Fuck it. Looking for a prospective lover in college takes up too much time. I've been seeing a counselor earlier this summer, and I'm glad I did. I know what my problem is now: I don't open up to anyone. I keep things to myself too long until I start hurting myself by thinking of the worst possible case scenarios and then assuming that no one can help me with my problems.
My primary problem right now, academically, is that I don't know how to ask for help in my classes. I'm too independent, I like doing shit on my own. I'm afraid of asking for help because I'm afraid of wasting their time and I'm afraid of being denied help, as well as a few other reasons. I find myself more focused on my classes more than ever. I used to use loneliness as a reason for being distracted and not being able to focus on my work... and I truly was lonely too. I still am, but not as much. After I did counseling, I started opening up to my friends about my feelings, usually online. So far I've gotten a lot of positive responses. I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. The next step for me is to actually solve my problems. It's like I wasted the first 3 years of college doing soul-searching to find out what my problem was and how to solve it. Or it's more like I wasted so much time to admit the truth to myself about who I am and what I really want. I know what I want: I want to fucking graduate and create shit that flies. Aerospace Engineering ftw, lol. It's still intimidating though, but I want to stick with it. If anything, I could probably succeed, if only I could change my attitude and outlook on life. I'm too negative, and I push other people away accusing them that they don't understand my pain. I'm not even close to my family at all. I can't even share my feelings with my parents without them getting mad at me for being upset over things they feel are insignificant. It's weird... they want me to be honest, but they get mad at me when they don't hear the type of "honesty" they want to hear, ya know?
I actually feel closer to some of my friends than I do compared to my parents. I mean, I love my parents, but I really do feel they just don't get me. But lately, ever since I started opening up to some of my friends, I've been better.
As for dating, I don't even lurk much on dating or hook-up websites anymore. Mostly because my searches usually bear no fruit. I don't have a car, and I demand too much from another guy. I just stopped trying altogether because I realize that I really don't have the time anyways. I'm not good at multitasking, so I really am putting all my focus on college for now (which I should've done in the first place). I think when I started college, I was pursuing a "Mr. degree" (sorta like the M.R.S. degree for girls). I was looking for friends and a potential boyfriend, while still in the closet, which I still am closeted actually. But I found those friends now, and after witnessing the failing marriage of my parents and failed relationships of my other friends, I realize it's just not worth the time right now.
Aside from classes, I'm terrible managing time. I'm quite the hedonist. I live for pleasure and fun. I have way too much leisure time. I could probably use a lot of that time doing homework, but when I look at the big picture and make it seem like a formidably hard task to do, I end up not trying. Starting is always the hardest thing for me. It's like I'm scared to try because I'm afraid I'll fail. Or I'm scared of trying, then succeeding, and then getting an even harder task to do.
Aside from classes, I have a few other goals in mind that I wish to pursue:
-still be able to do Orchestra while taking even harder classes
-actually start working out regularly (but I use classes and food as an excuse for not trying. I don't have a set meal plan in mind to help me stay healthy that would compliment my workout, if I did it.)
-still be launching rockets with this club I'm in
And probably a few others.
I use a planner a lot. Write down goals/tasks for the week, make sure I do them. Although usually I end up not doing them on time, so I write them in for the next week. Managing time is hard. If I controlled time, I probably still wouldn't be able to do everything I wanted out of laziness and fear of failure.
3 months ago
I know what you mean. Independence is great and all until you realize its really only an excuse to ignore the real problems of life. I mean, hiding behind a textbook or the fear of failure can't work forever. Thanks for the post.
ReplyDeleteI'm no expert at anything but after reading your post I would want to give some advice.(Ofc, you can disregard if you want)
ReplyDeleteTalk to your friends, it's awesome that you're opening up to them because some of them really do want to help you, to actually understand you. You don't need to hide behind a mask, telling everyone that you're okay when your not. Life's too hard to live like that.
For me friends are what keeps me together, without them I don't know if I would be here today. They really allowed me to carry on as whenever i'm with them, life just seems to be that much brighter.
I wouldn't say that you have to come out but really it comes as a relief. The pressure of keeping a secret about yourself is just too hard. To lie to your friends is just something I find so hard to do. But make sure your friends would accept you. Maybe tell one person first? Cause that's what happened with me. It was a secret between me and him. But then as time passed i realised that my friends are better then that. And i've had no regret since.
Even though this is 1year late, I hope this helps you, or even better, you have already sorted out all these problems :D
Good Luck!!