I'm starting to heed my mom's advice. She really meant it when I shouldn't be dating while I'm in college. But really, that's bullshit. I haven't really met with guys much last semester, and that alone wasn't the reason why I failed miserably. Btw, I failed Thermodynamics and Solid Mechanics (or Mechanics of Materials). They're not hard classes, just intimidating. I failed because I procrastinated. I feel procrastination is the root of a lot of problems. The longer you procrastinate, the worse it gets and the more problems you get the longer you do.
Ever since I've started college, I really have felt lonely. But it's my own fault for never getting out much. I have friends, but I still feel lonely, if any of you get what I mean. Clearly, I'm longing for love or some form of relationship. I've been trying to find a guy my age, but so far, no luck. It's probably because I talk too much like this, and I probably seem needy because of it. I could care less if I don't find a true lover my age. I've alone for so long, I'm kinda used to the feeling. Sometimes I even enjoy feeling the pain of loneliness. I'm starting to get the feeling that my "closeted" status may be indirectly affecting me to feel this way... probably is.
College is hard. It's even harder if you feel you have to do everything on your own like I do. I hardly ask for help because I feel I should do everything on my own. And I wouldn't dare ask for help if I didn't do the homework or reading yet (which is usually most of the time). Usually, I do things at the last minute, or later. I felt that if I was a slacker, then I had no right to ask for help, which was really a terrible reason. It doesn't help either that I have an "inferiority complex". I'm secretly envious of the students around me who I feel do better than me, because I start saying to myself: "If they can do it, then why can't I?" I think I'll always have this feeling of inferiority, but I'll always have to work with people at some points in my life.
I've considered to see a counselor soon. I've kept in my true feelings for far too long, I think I just want someone in person to listen to me. I've just been avoiding such help because I'm afraid of being diagnosed as "crazy" or something like that. Or really, I just feel that matters of the mind should be solved independently. I do believe that only I can control my feelings. I see counselors and psychologists as mere placebos who are paid by feeding off of other people's insecurities, like a drug. That may very well be true, but surely, there is some validity to their existence and function.
I heard about the whole "Zodiac sign change". Technically, I'm an Aries based on my birthday. But now, I should be a Pieces. Pieces are known to be lost in their own worlds. They like to live in fantasy because it's more manageable than reality. Probably the complete opposite of an Aries. Aries are stubborn, strong-willed, and live in the moment. I think Pieces desires to be an Aries, I know I do. Maybe I truly am an Aries, and I'm just not giving myself a change to acknowledge that. Pieces are also known to get very depressed when things become hopeless; they need someone to help them up. Pieces, however, are very empathetic and like to listen to the problems of others. But the backlash of this is that Pieces can be so absorbed into other people's problems that they lose sight of themselves. Pieces are known to be artists, writers, and musicians. I feel stuck between being a Pieces and an Aries. If I could leave this world and go to a fantasy world where it's just the way I feel the world should be, I would. Strangely, I chose to do engineering. I chose engineering because I feel it is the bridge between fantasy and reality. Innovative ideas can become reality if you're persistent and lucky enough. I really don't know what I want to do as an engineer though. The only way I know how to live life is to be like "The Wind". I'm too laid-back to think far ahead into the future. I hope I can just live a life where I can just go with the flow. It's my goal in life to be able to adapt to any situation, for I feel that's the best way to be happy in life: "To be happy with anything." Because you really shouldn't need a reason to be happy. Existing should be a good enough reason, maybe the only reason.
No guy wants to be with a guy who's indecisive and lacking in confidence about himself. I don't have a dynamic personality either... Yet secretly, I enjoy this feeling of loneliness, I really do. Because it makes me more aware of myself. Sometimes I pretend that I'm actually two instead of one: There's me, and then there's my subconscious self. Despite acting a little schizophrenic, I'm aware of how unreal it all is. I've never really had a close friend (in person), nor can I think up an imaginary friend, too much work. So I'm fine just pretending to be friends with myself. The closest friend I have right now is "protoman_45". I dare not say his name because he's not out either. We both love bara, and we listen to each other's problems and understand each other's emotions. I hope to meet him in person one day. But other than that, I'm still waiting for my other, my "symbiote". Although, I might have already met him (my big bro), but we'll see where it goes.
I hardly post pics on here, but I've decided to since it'll relate to how I feel at the moment. I hope they don't get me for copyright infringement. I'll try to give credit if I know the source.
