Monday, February 13, 2017

Only Yesterday

It's really interesting how once you reach a milestone in your life, your past becomes, for the most part, forgotten. I'm already a quarter of a century old and I honestly can't remember a lot of things in my past. Not so much memories as it is exact details and feelings I had at the time. Getting disowned by your family changes you permanently, in a way. There's been many times where I feel different, like I've lost my past self or lost a part of me that no longer exists in my history. It's like Young Link waving goodbye to Adult Link because he's forever stuck in the future he fast-forwarded to and can never go back to his childhood and live it out.

I've had plenty of time to grow up, but one thing that I do know when I was with my family, the older I got, the more my parents wanted to coddle me. I knew they were afraid of me growing up and leaving the nest. But even more, I think they were afraid of letting me change and become my own person because then I would be someone they could no longer control. It was always about control. It always amused me how they made it seem like they didn't care what I did, despite always sabotaging my efforts, cancelling many meetups I wanted to have with friends, and saying I did have a choice, but always made it a loaded question to force me to make decisions they wanted. I was so worried about wanting to make my parents happy that I always gave up my own happiness in the process. What I did wrong was accept comfort over freedom in the form of being somewhat spoiled as I was growing up. I always got the latest video game consoles that wanted up until the PS2/Gamecube/Xbox era. When college started, the recession happened, my mom got terminated from her job, there was no money. Financial strain really adds more stress than needed to any relationship. I think what annoyed me the most about my parents was how fiscally irresponsible they were and how it became very obvious their marriage was a sham ever since they got together.

When I started college, I had a 4 year scholarship, which I used most of it for rent. I only claimed 3 years because my grades tanked 2 semesters. I had federal and state grants which really helped. I didn't have to take out federal student loans until the last two years of college. It took me 7 years to finish my Aerospace Engineering degree. I had trouble in classes because I was insecure, never asked for much help and tried too hard to do everything on my own and not cheat/use solution manuals like everyone else was doing. The stress of living a double life and my parents getting more angry with me with each year I was in college, and then just pressuring me to finish college even when I just started and comparing me to other kids of friends they know who are finishing their degrees in 4 years and have 4.0 GPAs or grades more stellar than mine...

I felt vastly undervalued and unappreciated for making efforts to improve myself. Everything I did in school, I did all of the work on my own. Maybe a few times my parents helped me, but they couldn't. I had to help myself. They didn't guide me on how to apply for scholarships and financial aid, I did that myself. They had no connections, I had to network on my own. Even if they had some, their connections didn't lead anywhere and had nothing to do with the degree I was pursuing. Being told everyday that I was a burden on my family just for going to college was the worst feeling in the world. My parents held my education hostage by making it seem I couldn't go to college without their help, financially speaking.

The most stupid decision my parents made financially was constantly repair a car they had for more than 10 years and racking up credit card debt to make the repairs, rather than trade it in and finance a newer, but economic car that'll fit their budget. The second worst decision was not allowing me to take out some student loans to help ease the financial burden I had on my family. I completely understand my parents' point of view. So many people my age will be in student loan debt for the rest of their lives or for a very long time, but with the degree I was pursuing, engineering is always in demand, I would have eventually found a decent paying job.

I understand my parents had that immigrant mentality, where they came to a better country to give their children a better future that they couldn't have. But when you're so insecure about not being able to provide for your kids and then disable them from trying to help themselves or the family, you're doing a disservice to everyone. It's funny how my parents said they would've let me leave home at 18 to get a job and live on my own, but that's after the fact, after they outed me and put me on house arrest. You can't change your words after the fact, that's just being petty and unwilling to admit you were wrong. Yes I appreciate my parents helping me out through college, but they always did it with too many strings attached. They never wanted to trust me, they never did trust me, they were always afraid of the potential I had to become my own person, but that was inevitable.

It hurt me at the time when my parents said they wished I was never born, but now I see it as just completely silly and a testament to how fucked up they are in the head. On the surface, they seem like good parents, but they're soulless tyrants behind closed doors. The longer my mom was unemployed, the more tantrums she threw like a spoiled brat when she didn't get her way, always saying her kids never respect her when she doesn't give respect to begin with. My parents were so insecure, they lived through their kids in order to feel validated for existing. They felt their kids' success was their own, as if they did the work when they didn't. The sad part is how they brainwashed my sister into being their obedient servant. I always served my parents willingly, but it was out of the real love I had for them. The love my sister probably has for my parents now, is out of fear. She got so manipulated that she lashed out against me when my parents got angry at me for being gay. I couldn't tell if my sister really sided with my parents, or if it was a power play because I was always the favorite just for being the oldest and the first born son. Traditional parents always pull off this bullshit of favoring first born sons the most. Growing up, I always tried to defend my sister and try to be strong together whenever our mom got out of hand with her tirades. My sister used to rebel before I did. But I didn't stop her, because I wanted to play by the rules and keep a low radar. I regret not being by her side when my parents were chewing her out. It didn't become obvious until now how neglected my sister was by my parents.

