"Unwell"

Hey yo. Sorry for keepin' y'all hangin' like I always do. This is actually I note I wrote on Facebook. I tend to write these a lot, so I figured I should just copy and paste 'em here.

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Matchbox Twenty "Unwell"

"See... me...
Talking to myself in public
And dodging glances on the train
And I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind"

-Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20

I had a similar situation today. I was crying on the shuttle going home because I did kinda crappy on another quiz today, and because I chickened out of going to office hours... again. So I wore my "hat" again to hide my tears, but it doesn't help when I'm blowing my nose every 2 minutes, which is a dead giveaway that I'm crying. Whether I'm crying or just out in public, I wonder how many people actually notice me, and if they do, what do they think of me? I've had a reputation of being weird for so long, I just assume that's how people will look at me.

You know what I really want to do? When I'm frustrated, I just want to go out and yell, scream, and force everyone to listen to me. Sometimes I wish I could just grab a blunt weapon and start smashing things: cars, windows, people. Sometimes I wish I could just grab a random passerby and shake them by the collar, yell at their face, force them to listen to my problems, and then ask them if they feel me. They'd say "yes" out of fear, but my paranoia won't allow me to ever believe and I'd yell and say they're bullshitting me and they don't understand me at all.

But I wouldn't do all of that... Because it would be too weird. Because it's wrong. Because it's disturbing the peace that everyone "falsely" desires so much. I know everyone wishes they could let out their frustrations on the world the same way, but they don't admit for the sake of not alienating the people around them. I also don't do it because I know everyone has more power over me. I don't do it because my human conscience won't allow me to.

But if I was the most powerful being in the world, in the universe... and if I didn't feel guilty about bringing pain and sadness to others... I would do it. But for now, I'll play nice. I'll always play nice because I'll always see myself as a weakling. No one steps over me because everyone is nice. Sometimes I wish they did so I had a reason to fight to live. I feel like the best motivation for life is when it's threatened. But of course... I don't have much fight it me. I can hardly defend myself, I feel too much self-guilt when I hurt someone... I'm a softy. So the only option I ever have is to cry and feel depressed.

I was hanging outside the TA's office for Modeling Methods again today. I think this is the 5th or 6th time I was hanging outside. I asked help from him once before, but it did take a lot for me to actually go. I did the usual, worked on the project in the same building so I could figure out what questions I wanted to ask, made a list for those questions, and then sat outside his office. Everytime I sit outside someone's office, I'm always mentally preparing myself on how to ask my questions so I know I get what I want. But as I was sitting outside, he walked inside his office. So had I gone inside, he wouldn't have been inside. It was the perfect chance to go. But I still stalled. He left his office again and probably saw me still sitting in the same position. He's probably noticed by now that I sit outside his office a lot. I left because I felt he thought I was weird for sitting outside his office too long. If I had questions, I would've gone inside the moment he came back.

I'm afraid of asking for help because I'm afraid of turning it into a "counseling session" rather than actually learning the material. I've been such a lazy, average student for so long, my confidence has been hurt due to such an infamous academic history. I feel like if I did go to office hours, I would just break down and cry in front of them out of frustration. And I don't want to burden them with that. It's not their job or responsibility to deal with the emotional health of their students, they're supposed to get help on that from loved ones or actual counselors.

I did the whole "counseling" thing, so you can't say that I didn't try it yet, because I did. And honestly, I loved it. However, it's gotten to the point where I can go as many times as I want, but it won't help solve my problems. I know what my problems are, I just don't know how to solve them... or I just don't have the will to solve them.

I'm a "drama addict". I make problems for myself because I don't know how to deal with the "big picture". I don't know what I want in life. I worry that my future will be bleak, so I accept that the "worst" will happen, and I use pessimism as a way to mentally prepare myself for it. Even if there's a small chance that it will happen, the thought always takes me over. And the more I think of it, the more it becomes reality. It's hard for me not to think of it. I compare myself to other people all the time, and every time I conclude that I'm just "average". I'm not amazing academically. I don't have a lot of motivation to do my best because I'm not very disciplined and my "average" history tells me that I can try all I want, but I'll still be average. But with my bad attitude, I may very well become more stupid than I truly am.

The problems I have can probably be easily overcome by other people. They don't put too much thought into the issues I deal with. Despite the pain I feel over the silly social problems I give myself, I secretly enjoy it. I enjoy it because I feel like the star of my own show, a show called "Life". I could care less about what's going on with the world or with other people, because at the moment, I only care about "me". I am selfish, very much so. I consider myself to be very self-absorbed and narcisstic, but I know that I'm not that extreme about it. I just say that so people could tell me otherwise.

Why do you think I always put myself down? I do it as an ego check really. I don't really care how I compare to other people, I just care that I'm not trying my best, but I don't know how to... Well I know how to, I just don't have the patience or the discipline for it. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that... But it should only matter how I feel about myself, right? We all know that's the truth, but it's very hard to ignore how other people feel about you. If you tell me that you don't care what others think of you... YOU'RE LYING! You can be the most self-assured person in the world, but you'll care, even just for a little bit. We're too social with each other to not care.

