Hopes and Fears

Recently, I had gotten an email from someone who had looked at my blog. He said my relationships with my family and my friends are dishonest, and I actually agree with that unfortunately.

I think a lot, almost always more than I'm supposed to. Sometimes I think of possible worst case scenarios, and the more I think of it, the more fear overtakes me. But when it comes to my "gayness", I rarely think much of it at all. I'm fully aware of the fact that no one really knows, except for one person actually (who isn't close to me at all). I don't think I'm worried at all if I lose anyone. For years, I have felt such loneliness, even though I am surround by a loving family and great friends. This loneliness, it comes from my yearning for true love, someone who will accept me as a whole. I had never looked at myself being closeted as being deceiving, until now. However, I don't think I want to think about that right now. I can't let another thing eat at me. I have other things much important to worry about. First thing being college and then getting a job. My plan is to get settled first and then let out my secret after.

As I said, I'm not afraid of being alone. What I'm more afraid of? Death. Defeat. Poverty. Right now, I don't think I can survive on my own. I am dependent on my parents to help me get through college (with the help of scholarships! Hurray!). It's quite selfish of me to do that to my parents, but actually, they won't even let me date right now (not that I had any motivation to begin with). As much as I would love to find true love right now, I actually do agree with my parents that my future comes first. My parents led poor lives I guess, and they just don't want me to go the same path. And they really do want what's best for me. I just don't know what they would do if they found out if I was gay. Personally, I can wait and find out later. It would probably be the hardest on my mother since she wants me to have children of my own.

Children. The seeds of our future who sprout unwillingly. They don't decide whether they want to be born or not. Birth is such a great gift but also a burden to children who end up having horrible childhoods or have a future that is bleak because of their family history, their race, etc. I would think that all parents would want their children to be happy. Isn't that what giving life should be? To give joy and hope for a newborn child? But some parents see their children as property, a jewel of some sort, to show off to other parents about what great parents they are (though they aren't). I believe every parent carries such an ego, it can't be helped, even my parents too. It's not bad, but it gets worse when parents become competitive and force their children to do things they have no interest in doing.

I don't want to have children, not because I don't like them, but because I fear of the possible evils I may do to a child. I fear that I may become the stereotypical parent that I hate the most: one who chooses the fate of a child rather than a child creating their own destiny. I'd also say I'd fear that I wouldn't be able to take care of a child, but I don't think I would do that bad. And perhaps my existence as a gay man could make a child's life difficult. My primary reason for not having children is that I get the feeling that my parents want me to owe them something. A good retirement? Grandkids? I don't know. It's that feeling of expecting returns of their part that makes me averse to wanting kids of my own. Why should a child give back? While I do believe they should, I don't think they should be required. It should be a parent's job to make sure their raise their child right. I hate parents who think highly of themselves and brag to other parents, "Oh, my child's not like that, because I raised them right." SO WHAT?!!! Dammit! That's your fucking job you idiot! I think it's okay to be proud, being a good parent, but seriously, that's what you're supposed to fucking do. I don't think any parent is worthy of their children really, because children don't decide to be born, we do. I sometimes wonder why adults, who live in poverty, who already have trouble surviving on their own, decide to have children anyways. I guess it's a willingness to give life, unless of course if it was an unexpected pregnancy due to lack of a condom (or a broken one) or rape. Perhaps that is why my parents conceived me, to give a better life to someone after them.

I really look down on parents who constantly have sex, have more children, but in the end suck as parents. I don't understand why some adults do that. They have children they don't even want or care about. It's a perversion to the process of birth itself.

Aside from the fact that I am physically attracted to guys, this just so happens to be another reason why I'm gay. I'm still a virgin, but I know that once I do start having sex, I'd probably be a horndog, hungering for more. And being gay, I wouldn't have to worry about accidentally having a child (as selfish as that sounds). But why would I give life to something I didn't want to have? The way how I see the world, I think there are probably a lot of orphaned children. This is another reason to my aversion of having children of my own blood. Why should I have children of my own, when there are clearly many more that are in desperate need of parents? If I wanted I child, I could adopt (although being gay, I don't think they allow gay adoption in Florida, FML). My parents have been so kind to me. They usually give me what I want, even though I don't ask for much, and I think they love me unconditionally (I hope, guess I'll find out whenever I drop the bomb on them).

The sad part is that back then, I didn't really want to continue my family name. But now, I actually do have a desire to create life.

I guess in a perfect life, I would be in a romantic, loving relationship with a gay lover and I'd have a close female friend who was willing to conceive a child for me. Although I know that would be very awkward for the child. To have 2 gay fathers, and a mother who isn't romantically involved with me. It's always that fear that my own existence alone, could make a child's life unbearable.