And now? I'm the black sheep of the family. And yet, I still get phone calls and texts from my parents asking me to contact them back, trying to make it seem as if I was the only one who inflicted pain. But they're the ones who disowned me via text, who did everything they could to mentally break me down and get me to come home and give up on my quest for freedom. I blocked my family from Facebook, but after I left home, they were always making public posts about how happy they were as a family without mentioning me, and then it devolved to slandering me and my boyfriend and making baseless accusations. It would always get me angry, but I decided to heed some advice and completely block them out of my life after they disowned me. I'm now a lot happier not letting my curiosity for them get the better of me and seeing things lies they say about me that would anger me.

That's all for now. Next time, I need to get back on topic and talk about "bara" stuff again, not that I ever really did honestly. Lol

Saturday, February 4, 2017

A New Home

I never post on here anymore, it's become forgotten. But now I've decided to make this my new home. Today I decided to try something new: I unfollowed all my friends on Facebook. I'm a rather strange individual. I'm very narcissistic, but at the same time very aware. My problem is I get very passionate and opinionated.

The past year has strained relationships for everyone. This past election has only divided everyone further because of how fast news and memes can get posted on the Internet. It's become a cesspool of shit posting and people staying within their echo chambers.

I came to the realization months ago that I'm quite the conservative, but not to the extreme. I hate how politically correct everyone is forced to be these days and I hate the self-righteous shutdowns extremist liberals use to shutdown people with dissenting opinions and then instantly doing all they can to ruin their relationships, their careers, and their reputation. The right/conservatives use the same tactics too, but not to the dangerous extremes the left has been doing as of late.

I think these days, it's just best to keep opinions to yourself or to just share them anonymously on the Internet. I like being challenged, I like seeing people's thoughts and opinions, but everyone has become so intolerant these days and few are so quick to share every single damn political article and meme that fits their narrative. I'm guilty of it too, but I usually try to qualify it and I never fully endorse something, because I don't know all the facts.

I've always felt alone most of my life. It's gotten better now though. My family disowned me, made me leave with nothing, I lost friends who helped me out of that situation because I learned they were exactly like my family, I made new friends and got closer with some I already had, I live with my boyfriend now, and I have a full-time job as an engineer. I'm pretty happy as of late. And I noticed a lot of my friends hardly post on Facebook anyways. They're busy with their own lives and probably enjoying it more than way too.

My boyfriend hates how petty I get, but it's my way of venting. I never get back at people, more like I walk the other direction and choose to be forgotten while I seethe in my anger. I forget it over time though, especially when I see less of a person who pisses me off.

So here's to new stomping grounds. I could care less who follows/unfollows me at this point. I just want a place to speak my mind and not care about anyone's feelings anymore. It's work I don't like being forced to do, and usually I'm very careful about that, but I'm just tired of dealing with people who are more close-minded than I am and don't want to listen and make a conversation mutual.

So I guess I'll just stick to spending time with my boyfriend, working, going to the gym, get my cosplay hobby started, play games online, watch anime... just be me.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

The Oldest Record I Have

To All My Followers,

Sorry I haven't posted so much. I've needed some time thinking what I want to use this blog for. Always, it was an outlet for me to post my thoughts as a closeted gay man when I couldn't tell them to anyone. But over the years while I was in college, I came out to friends little by little, and I guess in a way, I didn't need this blog as much as I needed.

Fast forward to the present, a lot of crap has happened to me in the past year:

May 2015: I graduate with my Aerospace Engineering degree after 7 years in college after starting back in August 2008.
Sept 2015: Unable to find a full-time engineering job, I get hired for another internship, engineering this time at a local aircraft company I interned once before where my family lives. In the same month, my family forced me to confess I was gay and tried their hardest to shut me off from the world and cut all my connections.
Oct 2015: I finally ran away from home leaving with nothing, after trying for a month and a half to make up with my family, I realized they never wanted to acknowledge how they hurt me or ever wanted me to be happy just for being me.
Jan 2016: I move in with my boyfriend and his dad until I can find a job, was a happy time, and his dad was more of a father to me than my own dad was.
Mar 2016: I finally get a job as a junior engineering through a friend and live with him and his wife, also the same friend who helped me run away from my family and gave me a place to stay for two weeks until I could find my own place.
Jun 2016: I move out of my friend's place with my bf because we both found out how bitchy his wife was and uncannily similar she was to how my mom operated to push people away from her and blame others for everything. Unable to take the abuse anymore, my bf and I finally moved out to an apartment of our own and finally living our gay life as a couple.
Jul 2016 (Now): Things have been a lot more happier and chill for me. I don't get angry as much as I used to over frustration of the things I had no control in my life that was beating me down like family or roommates I had no choice but to put up with until I found my own place.