Artist: ~No-Restraints on DeviantArt
Source: http://no-restraints.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d2eti7m
Artist: Most likely from someone on pixiv
Source: Unknown
Artist: *Paradox-OS on DeviantArt
Source: http://paradox-os.deviantart.com/gallery/25924411#/d3247kh
I'm trying to be more structured now. I use my planner more than I ever have before. Anything that comes to mind that I know needs to get done, I write it down so I don't forget. I've even made printouts of my schedule, Professor and TA office hours, and important goals I have for this semester, to put up on my bedroom wall so I'm always reminded of them. Hell, I'm gonna try posting on here regularly (at least weekly), if I can. I'm too scared to be almost as honest like this on Facebook anyways. lol
I know wath you mean about having friends and still feel lonely. Friedns and familly are a must but as neat as they are, they cant fill that blank spot of the lover.
ReplyDeleteWhile i dont understand the thing of enjoy the lonelines xD i think the most important thing to do to start searching for partner is understand wath kind of relationship or partner you want.
I can see you already have a relationsip with you big bro and thats pretty neat but maybe you want more? Its pretty tricky for someone like us get the idea of how and wath we want in a relationship sometimes xD
And yhea, i been with a few guys myself xD and i know for sure sex is pretty weird......but soo far i still dont find a friends to explore sexuality, like you and your big bro, soo i am in a kind of hiatus for now
@Devilman
ReplyDeleteI'll have to make a separate post one day talking about my enjoyment of loneliness. It's hard to explain. Anyways, I hope you find a good friend to explore sex with. Really, I think anyone can do it. It's just that we're too insecure as human beings.
Anyone can do it yes, as long ad you know where to search and your able to find the rigth person. It is kind of hard to find the rigth guy when you dont know where to search for him xD
ReplyDeleteI don't think there ever is a right time and place. Find true love is a "One in a Million chance", or maybe even more than that. Although I think we got it a little easier since we have a lot of technology for communication, as well as social network and dating sites. I'll say this though: We're definitely lucky to have internet porn. =P
ReplyDeleteWhich reminds me, I never have time to look up anyone's artwork anymore, let alone yours. =(
Or to better word it, I just don't go on y-gallery or check anyone's blog anymore. Usually I just save pics from the bara board or the forums.
I am not sure if i want love tougth......rigth now i want friendship more than anything xD but a good friendship is hard to get, almost as hard as find love
ReplyDeleteWe are lucky to have the internet to meet more people yes, but i dunno if that makes the search easyer lol
I no worrys, i didnt had time to check out y gallery or blogs since november, it happens to us all. Is just nice to see your still around x3
It's nice to still see you around too man. I hope things are going well for you.
ReplyDeletehey, i just stumbled on your blog and read this post. Im anonymous coz i dont have an acct yet just searching web and stumbled on this. I really hope you overcome your loneliness and difficulty your having right now. I know its hard, and i can see that you are starting to look at different thoughts about your situation in which you should not worry about as much rather think about what you can do to reduce those worries and search what you are looking for.
ReplyDeletei know you can do it (i did btw), its just aa matter of time and ive been in to that situation were you always feel alone also. I myself felt lonely during college, i did also had that feeling of inferiority complex, i am the shortest guy at school and very young looking too around everyone my age, which is really difficult for me to have connection with the people around my age and to have any sort of relationship with, i do have friends also but always felt lonely and just wander all by myself.
i worry about it so much that it affected everything, my school, relationship with friends, including recession when i couldnt find jobs which makes the situation even harder w/c made me very depressed. Instead of looking for new connection and solve my other problems, i stay away from others and let myself enjoy loneliness and ackwarness im feeling just like you are right now. I enjoy it also (or maybe im in denial and just want to ignore it), but at the same time felt lonely, and never bothers me, but i know something is missing and i really need to find it.
I did made a huge change last year though. I realize this is not the life i want to be so and have to do something about it, went back to school took a grad school, started working out although on my own for now, just good very good grades in all my classes last fall,the hardest part for me rebuilding connection and find new people to talk to and continue where i left off, without thinking what the heck people think about me, its hard but i know its something i gotta do to find the people who i want to be with and be with me.
I really hope you find what you are looking for and find answers to your own questions. only you can find those things and i hope you see it soon. id like to talk more but this is just for now as this is just a comment.