One thing that I am very, very guilty of is that I never call to stay in touch with friends. Hell I never even send emails, post on their Facebook walls, or keep up with them using any sort of communication. If I see them in person, I'll usually say hi, unless of course I ignore them. Not because I intend to be rude or to snub them like that, but because I assume that my presence is not desired or they might think: "Who the hell is this guy saying hi to me?" "Do I know this person?" But even that's not an excuse. I should say hi regardless.
In the rare times that I do talk with friends online or over the phone, I actually enjoy it thoroughly. I tend to drag out a conversation if I get really into it. And I'd say it's because of my lack of having anyone to talk to is why I'd be so eager to keep a conversation. The weirdest thing for me about having conversations with people, is that I'm never one to ask questions. I don't know what to ask people, I'd rather they asked me questions. I like talking, I just don't know what to ask, because I'm afraid of over-stepping boundaries. I don't think there is such a thing as a bad question. However, there are just certain questions that people don't want to give answers to. Very personal questions are taboo, but what's ironic is that deep inside ourselves, I feel that we do want to give answers to those types of questions because we just want to be honest. But we evade them for fear of being rejected or of alienating other people away from us.
I don't know if there really is any question that I would not be willing to answer. Hell I don't know if anyone would want to bother asking me such questions because they would already know by then that I love, love, love to think and I sometimes give out answers in forms of speeches or long-drawn out essays. I like to put so much thought into my answers, I don't think anyone would want to hear it because they'd get lost, get bored, and it would hurt their fragile vegetable minds which never like to think of these things.
But I love insightful questions about a person's personality. What better and easier way to get to know someone? There's also the issue of overthinking an answer. Or like, you can give the same answer all the time, but the other person won't believe you until you give them the answer they want to hear.
Since when did standards on how to approach people and how to connect with them, exist? I laugh at the way of life we've created for ourselves. We create the illusion that we are happy, that we are close... But we may have more people and bigger cities, but that also means that there's more people with even lonelier hearts. I'm certain everyone has had those moments where they contemplate life, and how they think about their relationships with other people. I bet they feel that there's no validity to it, nothing of value, and that it's nothing more than a facade that was created to show a false sense of happiness. Empty relationships I say.
Sure, I do have friends, but most of them are more like mere acquaintances to me. Most of the relationships I have are like we'll just say hi whenever we pass by, or like we'll talk for a little while and then never do until like after days or weeks... or even months. And then we'll pick up with a casual conversation as if everything is the same. There are of course a few friends who are a little closer to me, and some who even have an inkling of understand how my mind works, and for those few, I am grateful. But even to them, they don't fully know me. Well actually, the only things my closest group of friends don't know is that I have a preference for men, and they don't know the radical ideas I have on how I think the world should work. But my ideals for the world is another story, for another time.
And then come my parents. You'd think I'd be closest to them... not necessarily. Let me give you a little background on my childhood:
I never really hung out with friends outside of school; I only met with them during school. Elementary school, I was a carefree child and I was very friendly. Then came middle school, and I began to realize the loneliness I had in my heart. I think middle school was the time when I realized that people could actually be mean. I remember crying a lot back then, for weird reasons I think. Maybe someone made fun of me for being weird, and it might've not been a very harsh comment, but a joking one for their own amusement. But I'm a very sensitive guy and still am to this day, so I take personal comments seriously. I can't remember. Middle school was such a blur for me, I can hardly remember it. I didn't stay at the same middle school from 6th to 8th grade though. I moved and changed schools while I was in 7th grade. I used to live in New Jersey, and for some reason, the middle school kids there were kinda mean, even the teachers. But then I moved to Florida, and the people here are kinda nicer for some reason. When I moved, I felt like I had a clean slate again, that I could strip away those bad vibes I had, and surely I did.
But after awhile, I was beginning to lose touch, again. Once again, I never really hung out with friends outside of school. I did make friends with kids who lived near me in Florida though, but even that was a bust eventually. What's sad is that the combination of having ultra-proctective parents and a society where the only way to get around is by car... well it's not the best combination for hanging out with friends.
There was this one time, where I saw I friend who I met my freshman year in high school. We talked for a bit, but then we talked about how our summers were so far. And I ended up breaking in tears because I told my friend how I never hang out with anyone and that I'm probably a bad friend because of that. Or maybe I cried because I was so lonely. But this friend, I never talk to her anymore, but she told me that it's okay and that I'm a great guy to be friends with. She even sent me an email saying the same thing. That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I don't remember the exact words, but that was the gist of it. I cried out of joy after hearing that. But then my mom saw me, and asked me why I was crying. She had a "concerned" look on her face, she clearly showed she cared about my feelings. But then I told her why, and I said it was because I felt lonely that I didn't have anyone to hang out with and that I was touched by the nice things my friend said about me.
You think she'd show some compassion and share the warm moment with me. The worst that could happen did happen... She got all mad at me for no reason, yelled at me even. She yelled: "You have a family that loves you, why should you feel lonely?!" I love my family, there's no question about it. But after that day, I really began to distance myself from my mom. She's much more insecure than me actually. She's the type of my who's very clingy to her children, doesn't even have much friends too. I'd say that was definitely a defining moment for me. It's one of the events that caused me to be the distant person I am today.
I don't know if I'm willing to put up with such "human" insecurity really. It's seems all too troublesome. I'd talk more about my family, but that's another story, for another time.
My Final Thought:
"Relationships should be easy. But is there any validity in saying that they're supposed to be complicated because we're 'human'? What is human? It's just a word. A relationship can be with anything that feels and thinks on its own. There will inevitably be some insecurity in any relationship, no matter what. But it's up to us to reach out to other people, even if it means putting ourselves in a vulnerable state, leaving ourselves open to rejection. I think it's safe to say that we've all given ourselves this similar piece of advice, but it is perhaps the most hardest to act on. But let's face it: If you never give a chance, then you'll never know what could've been. Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other."
Audience: (cheers) "JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!"
2 months ago