All in all, looking back, I've gone through so much. I'm 26 now, but sadly, most of that history is gone. When I was still with my family after they outed me from the closet, they forced me to use my friend who I stayed with later to breakup with my bf for me. And they wanted me to cut ties with all my friends and start my life anew "their way". One night, they sat me down and they all watched me as I deleted every social media account I had. The only ones I didn't delete were the gay ones I had that they never knew about, and my LoL, Steam, some Yahoo emails, MySpace, and a few other accounts that I've forgotten about. The biggest losses I had though were my Facebook and YouTube/Google accounts. I had so much history logged on my Facebook all the way back from high school, so many long posts about my life like I do here sometimes, all gone because my family wanted me to cut my ties. I stupidly put up with them for a month and a half because I honestly did feel guilty as a son for deceiving them, for talking shit about my mom on Facebook because she was driving me nuts with her erratic behavior, and I felt the need to repair things with them. But after a month and a half, I realized that was never gonna happen. All throughout that time, they emotionally abused me and made me feel and think such dangerous thoughts: that I was worthless with my degree because I took so long, that all my friends and my boyfriend were manipulating me, anything they could say to make me feel like a horrible person, and they were all accusations made on speculation that weren't true. In the end, it felt like I was the only one apologizing while my family did nothing to try and understand who I was or try to realize how they were hurting me.

And so one day, I left.

I guess for the future, I can try posting on here whenever I have something nagging at me. I've been open lately on Facebook but don't really get much response usually, my posts are too long and too personal that I don't think people want to hear more drama. But I have you guys. And I guess I'll try posting more bara pics while I'm at it, just hope I don't get flagged for copyright infringement.

Anyways, looking forward to posting a bit more on here. It seems like the best way, especially since this blog is unsearchable. I dare not open that option in fear of my family or anyone finding this. Even my journal, I must keep private, because I know how the world hates it when people go public with their true feelings, they do a 180 on you.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Thoughts on migrating

Not sure who's going to read this, but it seems that Blogger isn't widely used anymore for porn, let alone gay-oriented blogs. "The Bara Journal" was a blog I made to put my thoughts out there about what I was going through living in the closet all throughout college, and it helped, a lot. Especially with the few responses I got from the few guys who've followed me. My reason for leaving this blog is because I want to make a new one to my main gmail account. I made this before Blogger was bought out by Google, but the gmail I made for this, I never use... Oh hell, I guess I can keep updating it, idk.

And from the looks of it, only a few people I've followed still update their Blogger accounts. Thinking of making the same posts on Tumblr honestly, or other sites and keep them all unified.

And it's weird. I've gotten to a point in my life where I want to be more open about my sexuality, and it's a long story that I'll have to talk about another time. And there might be a few posts on here that I've made that are a bit too personal that I don't want the general public to tie to me in real life, such as revealing guys I've been with and things I may have done sexually.

What do you think I should do?

Monday, January 19, 2015

I lied

To all those who I promised that I'd start posting weekly, I'm sorry. Perhaps I should try keeping it real for once.

I recently got my first smartphone this past Christmas. First thing I did? Download phone app games of course. I play Sonic Rush Fever, Sonic Dash, Quiz RPG, Puzzle and Dragons, Marvel Puzzle Quest, and some bodybuilding game daily. Second? I downloaded gaydar apps: Grindr, Growlr, and Scruff. I'm pretty much obsessed with using these gaydar apps. I would like to believe that every guy thinks this: You be in a relationship, but still lust after other men. It's so true. What you lack in your relationship, you will want to fill the gaps with other men. Maybe your partner isn't attractive enough for you, your personalities don't create enough chemistry, whatever. I'd like to believe that gay men have an easier time maintaining open relationships, but almost always one will get more easily jealous than the other.

But at the end of the day, you'll realize why you love the person you're with even if he's not perfect, because you find out you get along with him the most out of any other man. That's somewhat the case with my bf. I love him, but he doesn't seem to excite me. We had a few talks before. I mentioned that I didn't find him attractive. He looks okay, he just doesn't make me lust for him. He didn't take that well. He told me: "It's not fair for you to expect me to be muscular if you aren't muscular yourself." Point taken, but I can't force myself to be attracted if I'm not. And it's not so much looks, it's attitude. If you want a healthy relationship, both partners need to be confident in themselves and trust that they love each other. If you get insecure easily and get jealous easily, then there will be constant misunderstandings.

