest people in their world apparently. In the end, Sonic and Chris did part ways, but their friendship stayed intact. There really isn't any finality to it until the 3rd and last season of the series. In the 3rd season, Chris goes to Sonic's world. In the last episode, he has to decide if he wants to stay or go back home. And there's no way for him to travel between the worlds through "chaos control" since the alignment between their dimensions/worlds was about to disconnect and it's unknown when they'll connect again (or if they ever will). And Chris does end up going home.

It's confusing. Children adore their parents at an early age (usually). But over time, a child and parent relationship becomes more distant as time passes. Either because the parent can't be there because of work (usually work) or because the child wants something more (friends). Probably both I think. I've always wanted a magical type of friendship, yet I wonder if it's comparable to infatuation in a relationship? It's possible for interest to die out in a friendship or any relationship really, and that's one of the things that stops me from getting to close to people sometimes. But I keep forgetting it's what you put into things that affect how things turn out most of the time.

I'm a living paradox. I don't want to be alone, yet I like being alone. Go figure. lol

I also remember watching the 3rd season of Digimon: "Digimon Tamers". In that season, they introduced a new type of evolution: "Biomerge Digivolution", which allowed a tamer and their digimon to digivolve together into one new digimon. That concept alone I've always found intriguing. It's a symbol of the connection between two people, but actually in physically form. Is it possible to be completely connected to someone close to you? I don't know. Perhaps it's just one of those things that don't need explanation and you just need to let happen.

But for now, I'll keep wishing (and searching with little effort) for more friends across the horizon.