I play games with people, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I put myself down as an ego check. I really do feel like I'm the hero of my own story... or the anti-hero, the villian, the tragic villian, whatever. Point is, I see myself as the main character even though I feel like a minor character in this huge society of ours. I also do it to hear what other people think of me. Whether they agree with what I said, or they say I'm not and compliment on how I am. I ain't gonna lie, I'm pretty insecure, but I prefer to be "openly insecure" because I feel it's the best way to not feel as insecure. The more you bottle everything inside, the more insecure you become. I know that the more I talk and open myself up, the easier it is to solve my personal problems. And I know I want to solve them, I just don't have the courage to go through with it yet. It's hard for me to take the first step. Even the second and third. It's always hard for me to start, but after the first few times, it become second-hand and I do it without thinking too much about it, like it feels natural. It's like how Sheryl Crow sang: "The first cut is the deepest." Although I think that was about you first breakup or something, totally unrelated to what I'm talking about.

Space exploration is the next frontier, but I'm already exploring one: It's called "interacting with others". I still don't know how to really "trust" new people I meet or other people I don't know well to hear me out and understand me. I get shy when dealing with people I don't really know well. I hardly gossip about other people I know behind their backs (but I find myself doing it more often...). I never really think if anyone is talking about me or what they do think of me. However, I do think about it sometimes. The times when I really do think about what they think of me, is whenever we share and "awkward moment" together or when I make them upset. I start to re-evaluate my relationship I have with them and I search inwardly for all the things I did wrong (which weren't that major in their opinion probably). I tend to let my guilt consume me, and I end up avoiding people... I also avoid people if I sense they feel uncomfortable being around me.

In my honesty box here on Facebook, one of my friends left a comment saying: "It's not that I hate it, but you're pretty immature and socially awkward. Man up and I'd want to hang out with you more." It was in response to my question: "Is there anything you hate about me?" With a loaded question like that, you would think I would have braced myself for the brutal honesty I so desired... But sadly I was immature that time and didn't take it well. We ended up arguing back and forth. He told me:

"There's nothing wrong with "being yourself". However, being different and eccentric do not preclude refusing to change the way you interact with people.

I'm talking about the way you carry yourself and the way you socialize with other people. You have that "air" of being a creeper. Posture and a less whiny tone of voice, as well a confident demeanor, go a long way in giving people good impressions."

It really was great advice, but I still argued with him until the guy gave up trying to help me. I look back now and I think: "Damn, I used to be such an emo idiot back then."

I avoid people not because I hate them, but because I feel they hate me, or find me too weird to hang around. And yet, I still hang out with people... out of desperation; desperation of not wanting to feel lonely and to just have some company after not having some for so long.

Part of my problem is that I just don't hang out with friends a lot. I'm too lazy to set something up or to call them. And I use classes as an excuse for being too busy (which I am, but not really) to hang out with them. In a lot of cases, when I do hang out with a friend, I'll have fun of course. But the longer I don't see them, the more I feel like we're drifting apart, when in reality we're just busy. I don't call people because:

1. I'm on a shared family plan and I don't want to waste minutes. Sprint doesn't do rollovers either.

2. I'm afraid of calling them and having the conversation become awkward. I don't want to call someone and hear in their tone of voice that they didn't want me to call them, or they don't really know who I am.

I also don't hang out a lot because I like having time to myself. From a psychological standpoint, I feel like the more time I have for myself, the more freedom I have to schedule things in the future and do whatever I please. But I'm one of those people who like to have "surpluses" of things as insurance, but never actually uses those surpluses which go to waste in the end anyways.

I've even gone so far as wishing I had an imaginary friend, or maybe even schizophrenia. But I know even schizophrenics wouldn't wish the disease on themselves if they didn't have it. It's radically different from the way we perceive the disease to be. But even if I'm not schizophrenic, I still feel like a weirdo in public, an anomaly that doesn't belong. Sometimes I wish I could split myself into physical embodiments of different aspects of my personality/emotions. If that did happen, I would never be alone. I'd literally be friends with myself. There's a good chance I'd bring hell to the world that way since everyone would truly see every side of me.

Phony. I'm also afraid of being phony. At all times, I want to be as sincere as possible, even if I hurt myself with the truth. If there's one thing that pisses me off, it's when people don't take me seriously, when they don't believe that I'm being genuine. They could be right, but almost all the time I'm just me. But I am afraid of producing an image of myself that's not representative of who I really am, but I acknowledge that I go too far in expressing the negative parts of myself, that I don't really give people a chance to see the other sides of me. I don't really think about the things I do; I just do things if I feel like it. Sure, I think about it when I have to make big decisions. But most of the time, I just "do" without thinking. I act on the whims and desires of my own heart. The only time I don't is when I repress myself because I'm unsure or afraid of the outcome. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm also afraid of being accepted or getting my way, and then having the possibility of losing what I fought so hard to earn. If I did lose, I'm afraid I might not have the courage to try again. I think I'm afraid of trying...

Ha. Haha... Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! I avoid other people because of my own paranoia. And it's not even that hard of a problem, it can be easily solved. But aren't we all a little "Unwell"?

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay a while and maybe then you'll see...

A different side me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough, you're gonna think of me...

And how I used to be"

Damn it felt good to let all that out...