I'm currently in my last semester of college. I can only hope I get hired for a job for my degree. I'll be graduating with a Bachelor's in Aerospace Engineering and a minor in Finance. Aside from all that, I'm still obsessed with wanting to get bigger and more muscular. I still would like to become a bara sempai someday and help other smaller guys become bara as well. For too long I've felt alone that I couldn't be with guys who I would actually like as friends and would want to have sex with. It sucks.

Other than that, I play League of Legends any chance I get. I main Olaf btw, and man there's so many bara studs in LoL. I just like playing Olaf because I love getting tanky and just being a bruiser. I always use his Pentakill Olaf skin because I love seeing his broad back and his massive pecs and beard. So sexy! Granted, I tend to die a lot as him since he's such a late game champ. I love spamming his Reckless Undertow (E) for true damage. I love his (W) for life stealing since it's a nice quick way to recover HP. His Q is great for chasing. And I usually use his ult to get out of sticky situations or get into a team fight after it started to do cleanup.

I use his new splash art as my lock screen wallpaper, and his old one as my home wallpaper:




Sunday, October 12, 2014

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

"My name is Hov..." No, fuck no it ain't. lol

41 followers, dang. Y'all still following this dead blog? I appreciate it I guess.

So my name is "Baraboylover". As of now, I'm 24 years old, a 7th year as an undergraduate Aerospace Engineering student/Finance minor (long story, maybe another time), and I'm pretty much a guy who likes "bara".

Bara - refers to a category of Japanese yaoi which depicts men as manly/hairy/muscular/chubby, basically yaoi made by men for men.

Really, I just love muscles, it's like a fetish for me. To me, a muscular man represents the idea of strength, virility, confidence, and just raw sex appeal. I'm about 5 ft. 8 in. in height, 154lbs, and I have an average build with some muscle. So pretty much, I'm a "boy" who "loves" "bara" men hoping to be "bara" himself one day. And if you wanna see what I look like, find me on adam4adam, I go on that gay dating/hookup site a lot to chat with friends.

Honestly, I'm too lazy to backtrack right now and read what I've posted on here so long ago. Hell my motivation to make another post on here wasn't until a follower messaged me and said we talked a long time ago when he found my blog years ago. So I guess for now, I can just give a quick update on my life:

I probably mentioned this before, but in Fall 2010, I believe was when I lost my virginity. From then on, I started occasionally meeting with a few guys every so often for hookups. Some were one-time things, others were friends with benefits. And then 2 years ago, I met my boyfriend. My boyfriend's kinda like me: we both like bara, we're both gamers, we watch anime/cartoons, read manga online, we're both equally nerdy. Granted, we have some problems, but what relationship doesn't? I happy to be with him and I hope our relationship gets better over time.

In Summer 2013, I started working out by hitting the gym. At first, I was shy. I thought back all the way to my freshman year of college in Fall 2008. I remember always being intimidated by the big guys in the gym. It sucked being gay, in the closet, and going into the gym having no idea what to do. I'd say the first few times I went to the gym as a freshman, I quickly lost motivation, because I had no idea how to workout effectively for the goals I wanted. There were also times where I'd get so winded and tired the first few times because I hardly ever worked out before, I'd feel like throwing up (which I did sometimes) and felt like I was gonna die from exhaustion.

Fast forward to Summer 2013, I think I just got tired of sitting in my apartment doing nothing, so I decided to workout and be regular about it. This was of course after years of reading and looking up workout plans online. The workout plan I'm currently following is 5x5 Strong Lifts, and I like the concept, I'm seeing some gains in strength, but not so much in muscle mass as my diet isn't perfect or catered towards growth. I'm just focusing on strength for now since I feel I don't have the money to buy more food to eat to fuel muscle growth. lol

When it comes to weightlifting, I definitely prefer free weights all the way. Squats, deadlifting, bench press, barbell rows, and overhead presses (exercise all recommended by the 5x5 Strong Lifts program). There's nothing I like more than free workout programs online. Honestly, I feel all workout and diet information should be free, and I feel all you need to do is know the simple basics, apply them, and you'll see good initial results and retain them if you stay consistent. The only thing that needs to change is adding variety to your workout and maybe changing your diet as necessary to continue pursuing goals and overcoming plateaus. Am I an expert? Fuck no, and I definitely wouldn't recommend anyone to heed my advice unless they do their own research afterwards to see what works for them.

