My Darkest Secret

Perhaps the primary reason I made this anonymous blog to post on is because of the fact that at the moment I currently identify myself as bisexual, leaning towards the gay side. I'm male btw.

As far back as I can remember, at a young age, I had always had a fascination with male muscularity. It had been clear to me that I had a vain desire to have a sexy, lean, buff body. Back then and even now, I still imagine what it would be like to be muscular. To feel the power and confidence flowing through big, bulging muscles. To have that feeling of physical strength as if there's no limit to what you can do. And to take pride in one's appearance showing one's effort in maintaining beauty. That is what I desired and still desire.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that shallow. Everyone is shallow to some extent. I believe inner beauty comes first, and I know I have that. But unfortunately I am this 18 year old who's about to finish his first year of college; still 5'9", 130 pounds, thin, and hardly any muscle at all. I'd go to the gym, but I find myself very unmotivated. I feel rather lonely too. I'd go with a friend, but I'd wish it was with another male bisexual such as myself who shares the same goals.

Speaking of, when I was younger, I had always thought I was straight. Perhaps at age 10 was when I started puberty, and it was also when I started to have perverted thoughts. I believe the first time I masturbated was in my family's apartment bathroom. In that bathroom, I had a bathtub/shower. The bathtub had a flat surface for its edge. I had actually gotten the idea of humping it. I would lay on top of the bathtub edge, caressing my whole body on top of it, rubbing my dick up and down the surface. While I was doing that, I'd imagine myself topping a very beautiful woman and I'd be this Adonis worshiping her body as she worships mine. However back then and to this day, I can only last around a minute. I have no endurance whatsoever. I would come and that was the end of it.

When I was 15 or 16, I began going on the internet, searching for anime or video game fanarts or characters I know of that were drawn having muscular, toned bodies. At first it started out lighthearted, nothing dirty or anything. In my search, I happened to come across my first pic of anime beefcake: a fanart of Hiko Seijuro from Rurouni Kenshin (pic can be found here: http://www.hikarikat.com/zora/Art/Fanart/RurouniKenshin/Im2sexy.jpg), or I'll just post it here, lol.



This was the pic that started my search for male muscularity in anime and video games. Soon, I would come across a site called "Beefcake Central" that was an image board where users can post pics of the beefcakes found in any anime or video game. It was a rather risque board. There was no full nudity, nothing yaoi, but nonetheless, very suggestive. The site is defunct now, it's overridden with spam and malware, so I suggest you don't go on it.

I had known about yaoi during this period, however I had strayed away from it. However, my curiousity grew and soon enough I found myself searching on google for yaoi muscle pics. And then I came across 4chan and its /y board. At first I was intrigued, but then I later became disappointed with the abundance of bishified males on /y, until I found a thread on /y that posted pics from the yaoi game "Ie Tatemasu". I had finally found the bara pics I have been looking for. I asked for more, and then someone sent me a link to anonib bara.

JACKPOT! Anonib bara, the NSFW anon picture posting board that would be my gateway to all things bara. Eventually I would be going on y-gallery also to search for bara goodness and on baralover.110mb.com for bara manga scanlations. I'm such a bara yaoi pirate. For the past few years, I have downloaded so much bara content and it's still growing.

However, I still like hentai. I like watching hentai rather than look at hentai pics. The hentais I like the most are where it involves 1 guy orgies with a harem and then cum is spurting out everywhere. If there were more bara yaoi hentai, I definitely watch that, but sadly the closest I can get to is with Sensitive Pornograph or Legend of the Blue Wolves.

When I first started looking up yaoi porn, I had felt very scared and dirty doing it, but now it's become sort of a recreational activity that I take part in that no one I know in person knows about. I had always thought that I just wanted to be a muscular stud, I realize now that I want to be that as well as be in love with someone who desires the same thing and feels the same way I do. I can still imagine myself being in love with a woman, it's just that I don't have that big of a desire to love a woman or physically attracted to as with I do with guys. Ironically, I don't display any feelings of deep affection towards anyone. For now, I'm fine with companionship.

Sexually, I desire men over women. But I will admit that it is rather selfish of me to want to have sex with both genders. I am still virgin believe or not. I plan to stay that way until I can find someone who I love that I can trust and express my intimate feelings towards. I know that a relationship can't be all sex or just purely emotion; it has to be both. And I digress from having sex with someone, even if it is mutual. If I don't love a person I see no point in doing it with them. I couldn't stand bearing the guilt, even if I had done nothing wrong, I'd feel like I'm taking advantage of that person.

In the end, I really couldn't care who I love. If it's a woman, cool. If it's with a guy, even better. I can settle with one or the other. And despite how lonely I may feel at times, for now, I'm fine with the single life.