Wednesday, November 11, 2009

"Keep Your Friends Close, But Keep Your Enemies Closer."

Personally, I don't have any physical enemies. I'm usually reserved and I'm not one to instigate. However, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I never had an enemy: someone to argue against, fight against, someone who be the target of my anger and hatred, which would motivate me to better myself in order to outdo the other. And yet I wonder if there's a possibility of sharing mutual feelings with an enemy. I think if I did have an enemy, and I constantly bickered with him, I would probably get used to it and accept it as part of my daily life. But what if one day he just disappeared, and I never saw him again? It would probably be a bittersweet moment. At first, I'd feel relieved, thinking that I wouldn't have to put up with his shit anymore. But inside, I'd have this empty feeling, as if I lost something. Usually, I have a tendency to judge myself harshly. When I say something mean to someone, I will feel good about it at first, but at some point I'll feel guilty. I'll even have an urge to want to apologize for whatever wrongs I may have committed. But what usually happens is that I just let the guilt stay inside me because I feel I'm not worthy enough for that person to accept my apology. Hell, I'm probably overly-sentimental when it comes to those types of situations. What most people see as insignificant, I turn it into a bigger issue than it has to be.

There are a few fantasies that I play out in my head sometimes:

-A meek (probably nerdy) student constantly getting picked on by the school bully, but eventually they become friends
-Two soldiers of opposing, warring countries all alone on the battlefield, just the two of them. Eventually one overtakes the other and keeps the loser as prisoner. They'll exchange in conversation during their time together, but still show the same antagonisms they displayed towards each other when the first battled, yet consciously they note each other's similarities and differences and keep in mind that they're really not that different at all. Soon, the winner goes back to his home country and takes his prisoner with him. When he presents the prisoner to his government, it's decided he's to be executed. He lets his prisoner get taken away without opposition and they part their ways. BUT THEN! He grabs his prisoner friend and motions the lead for them to run away together... as a sort of "Ico x Yorda" pair. And they may escape successfully or die together, etc. I don't want to make an ending for this fantasy.
-A guy goes to prison for the first time and meets his new inmate. His inmate is everything you'd expect out of the typical prisoner: packed with muscle, aggressive, but overall keeps his feelings, personality, and past history a mystery. He may make the new guy his sex slave, depends. But say this new guy was like me and he truly wanted to knew his cellmate better. He would be open to his detached inmate, while his inmate constantly bashes him for acting womanly or too kind. But eventually, the new guy breaks through to him, and they start to share each other's life story. And of course, they become intimate lovers and make love every night in their happy cell.
-A guy one day encounters a winged, dragon-like, humanish type of demon. At first sight, the guy is scared, but at the same time in awe of the demon's appearance. The demon has a hunger to kill, so he tries to kill the guy. The guy braces himself for death and looks at the demon with pleading, but accepting eyes, and then closes them at the last second. Yet for some reason, the demon hesitates in trying to kill the guy. "What makes this guy different from all the others he asks himself?" So the demon runs away. And then the demon tries again and again to try to kill this guy, but he can't. So they guy approaches the demon one day and tries to communicate with him. And of course I want it to be another typical friends to lovers type of relationship. I bet y'all have me figured out now, doncha? lol.

I don't know why, but I have a burning desire to want to fall in love with a tough guy. Tough guys, I feel, secretly desire to find someone they trust. I'd like to assume that everyone wants a chance to just be human. I find villians and anti-heroes to be appealing to me. I want to bring out the sincere feelings they lock inside their hearts, and I want to make that particular tough guy's heart stronger. But I feel that fantasy is rather selfish on my part. Would I really be in love with such a person? Or am I only in love with the thought of the possibility of what that person could be?