Aside from weightlifting, I also like swimming now, also started in Summer 2013, after being inspired after watching season 1 of  "Free! Iwatobi Swim Club" Rei Ryugazaki is my favorite character, and I still need to learn Butterfly stroke in the swim class I'm in right now. If I had to say what my goal is fitness-wise, it would be to be a big muscular swimmer; strong in lifting weights and having functional strength with massive muscles, but still able to swim gracefully in the lap pool. I wanna look fucking hot in speedos one day! Hell I think I look pretty okay in them, but I wanna get bigger.

I guess where my life stands now is that I will graduate next Spring (and hopefully have a job for my degree by the time I graduate). Classes are definitely my top priority right now, with my boyfriend and working out being a close second. I just wanna get out of my university so I can start working and make money to help out my family and to start funding my bodybuilding hobby that I wanna do so badly. I'm pretty shallow/narcissistic.

I'm not sure what I could talk about, but I'd like to talk about real gay issues, in a real way:

Real Gay M*********ing Talk

That was a Mad TV sketch reference btw. I have quite a bit to say about the gay community, but I'll save it for future posts.

Shit I hope to talk about in the future:
-Gay issues
-Video games
-Working out
-Gay dating
-Gay sex
-Anime
-Character shipping
-Music
-My life

I hate making promises, but I'm hoping to make this a weekly thing from now on, at least to just rant about what's on my mind each week. Thanks for the support up to now, I hope I can reach out to some of you and let y'all know that you're not alone.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Another one of those sparse updates

As always, I fail to update this blog. Part of the reason why is because I'm doing something else onling (and I only made a blogger account to follow my favorite bara artists). So yeah, I'm probably jacking off more than I am making posts. But if I had to give a distribution of where my time is spent online:

Facebook: following news feed and playing games (mostly YOU DON'T KNOW JACK!, the best trivia game ever)
Adam4adam: I usually just login to chat and see if I have any new messages. That's about it, since I found my boyfriend on there months ago sometime last fall.
boards.barachan.org: Who doesn't lurk on the board? Strangely, I mostly lurk on the Discussion thread to see if there's any new topics that I find interesting enough to reply to.
YouTube: Lately, it's to watch episodes of the J-drama "Liar Game"
MangaFox: So I could read the manga "Liar Game", which unfortunately I recently just finished reading all the chapters out as of now.
Crunchyroll.com: So I can watch "Attack on Titan", which is hot right now.
Tumblr.com: Because I find it easier to follow people on their than I do on here. Blogger loads kinda slow for me, but it's been awhile since I've checked out everyone's new work, including MonkeyGoGo, who always draws some good artwork consistently.
Webcourses2c.instructure.com: My university's online portal for classes. It's a necessity.
stocktrak.com: I recently used it for one class (Financial Markets) where I got to learn about different types of investments and how to create a diverse investment portfolio to minimize risk, but create stable, long-term returns. I don't understand it some of it too well yet, but it's interesting. Oh and, aside from my Aerospace Engineering major, I'm working on a Finance minor since I unfortunately have to be in college longer than I'd like to be, because my university offers a lot of upper level courses once a year, which screws everything up for students who fail or withdraw from harder classes and have to wait an entire year just to retake them. I'd move on, but with the way pre-requisites are lined up, it's impossible.

This summer, I'm taking only Finance classes for my minor. So far, an A and a B for two classes I took already. The B could've been an A, but I missed getting an A by one question on my last exam, so I'm kinda pissed about the narrow margin. Grades haven't officially come out yet, so I'll see whether or not my professor curves. I doubt it though, since his syllabus stated he doesn't do plus/minus grades or curving of any kind. His justification is because he provides extra credit opportunities.

Techinically, next Fall/Spring will be my last year of college, and I intend to try my hardest. I just wanna fucking graduate and quit throwing money away towards housing. I do have a work-study job on campus, but it's a part-time job, doesn't pay much either, since my supervisor doesn't come up with my work for me to do, and I'm too much of a wuss to ask if I could just get paid for showing up and waiting until work gets in. Currently, I took out $2,750 in students loans, but that's chump change compared to other people who have ballooning student loan debts. I lucked out, but it is getting harder every year to avoid taking out loans. I just hope I get a job after I graduate college. That's why this summer, I ought to make it a priority to contact a place I had an internship at last summer, just to give an update, and hope they didn't forget about me. My supervisor at that place told me they like to rehire their interns. Hope I get lucky then. And I ordered all my engineering textbooks for next fall and I'm gonna start studying for those hard classes so I don't have to panic as much in the Fall when I start Senior Design.