I Don't Give People A Chance

I don't think I do. I mean usually I don't give a fuck about people, I just let them be. It's not that I don't hate them or that I don't love them, I just want them to be themselves as much as I want to be me. But what I mean to say is I don't think I give people a chance to try to understand me. And the reason I don't give people a chance to do that is because I believe that such a task would be too hard for them and they probably wouldn't want to try. I think they'd quit out of frustration after trying. But it's self-defeating really. Hell... everytime someone tries to give me advice, there's a good chance I know what they're gonna say:

-I'm too pessimistic
-I think too much
-I worry too much
-I don't make any sense
-What's there to understand

And usually what happens afterwards, I contemplate what they've said to me. Next, I end up thinking about how I'm wrong or what I should change about myself. But as always, I go back to thinking: "I'm perfectly fine the way I am. They're just trying to trick me into thinking differently about myself when I'm the only one who's knows myself best."

It's my own fault for self-stigmatizing myself as being pessimistic. But even if I am pessimistic, I don't feel that depressed at all. I feel better after ranting on I don't know what. If I let anything out, I feel good afterwards. Crying. It's like expelling sadness and stress from the body so that it can function for happiness once more.

But the real question is: "If I feel content with myself, then why the hell am I writing this anyway?" Because I feel like it, and I need some place to rant.

Just recently, a friend of mine on Facebook (which I don't feel close to anyone really, not even my own family) said to me that he think I have a personality disorder. What do I have to say to that? In terms of evaluating me based on society's standards, I fully fucking agree. But my opinion of myself? Part of me agrees, although deep down, I feel normal to myself. He said I should get counseling. And I'll do, hell why not? I like to take life as it comes, and usually it does turn out fine. Usually in anything I do, I at least recognize one thing I may have earned/learned from the experience, even if it was a bad one. Even in losing, there's always something to be gained... sometimes.

But you know, everytime someone talks to me about my 'flaws', I do listen. But in such an argument, it really only serves to feed my ego in the long-run. When it comes to giving honest opinions to other people about what I think about them, I don't expect them to believe what I say. For all I know, I could be completely wrong about a person. I never really say much about other people, because quite frankly, no one ever really says much about me. Do I want to hear other people's opinions about me? Sometimes, but usually I don't care.

I wonder how many people who know me in person take my apathy as being a bad thing. I don't intend it to be a bad thing actually; my real intent is to just be carefree about everything and to just accept things at face-value. Say what you mean and show it.

It's also obvious that as I'm saying all this, that's I'm implying that I'm in the minority somehow. That no one understands me and all that "boo-frickity-hoo" bullshit. But I want to make a point about that idea actually...

A member of the majority, someone who is in the "In" group, would have no reason to defend their lifestyle nor their personality because they are deemed by society as being "normal". It's very hard for a member of the "In" group and for a member of the "Out" group to understand each other, because figuratively speaking: they live in separate worlds.

Everytime I rant like this, how I put up a show about how life's not fair for me... actually, I think life has been very kind to me actually. But my point is, I don't think I'm pessimistic. Pessimism to me is just a word. We assign words for everything because it makes the universe around us easier to understand, but then we create such a polarized system of morals. Everything can only be good or bad, and for some things, we don't like having anything inbetween. I don't know why, most people just accept the labels without really question why they're labeled so. I think the biggest reason why I intentionally make it look like I'm pessimistic is to just confirm people's suspicions about me. Everyone does it, we all make assumptions about what other people think of us even though we really don't know how they perceive us. And of course, I go about it the wrong way. Not everyone thinks I'm negative, most of my friends who are somewhat close to me understand me to an extent, or may even find me insightful. I never intended to be negative.

My problem is that I find hope in the weirdest and probably in the wrong places. I enjoy reading or watching something tragic from time to time, partly because it makes me appreciate everything I have at the moment. I also like negative emotions, sadness even. I like it best when it's sincere, because if I see a character in a movie or book, I feel I can actually relate to that feeling. I just find a sort of grotesque beauty about it. But if it's like a sappy drama, I'll totally hate it.

And now I've lost my train of thought, as always. Anyways, what I really want is for everyone to just shut up and listen, to just take everyone's word and to accept it as question. I don't hide anything about myself (most things), I just shut up about it to certain people so I can save myself for the trouble of falling into a pointless argument with another person who's just too closed off to even try to understand my feelings. When it comes to dealing with people, I usually take a defensive stance when approaching them, hardly ever an offensive one. If I don't want anyone getting in my face telling me who I am and who I should be, then I wouldn't do the same to other people.

I shall leave you all with a quote from one of my heroes, Daria Morgendorffer:

"I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else."