Monday, February 13, 2017

Only Yesterday

It's really interesting how once you reach a milestone in your life, your past becomes, for the most part, forgotten. I'm already a quarter of a century old and I honestly can't remember a lot of things in my past. Not so much memories as it is exact details and feelings I had at the time. Getting disowned by your family changes you permanently, in a way. There's been many times where I feel different, like I've lost my past self or lost a part of me that no longer exists in my history. It's like Young Link waving goodbye to Adult Link because he's forever stuck in the future he fast-forwarded to and can never go back to his childhood and live it out.

I've had plenty of time to grow up, but one thing that I do know when I was with my family, the older I got, the more my parents wanted to coddle me. I knew they were afraid of me growing up and leaving the nest. But even more, I think they were afraid of letting me change and become my own person because then I would be someone they could no longer control. It was always about control. It always amused me how they made it seem like they didn't care what I did, despite always sabotaging my efforts, cancelling many meetups I wanted to have with friends, and saying I did have a choice, but always made it a loaded question to force me to make decisions they wanted. I was so worried about wanting to make my parents happy that I always gave up my own happiness in the process. What I did wrong was accept comfort over freedom in the form of being somewhat spoiled as I was growing up. I always got the latest video game consoles that wanted up until the PS2/Gamecube/Xbox era. When college started, the recession happened, my mom got terminated from her job, there was no money. Financial strain really adds more stress than needed to any relationship. I think what annoyed me the most about my parents was how fiscally irresponsible they were and how it became very obvious their marriage was a sham ever since they got together.

When I started college, I had a 4 year scholarship, which I used most of it for rent. I only claimed 3 years because my grades tanked 2 semesters. I had federal and state grants which really helped. I didn't have to take out federal student loans until the last two years of college. It took me 7 years to finish my Aerospace Engineering degree. I had trouble in classes because I was insecure, never asked for much help and tried too hard to do everything on my own and not cheat/use solution manuals like everyone else was doing. The stress of living a double life and my parents getting more angry with me with each year I was in college, and then just pressuring me to finish college even when I just started and comparing me to other kids of friends they know who are finishing their degrees in 4 years and have 4.0 GPAs or grades more stellar than mine...

I felt vastly undervalued and unappreciated for making efforts to improve myself. Everything I did in school, I did all of the work on my own. Maybe a few times my parents helped me, but they couldn't. I had to help myself. They didn't guide me on how to apply for scholarships and financial aid, I did that myself. They had no connections, I had to network on my own. Even if they had some, their connections didn't lead anywhere and had nothing to do with the degree I was pursuing. Being told everyday that I was a burden on my family just for going to college was the worst feeling in the world. My parents held my education hostage by making it seem I couldn't go to college without their help, financially speaking.

The most stupid decision my parents made financially was constantly repair a car they had for more than 10 years and racking up credit card debt to make the repairs, rather than trade it in and finance a newer, but economic car that'll fit their budget. The second worst decision was not allowing me to take out some student loans to help ease the financial burden I had on my family. I completely understand my parents' point of view. So many people my age will be in student loan debt for the rest of their lives or for a very long time, but with the degree I was pursuing, engineering is always in demand, I would have eventually found a decent paying job.

I understand my parents had that immigrant mentality, where they came to a better country to give their children a better future that they couldn't have. But when you're so insecure about not being able to provide for your kids and then disable them from trying to help themselves or the family, you're doing a disservice to everyone. It's funny how my parents said they would've let me leave home at 18 to get a job and live on my own, but that's after the fact, after they outed me and put me on house arrest. You can't change your words after the fact, that's just being petty and unwilling to admit you were wrong. Yes I appreciate my parents helping me out through college, but they always did it with too many strings attached. They never wanted to trust me, they never did trust me, they were always afraid of the potential I had to become my own person, but that was inevitable.

It hurt me at the time when my parents said they wished I was never born, but now I see it as just completely silly and a testament to how fucked up they are in the head. On the surface, they seem like good parents, but they're soulless tyrants behind closed doors. The longer my mom was unemployed, the more tantrums she threw like a spoiled brat when she didn't get her way, always saying her kids never respect her when she doesn't give respect to begin with. My parents were so insecure, they lived through their kids in order to feel validated for existing. They felt their kids' success was their own, as if they did the work when they didn't. The sad part is how they brainwashed my sister into being their obedient servant. I always served my parents willingly, but it was out of the real love I had for them. The love my sister probably has for my parents now, is out of fear. She got so manipulated that she lashed out against me when my parents got angry at me for being gay. I couldn't tell if my sister really sided with my parents, or if it was a power play because I was always the favorite just for being the oldest and the first born son. Traditional parents always pull off this bullshit of favoring first born sons the most. Growing up, I always tried to defend my sister and try to be strong together whenever our mom got out of hand with her tirades. My sister used to rebel before I did. But I didn't stop her, because I wanted to play by the rules and keep a low radar. I regret not being by her side when my parents were chewing her out. It didn't become obvious until now how neglected my sister was by my parents.

And now? I'm the black sheep of the family. And yet, I still get phone calls and texts from my parents asking me to contact them back, trying to make it seem as if I was the only one who inflicted pain. But they're the ones who disowned me via text, who did everything they could to mentally break me down and get me to come home and give up on my quest for freedom. I blocked my family from Facebook, but after I left home, they were always making public posts about how happy they were as a family without mentioning me, and then it devolved to slandering me and my boyfriend and making baseless accusations. It would always get me angry, but I decided to heed some advice and completely block them out of my life after they disowned me. I'm now a lot happier not letting my curiosity for them get the better of me and seeing things lies they say about me that would anger me.

That's all for now. Next time, I need to get back on topic and talk about "bara" stuff again, not that I ever really did honestly. Lol

No comments:

Post a Comment