The Mask

I will admit, I am a phony, but only in the sense that I do not display my true feelings to others about what is on my mind. I don't hold any critical secrets. The only secrets I have are my ambiguity on my sexuality and my thoughts about the world. The world; Throughout my life so far I had made many observations on it as well as ideas of what it could be.

The world as I see today is a place where there really is no absolute "freedom of expression". Even though we do have the will power to do as we please, we repress our desires. We hold back in fear of rejection, alienation, or perhaps even an inability to survive. The survival part I'd say would apply to people who depend on others for their daily needs (such as myself, I still live with my parents). And I also depend on the "companionship" of others, even though I find myself alone most of the time (which I like actually). In the world as it is today, it just doesn't seem practical to just be completely honest about who you are. The way how I see it, we all inevitably wear different masks for the different kinds of people we interact with. We do it to avoid being weirded out, to avoid unwanted attention, avoid rejection, avoid offending other people for our differences to their personality and beliefs. I can't say it applies to everyone, but for the most part, probably the majority of us.

In my ideal world, no living creature with a free will to think and act on its own would have to hide outlandish things about themselves; they wouldn't have to be afraid to reveal their true feelings either. But most of my friends whom I've talked this over with said it would just lead the world to anarchy and no one would get along. But seriously, we don't seem to be getting along anyways just trying to look like we're being decent about ourselves and looking all tolerant of each other, when really we're not.

I just wish we could just live in a world where we don't necessarily have to like each other's differences, but we could at least just accept the fact that we're different. And yes, I'm sure disagreements and heated arguments are inevitable, but I just want to believe that we all can get over that and just move on.

It's easy to just blame the world for the world's problems, but the other cause of the problem is the individual. In my case, I refrain from being too honest about myself. I'm quite honest about most of my feelings, but not everything. If I can't even be completely honest, then the ideal world I desire for will never exist.

The funny thing is, most of my deep thoughts come out in the form of blogging, quite sad really. I only blog whenever something is picking at my mind or when I have something I want to say but can never get the courage to say it to anyone. I've already established blogs on other social networking sites where my identity is revealed, and I have this one too. Not that it bothers me too much, but I wonder when this hidden identity thing will start eating at me. I try to push the envelope in my real blogs, but never too much. And here, everything is "no holds barred".

It's pretty obvious that I'm making a simple matter harder than it's supposed to be, but it's the only way I can think of at the moment. Who knows? Perhaps one day, I give a less of a shit about my perceived image by others and I'll really say what I want, lol. That's what has happened to me throughout the years. Every year, I care less about what people think of me. Perhaps the thing I worry about the most is my own survival. I don't have the means to support myself yet, so for now I depend on people such as my parents, to help me out. But when I start living on my own, shit wouldn't even matter anymore, I think. Socially, I've lived a rather solitary life. Most of my life I've spent my time doing things alone: playing video games, watching tv, randomly losing myself in thought. I stayed home a lot throughout most of my childhood too and I'm pretty sure I've thought about a lot of things way more than most children would. Actually, a lot of that thinking was daydreaming about what I thought life should be, lol.

One day, perhaps. One day...

Trojans

There seems to be a lot of trojans on anonib lately... guess I'll stay away for awhile. Nothing new or good gets posted lately on there. Guess I'll just stick to blogs and y-gal for awhile.

Which has more heart? Brains or Muscles?

I believe it's easily assumed that everyone would say that it's personality that counts more than looks, although deep down inside people do care about looks but logically they know it's the personality that counts.

The thing I'll be ranting about the most on this post are stereotypes, mainly the nerd jock stereotypes.

Nerds. I'm a nerd, but I don't fit the stereotype completely I think. I'm smart, but rarely do I ever apply my full potential. I'm a slacker at heart. But the perfect nerd is one who has the pocket-protectors, the glasses, the body-stick frame, a high IQ (sometimes), and a way of approaching people that comes across as awkward. The jock. The perfect jock is the sports buff, the popular guy, the one who gets the girls, the one with the good looks, the machismo, but lacks brains, is a complete dope, and is a bully to nerds (sometimes).

But nowadays, high school stereotypes aren't as extreme. At the high school I went to, everyone was pretty chill, didn't give a shit about anyone, just sort of segregated themselves into their own cliques or circle of friends and that was all that mattered. And then there's the nerd-jock or whatever you want to call it. I happen to be friends with a few, and they're pretty nice guys. They're normal human beings that just happen to be well-rounded (since fucking colleges make it an unofficial requirement for admissions, lol.)

Even though I am a nerd, I still care about my looks, hell everyone does. If you can't admit to your own vanity, you're lying, or so that's what I think. A few days ago I was just randomly searching on Google. As I've said in my recent posts, I have a burning desire to get ripped (and who the hell doesn't?) So I look up things like "bodybuilding nerds" or "nerds with muscle" and I come across threads posting the question "Who makes a better lover? A nerd or a jock?" or something similar to it. And of course, the expected answer is the nerd who makes the better lover. Most of the answers had something like "They work hard, their attention is focused directly on you, they're kinky during sex (must be all that hentai, lol.)" and etc., etc. And then the responses for jocks or muscleheads were like "They treat women like pieces of meat, they're too obsessed with themselves" and so on. These were women answering the question btw.

The thing that bugs me the most about the answers to the questions are the hidden assumptions made. While I think it's great that most people, I hope, look for personality (then again I think people are still shallow), I sensed a sort of prejudice towards guys who were buff or too muscular for most people. People tend to see them as dumb, narcissistic, and insensitive. I find that unfair. Okay, so a guy cares about how he looks? Is that really a problem? They do something about it. And then there's the easy way out that people always like to use by saying "Oh that guy's on steroids". I find it wrong for anyone to stoop down so low to say that just because a guy cares about his body. Sure, there are guys who are gym rats and are just full of themselves. But that isn't to say that all guys who are buff have no personality. It's as if the nerd and the jock just completely switched places, wtf dude? lol. I guess I can also say it's the same for girls too, same for anyone really.

I can't help but wonder why a person would say that. Past experience? Insecure about one's manhood maybe? Jealousy? I'd like to think the last two are the most likely reasons.

It's widely assumed that it's bad to be shallow, but I think it's just human nature to be at least somewhat shallow. Aside from feeling good about yourself wouldn't you also want to look good? Overall, it's always going to be inner beauty that counts the most. But wouldn't it be great to show that inner beauty on the outside too?

Just a random thought.

Dwarven Vow #7: "Justice and Love will always win."

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